I had to stop and cry in the middle of cutting vegetables tonight. I became so overwhelmed at how special it was and how special I felt to be so loved by my grandson, Donovan. I went shopping today with him and his mama. I went along so I could keep him occupied in secondhand stores. Frankly, I loved it. He is such a well behaved boy when we are out.
While I was cutting vegetables, I went though my day in my head. I thought of the times that Dono played shy and how it was me that he clung to ( just because I was closest out of me and his mom). I’m not saying he chose me over his mom, I’m saying that I was good enough and that he felt safe with me. That is who and what I want to be and what I want to provide….safety.
I was in a self-compassion workshop this week. We talked about values and we talked about learning to love ourselves the way we are loved by someone else. When I think of the way that Dono looked to me for safety and love today, it really overwhelmed me on this realm as well. Could I really learn to love myself that much?
I think I will stay on this path. It felt really good to be loved that way. Can you even imagine how good it would feel if I could always feel that loved, by me?
I’m tired of my thoughts this week so I thought I would introduce you to some of the things in my life that make me laugh, smile and run. Our grandson was born January 2020, just before the shutdowns happened because of covid-19. We decided that he needed a petting zoo, so we made him one. It’s been a learning curve for my husband and I and to be honest, it’s also given us something to agree with each other about. Trust me, we needed something. So it’s been good on many levels.
Our two pigs are momma and daughter and their names are Penny and Diamond. The black goat is Blackie and the brown one is ( wait for it, wait for it….) Brownie!! We are looking forward to our Grandson and his soon to be brother to get bigger so they can name the animals. LOL The geese are a family of 5; Oscar and Emma and the kids. They will get named eventually. We have 3 adult ducks…Hal and his two wives, Grey and Blue. We are hopeless namers. Thank god we were better when it came to naming our kids. LOL There are 7 adolescent ducks, not named yet. What would you name a duck? We have 3 roosters named Huey, Duey and Lewy. The one here is Huey. He’s king pin and likes to try to chase people. He attacks my legs when I’m wearing shorts ( guess he doesn’t like my white legs) and he has brought down my grandson twice. What a cock. The horse is Daisy and she is blind in one eye. We’ve had her for a while. I think she really likes the company. The dogs are Fergie (the doberman) and Duke. Duke is still considered a puppy. He will be 2 in November. He’s coming around. He’s a great guard dog and loves to party with our neighbors on the weekends. We also have 3 baby turkeys. As they get bigger I’ll get more pics of them.
So this is my life. I like this part of it. In the chaos of covid, my sweet friends here have brought me peace, mostly. Thanks for letting me share. Have a super great week.
Above is a pic of the flowers that are left from the flowers I bought for myself a week and half ago. I have been wanting to buy them for over a year and this is how long it has taken me. I’m so glad I took the plunge. In therapy, I am working through self-criticism and self-hate issues. Knowing what my love language is, is helping me to be nicer and kinder to myself. I don’t think I could have start the journey of self-love without first figuring out why I don’t like myself. That has been another journey and a half but it all makes sense to me now.
This past January ( along with other daily journals I write in) I started something called ” Loving Myself.” Basically, I am cheering myself on and soothing myself when needed. I’m reminding myself who I truly am and that I am indeed worth loving and standing up for. I found myself having to advocate for myself and my importance and worth this week. I was sad and disappointed that I had to do it, especially since it was to someone who is supposed to love me. Nonetheless, I did it because I realize no one else will. I’m glad I did. I hope it worked.
So, do I love myself?
Am I kind to myself?
I‘m not hateful but I have come a long way.
Do I write in my Loving Myself journal everyday?
Yes, but if I can’t think of anything positive to say, I will remind myself that it’s ok.
I started almost two years ago seeing a psychologist. My Dr. referred me and through my provincial healthcare, I didn’t have to pay. I’m still seeing him. In September of 2020 something happened that totally devastated me and the following January 0f 2021 I started seeing an addiction counselor. I’ve had the benefit of one of them being a male and one being a female and honestly, I lucked out and they have both been so good and a great fit for me. My referral psychologist is supposed to be for short term therapy and I can hardly believe I still see him. I do believe though that it will soon come to an end. He promised me a year ago he would give me good notice though so for that…WHEW!!
I understand that therapy is not necessarily meant for life, though, maybe for some, if they can afford it, why not? Talking with my addiction counselor today, we talked about this topic. The goal of therapy is to not need therapy anymore. The goal is to learn coping skills and learn how to deal with things, on your own. It makes sense. I have learned so much from both of these individuals. I feel stronger. I still have so much fear in me and I know I still have a long way to go. I have things happening in my life that are really hard. I guess in some ways, I’m trying to soften the blow of my psychologist and counselor eventually ending therapy. It is something I will talk about in my next session as well, to get my psychologist’s point of view on it too.
But for today, nothing will change in this department. I will continue with my “homework” and learn as much as I can, including basic skills that I feel I should have known already. It’s a kick in the gut to learn that the way you have been living isn’t necessarily the healthiest way of living. But, I’m a big girl and I know that no one can make the changes but me. So I will.
Good grief! It’s been so long since I’ve blogged here I forget how to use WordPress. To be honest, I never was really able to totally grasp it. When I post a blog, I usually set it up as my feature post so I can find it. I didn’t do that on my last post just before I ate supper. I’ll have to find it and link it here. LOL
I wanted to follow up to say that yes, I’m devastated still and it’s preventing me from going on Twitter and at the same time, I’m grieving for my friend in healthy ways along with therapy and other means of healing. Steve started me in the journey of healing, as my life coach a few years ago. He encouraged me to go into therapy which has been the best thing I’ve ever done. Maybe I’ll get more into that.
Honestly though, I don’t know what I want to do with my blog. I’m not sure what to write about but I feel me starting to write again ( I have two books I am at the very beginning stages), that it can be my way to pay homage to Steve. I forgot to say, he is an author. I will link some links from amazon of his books.
Today has been the craziest day and it’s only 1:30. My dog ran after a vehicle going into the pasture today. I’m always concerned she will annoy the cows. I ran after her, and she DID not annoy any cows.
My dog also saw a skunk for the first time today and chased it to the end of our driveway, right to the road. The skunk hid out in the drain pipe. She did NOT go on the road and get run over and she did NOT get sprayed with a skunk. I, on the other hand, almost died running after her…and might I add, I was still in my pajamas with a heavy coat over it ( it’s like 22 degrees Celsius, very warm out) because it was the closest coat I could find, carrying a container of dog treats to bribe her.
I’m doing laundry today. Four loads. I can finally rest, somewhat. You see, if I don’t turn the water off on the washing machine, we will have a flood and crazy enough, it has happened a number of times. The last one was about a month ago and it was the worse flood ever. I am happy to say, there was NO flood today! The last load is on the last cycle.
I could say, this has been the worse day ever…the worse day of my week. Sometimes, when you have anxiety and depression, it doesn’t take much to make it the “worse” day. But today, when it seemed like the worse day, really, the worse that could happen, did NOT happen. Fergie ( our precious Princess of a dog), did NOT annoy the cows or the landlord, she did NOT get sprayed by the skunk or go on the road and I did NOT have a flood. On the other hand, I did look ridiculous.
Truly then, I will consider today and win! See you later, while I go fold laundry!
Another day in paradise. What a day it has been so far. Whether I was cleaning up after my senior cat who decided to pee all over a garbage bag in my office, all the way to cleaning up the laundry room because I didn’t get to the washing machine soon enough to shut off the water, I am here and I am kind of even calm. Ok, maybe my husband would disagree when he heard how I reacted when I discovered the cat pee, while he was trying to nap before going back to work. But I got over it. I cleaned everything up. I have a very clean laundry room floor and my office floor is very clean as well. What did I learn? The same thing I always learn ( then seemingly forget ) when my laundry room floods: I am a horrible mulitasker. I remember having a conversation with some friends years ago and we were talking about how women are great multitaskers and how men are not. They have one compartment in the their brain and women have many…whatever that means. Even back then, I wasn’t able to multitask. What is multitasking anyway? Yes, I listen to podcasts and cook/bake/clean at the same time….BUT when my washing machine is on, I need to turn the podcast off until I turn the water off. Yes, it’s broken that way but is usable. Today I got totally distracted. The cat was meowing and I didn’t know why, I was sweeping the kitchen floor, Wally was on on his way home for lunch…yep. Water all over laundry room floor. BUT here I am. I survived it and I won’t talk about it again until next time it happens. 🙂 None of this is a big deal, but it’s my world.
I would say I’m
done with my self care series. Maybe next week I will share some
netflix shows I watch to “get away” from it all. Some of the
shows I have seen many many times.
It’s one of those
days I’m really not into writing. I’m so tired today and would
like to have a nap. I just might lay down for half an hour. I’m
so tired of the political talk on line as well, whether it’s
American, Canadian and since we have an election coming up in
Alberta, Provincial. Oh man, I’m amazed at the ugliness of people.
It’s so disheartening sometimes. Stay off comments at news sites
as well. You know that saying, just because you think it, doesn’t
mean you have to say it. Jeepers.
Anyway, I’m just
rambling now. I’m out of here and maybe tomorrow I will have some
more exciting stuff to share. Lol Be well friends!
Hello Friends! Another Monday and another new week! I will continue today with a couple more self care things I do. I have talked about apps but my very favorite app for self care and just all round favorite of all, is Daylio. I used the free version for a couple months and liked it so much that I bought it and it’s great. They keep upgrading it and adding new things. Basically, you keep track of your moods, activities, goals. With the premium version you can add an unlimited amount of activities and moods to it. You can be as specific as you want. I think the premium version is, once you pay it, you own it. I don’t think it is a yearly subscription. The stats in it are so cool too. I have been using it 219 days in a row. Also, there is a little spot for notes so if you want to write what you actually did that day, like a journal, it’s an option. I don’t always use it. I will write something down if it stands out to me and I want to remember.
I’ve talked about
my Gratitude Daytimer. I bought a cute little daytimer from the
dollar store and I write all my affirmations in it and every night I
write down three things that I am thankful for. Like any thing, I
would suggest not being too hard on yourself. I used to think I
needed to be poetic and beautiful with not only my writing but what
I’m thankful for. I’ve now accepted I write the same way I think
and my thankfulness comes out that way too. It’s simple and to the
I will end with the thing that has changed my mind the most. It’s called A Note to Your Next Day Self. I learned about this from Tracy Winchell. She has a great podcast called Reboots. She talks about it more as a business tool and the beautiful thing about this, is you can make it work for what works best for you. I hear so often about writing letters to our past self…in fact, I’m in the process of doing that right now as we speak but what I’m talking about is different. I find it has really helped me as I am learning about replacing negative talk in my head with positive. When I get really overwhelmed I find myself writing to my future self and reminding her that the negative voices are lies and affirm my worthiness. I don’t always read it the next day but I find it so healing to read through it because it’s all positive. I know I did a horrible explanation here. I will post a picture of a few days in my journal I’m willing to share. What I love about this is you can do it however you want.
Once again, be easy
on yourself in whatever you decide to do. When I forget to write in
my gratitude daytimer, I will write “oops” and maybe a heart. I
don’t fret it. I learned too much in religion that it’s too hard
to keep track of all the things you have to do…and then what
happens….guilt. No more. I think the idea is to find things you
like to do and give yourself grace. Shit happens. If you experience
depression and anxiety like I do, you need to esp give yourself grace
for as long as you need it. Sometimes, all I get done is my Daylio.
I’m committed to that. Its easy and it tells me how many days in a
row I’ve done it. That helps. Lol
Friends! I’m writing a little late today today because for some
reason I got caught up in cleaning a couple rooms in my house and
organizing. You know how it goes Once it starts, you have no idea
where it will end. I still have a stack of dishes to do and the
floors. They will get done later this afternoon. Yesterday I shared
about some podcasts I liked and today and I will finish it up. I
will be sharing 7 with you that I listen to every week…usually. I
guess that is 12 I listen to EVERY week and a whole bunch more I just
pick and decide if and when I want to. Looking at all my screen
shots, yeah, I do listen to a few of them. I listen to them when I
do my housework and when I cook and bake. Sometimes I will take
notes but actually, that is only for one. I bought a cute little
speaker to use and I plan to buy a little bigger one next time and
maybe even about 3 of them. One for the office, one for the kitchen
and one for the bedroom or maybe I will keep this small one in the
bedroom. Whatever, I think too much. Lol Let’s get going!!!
Remember…these are in NO order.
Another Name For Everything is a podcast put on by the Center For Action and Contemplation. Richard Rohr, is being interviewed about his latest book, The Universal Christ, Chapter by Chapter. It is so good. I will be honest and say that I have a hard time reading Richard Rohr’s books because he is a complex writer, imo, but I love listening to him. He is so engaging and seems like such a kind man.
Ear Biscuits is a podcast by Rhett and Link of Good Mythical Morning fame on you tube. I love these guys and their banter. I love their you tube show and I love their podcast. They talk about a wide variety of stuff.
Ellen on the Go is podcast that is hosted by 4 producers of the Ellen show, Mary, Andy, Ed and Kevin. They basically go over the shows and share clips. They are so funny together and sometimes Ellen will be on it as well.
Imagined Life has got to my one of my VERY faves. Basically it talks about the life of someone famous in the first person, and you don’t know until the end who it is. There has been once I was able to guess before the end but that’s it. This is through Wondery, as is Ellen on the Go and Wondery has some great podcasts if you want to check them out. I just found a new one that talks about American Scandals. What can I say? Guilty pleasure. 🙂
Getting Curious with Jonathon Van Ness of Queer Eye. He had this podcast before Queer eye. He has a very curious mind and lots of questions and so his podcast topics and many many. He is fairly political and very clear about where he stands. I love that about him and the fact that his brain works so fast that he fits so many words in such a short time. I love people like that.
Let’s Explore, this is very new. There are four episodes. If you are very set in your Evangelical Christian views, I would suggest NOT listening to this but if you are curious and have questions, give it a listen . It is led by Lane McCall and he sits down with two pastors, Don Keathley and Darrin Begley. I hope they stay with this format and the same people. I love it so much and yes, it’s in line to what I believe. That’s why I love it so much. There are very few Christian podcasts that I can relate to anymore.
Last one and so awesome is No Crumbs Left. Teri is a foodie, just published a cook book called No Crumbs Left: Whole30 Endorsed, Recipes for Everyday Food Made Marvelous that will be out in May and is ready to be pre- ordered, and will soon he on tour. I LOVE her. Her podcasts include interviews with her awesome kids, teachers, authors and so many more, you name it. Topics such as parenting young kids to adult kids, divorce, memories, marriage, etc. She has an awesome Instagram. The best ever!!
There’s my list.
If you happen to check one out, let me know what you think. Have a
super evening friends, see you tomorrow!
Today I will talk about podcasts. I love podcasts a lot. There are some I listen to every week no matter what and there are others I hop around on, esp if I am just learning about them and there are so many to catch up on. In a way I would consider all the podcasts I listen to self-care because they make me happy to listen to them. Some are imperative for my mental health, some are great so I can laugh, some have really great religious deconstruction/construction, and some just give me great information for life and fun.
I will start with the podcasts that I listen to every week without fail. One of the very first podcasts I ever listened to was the Inglorious Pasterds. This podcast is what I would call my guilty pleasure. They have bad language and they can be very crude…YET…through this podcast and the honesty of these three men, two ex pastors and a worship leader ( Matt, Brad and Michael), and the amazing lineup of guests they have had on the podcast these last three years, I have learned so much. These guys have been a major part of my deconstruction and honestly, they make me laugh until I cry, every week and it feels so good.
The Business of Life with Jann Arden and Arlene Dickinson. This is so great. They cover so many topics and rabbit trails can go anywhere…it may be embarrassing for the male listeners sometimes. They are so good together. I look forward to the new episode every Saturday and have grown to appreciate these ladies much more!
The Holderness Family…you may know them from their You Tube channel about Christmas Jammies. Penn and Kim host it and they get some really great guests on it. They are brutally honest about their marriage, Kim’s depression and Penn’s ADD and the topics they cover are every day life.
Still Growing in Grace is fairly new. There are 10 Episodes. It is led by Mike Zenker who used to be the head of Grace Walk Canada, which has transitioned into Still Growing In Grace. Honest and amazing Truths about the grace of God…an amazing God who loves us all. Mike is enthusiastic about his beliefs and is a Pastor. Tune into his You Tube channel to hear his weekly messages from the pulpit. They are great.
Catching Your Breath by Steve Austin. I’ve talked about Steve before, in the other blogs. His podcast is awesome and very informative when it comes to mental health. It can get pretty heavy but that’s life and that’s healing. Tough stuff, but amazing. Steve is an ex pastor who almost died by suicide.
I’m going to end here with one more guilty pleasure and will do part 2 of podcasts tomorrow. I will link them all to their podcast site. American Greed. It’s based on the TV show. I saw the show for the first time in January while we were on holidays in a hotel room. We don’t have cable or anything here. It’s exactly what it sounds like, Americans that have been greedy and turn to crimes. It’s great listening if you are into that kind of thing. 🙂
I use the app Podcast Addict on my Android. So far, I have found every podcast I have looked for. I think it’s connected to itunes somehow. I don’t know how it works.
There you have it. If you listen to podcasts, what are your faves and why? I still have some more I listen to weekly, but like I said, I will share them tomorrow. Btw…these are in no particular order. Have a great Friday friends!
My inner peace is unaffected by external triggers: Steve Austin
I love Affirmations. I have used them everyday since Dec 31 and they come in so handy. What I need to do though is to put copies of them in the usual spots in my house so I will remember them better and say them more often. I usually get my affirmations on line and I also find a lot in guided meditations. If I really notice a lot in a meditation I will play it again later on and write the affirmations out. At the end of every month I write them out for the whole month and I clip them onto my gratitude journal and I put the month before on a ring. Surely it will come in handy some day.
I need to add though I write each affirmation in my gratitude day timer as well. I actually write them out twice at the beginning of the month. This is just the habit I have gotten into. To be honest, I don’t think I have truly gotten the best benefit out of them yet. I think that comes in posting them around my house so I remember them better. I will try that. I also need to point out that all of these I am doing I am not SWEARING by them. Meaning, they aren’t even close to becoming something I am worshiping or coming down on myself because I’m not getting enough out of it or I forget to do something that day or frankly, there are days I just don’t wanna…so I don’t or on those days I may MAKE myself just to push me. I have beaten myself up for too many years for not being good enough or not trying hard enough and I won’t do it anymore. I will do my best. If it isn’t working for me, I will change it or I will take time off from doing something to do something else or whatever I want.
I am enrolled in Catching Your Breath Academy. Our teacher is a life coach, named Steve Austin( not the wrestler), with an amazing story. He was a Pastor who almost died by suicide. He has several different courses. Some are free some aren’t. In fact, I think if you sign up now you get the first month free and $27/month. He has a different course every month. This month is Serenity, Self-Care and Self-Compassion. Last month was intense and quite triggering for me…dealing with fear, guilt and shame. It was crazy. I haven’t gotten into it as much this month but it’s good so far. I decided this year, I would dedicate it to healing for myself and I must say, on different levels I have come a very long way. I’m very encouraged by it. I will leave it at this. I linked Steve’s site so you can check it out for yourself if you want. I should add, the affirmations I am using this are from Steve and that’s what I’m posting at the end of these blogs.
Tomorrow I will talk about my very favorite app and well as podcasts…some self care ones and some that I just enjoying listening to. Have a super day my friends!
Wed, April 3 and Day 3 of Camp Nano. I just want to explain the reason I mentioned that no one would care in my last blog , is because I found it to be a boring a blog. I didn’t want to write that day and I felt kind of blah. I guess it was obvious. 🙂
Today I will share about self-care. I will probably take a few days for this because I don’t like to make my blogs too long. I’m one who does not read long blogs so I choose to keep my own blogs shorter. First of all, what is self care? Basically it’s taking care of yourself, however that looks to you. Something I have learned is that we are individuals, and how one person may see and use self care is different than another person would. Self care is as different from one person to another as depression and anxiety are. We can learn a lot from each other as to how we use self care but what works for me, may not work for you and that’s ok. I have been pointing my self care in the direction of learning more about myself and who I am. I do this in several different ways and some examples of those are: meditation, online classes, podcasts, reconstructing my faith, movies, journalling to name some. The truth is, I haven’t done a lot of reading in the last few years. I love podcasts way more but maybe once I get a new Kindle, I will take up reading again. I have a lot of great books I need to read and don’t get me wrong, I do read them…just not a lot. In the next few days I will talk about podcasts I like, movies I watch to “get away from it all”, apps I use for self care and the different ways I journal. I will start with the beginning of the day.
Meditation; I am still trying to get into the habit of this. I’m finding it really hard. The initial “just do it part,” is hard. Once I get over it and I’m in the spare room meditating I love it. So basically, I have to get over myself and just do it. There are two apps that I have used for meditation. They are: Insight Timer and Calm. Calm was great for showing me how to meditate and then I didn’t use it as much. I like Insight Timer because there is more to choose without buying the app. I am leaning toward paying for the premium version of it though because I am intrigued by what it offers. When I talk to others who meditate, Calm is a very popular app. There are others out there t0o but these are the ones I have experience with. I am also part of a facebook group called Quantum Life with Steve McVey and Steve has a different meditation out every week. There is a monthly cost to be part of this group. He shares some pretty mind blowing stuff that could change your life.
I know some of my Christian friends will wonder “what in the world?” Yes, I do meditate and yes, it brings me peace. A lot has changed in my over the last few years about how I see God and it has caused issues. I can’t apologize for what I believe is right and for what is bringing me peace that I have never had. In fact, you will notice God is not mentioned in here at all until this paragraph. I think humans are way smarter than we give them credit for and that we can learn a lot from each other. I also don’t think that Christians have all the answers. I will leave this quote with you from Queer Eye:
You can’t evangelize and antagonize at the same time-Mama Tammye
You can see more if you watch Queen Eye on Netflix, Season 2 Episode 1. I encourage you to watch it. My faith is still very important to me, it just looks different, feels different and is way more inclusive. To me, that makes sense.
I will end this day with one more app I use in the morning. It is called 365 Gratitude. I really liked it a lot so I bought the full version of it. I use it in the morning to write three things that I am grateful for. It asks your mood and has some great retrospect. I just really like it. It has worked will for me.
I will leave it here for now and tomorrow I will talk about affirmations. SPOILER: I LOVE affirmations! Have a great day friends. If you have any questions about the apps I have shared just let me know. Also, what apps do you use for meditation and gratitude? Share your insights here if you want to.
Day 2 and already, I don’t have much to say. That’s why a plan is always good. I’m feeling on the blah side so that doesn’t help. We did get out and about today. Wally found some tires so he can smear the horse poop in the pasture so he will pick them up tomorrow AND we found a great place for Bubble Tea. It was so good and I’m looking forward to trying different flavors. We discovered Bubble Tea in Winnipeg. I had had it before but it was a long time ago and I was pleasantly surprised Wally liked it so much too.
The farrier is coming next week to trim Daisy’s hooves. I’m pretty sure she will have to go in the Jenny Craig pen. It’s so funny because that is what they call it around here when your horse is a little to heavy and you need to limit what she eats, whether it’s the hay and oats/barley or the grass. Someone got a little too spoiled over the winter months and ate too much delicious hay. Sounds like most humans I know. Lol We love our farrier. She has been so patient with us as we have learned more about Daisy. Trish (our farrier) actually taught Wally how to bridle up Daisy and ride her. It’s still weird to me that we have a horse. Daisy is blind in one eye and we are considering getting her a donkey to keep her company. We have some research to do before that happens though.
I think I might get some information together and share what kind of self-care I am doing. Surely no one cares, but it is something to write about, right? One thing I do everyday are Affirmations. I have a new one everyday and at the end of these blogs I will share them with you. I have been doing this since January using it along with my gratitude journal. I will share more about this tomorrow though.
Sorry for the boring blog. Lol I’m sure there will be more like this but hopefully some will be exciting. Have a super evening friends! Love to you all!
Today is the first day of camp NaNoWriMo. My plan is to blog everyday and I made a list of questions as an outline to follow. Ugh. I’m not really happy with the questions as of today, so I will have to try to come with some different ones. I guess I can do some writing prompts or I can just ad-lib as I go. I’ll try that today!
I’m so happy we are now in April. Spring is here with some snow every once in a while. That is Alberta living. One way we know it is Spring, are the bees. We live across the street from a bee farm. They put the hives out around this time of year(a couple days ago). Within a half an hour some had made their way over here already. They like to hang out at out back deck where the sun shines the most. They are still sleepy and slow and are quite annoying. By the time it gets warmer out, they are usually gone and then back again in the Fall when it is getting cooler and they need out nice warm deck again.
Another way Spring showed it’s arrival was seeing a moose out in the field enjoying some grubs. Daisy, our horse, was pretty worked up. The moose wasn’t too far from her. We do have moose living in the our bushes but we don’t see them that much so it was so cool to see one this year. I hope we see more. I would love to see a baby moose.
Spring mud. Not my favorite thing. We have three dogs. I was able to find something to block them from coming into the kitchen and just hang out in the porch until their feet are dry. I hate mopping the floor several times a day because of mud. I realize it’s part of season but like I said, with dogs…ANNOYING!
One thing I love about Spring is that it seems so new. The growth of new life, whether it’s the new grass coming up or buds on the trees to hearing the baby coyotes at night and seeing other baby wildlife if they dare show themselves. I’ve always seen Spring as a time for introspection for myself too. It’s kind of cool that at the start of this month the course I will be taking at Catching Your Breath Academy is called Serenity, Self-Care and Self-Compassion. Last month’s course was pretty heavy and it was called Taking the Gloves Off: Learning to Fight Fear, Shame and Guilt. I was triggered pretty bad through it but I made it through to the other side and achieved some pretty amazing feats because of it. Maybe someday I will share. New life reminds me of being good to myself, to be gentle with myself. If you are anything like me, I tend to me my own worse critic. I’m learning though to change my thoughts and to see the truth for what it is, rather than allow the recording in my head from things gone by to control me. It’s really hard work being intentional about healing. Some days you may find that you just can’t do it. I allow that now, without feeling guilty, but I don’t allow myself to live in it. So much of my time has been wasted with anxiety and depression. I choose healing and I choose it without medication. For me, that is what is best, otherwise I won’t work through my issues. I know myself pretty well.
All this to say,
Spring is here and I’m very happy about it.
Time Alone Encourages Me To Listen To My Inner Voice: Steve Austin
The Story: She was in the shower listening to a podcast. She couldn’t tell how loud it was, she was in the shower. She hears dogs barking and she hears her husband yelling, assuming, at the dogs. Next think you know the bathroom door opens...YOU ARE IN THERE? Yes I am. DIDN’T YOU HEAR ANYTHING? I heard dogs barking. I WAS YELLING AT YOU FROM THE COUCH. Door slams. Another Door slams. She finishes her shower, thinking about what had just happened. “What the hell did I do?” she asks herself. Now she’s mad realizing that her husband was yelling at her from the couch like she was a dog or something. She comes out of the shower. What the hell what that about? Your speaker was too loud. It’s ok now though, it’s good now. You had no right yelling at me from the couch. You could have come and asked me to turn it down. Yes. I know.She fumes in hatred of herself because she didn’t say more. She goes over and over in her mind “should I apologize for having it too loud?” But the other voice in her head says, “no. You didn’t do anything wrong”. The energy is heavy. Forgiveness must happen on her part or she will fume all week about it. He was a fucking jerk but she is considering apologizing. She is worth more than that. Forgiveness is a must, to get over the anger toward him, but apologizing…no. I don’t blame her one bit.
story pissed me off because it very much could have been my household
and I would have reacted exactly the same way. How do you come out
of a space of self hate and
to a place of truly believing you are worth standing up for? THAT my
friends, is the journey I am on.
Who would ever say that? In fact, we scoff at people who tend to stay in their place of pain and discomfort and say ” they don’t want to get better.” We scoff at people who choose to take medications while AND instead of getting to the issue itself. We seem to scoff at people who choose to deal with their mental health issues different than ourselves. If there is anything I have learned on my own journey is that every person is different, ever circumstance is different and that means that what works for one, may not work for another,
I’m not planning on getting into my issues very deep at this time. I just wanted to say that I can now understand why I stayed in my depression and anxiety for so long without trying to help myself. Counselling really helped me a few years ago, and right now, as the time is right for my healing , I am not only falling back on what I learned then, but I have a couple people who are a huge help to me on the internet. I’ll share more about that another time.
Today’s post is just to say that it was way easier for me to stay in my depression and anxiety than it is now, to find healing from the issues that have caused it. It’s really hard digging into things that I have purposely forgotten about just so I can live. It’s really hard to have the old feelings come up and not know what to do with them. Someone once told me I was lucky to learn about, for instance, changing my bad thoughts of myself into good thoughts of myself. No, I’m not lucky. I’m working fucking hard. I know God is part of this healing journey as well, but at the same time, if you want to heal, you have to make the choice YOURSELF. God will walk any path with you that you choose, even if you aren’t ready to heal. Remember that.
Friends, do I have any regrets in choosing to heal? Some days I do. Some days I totally fail and I just want to forget about it BUT then some days…I win! I feel good. I feel hope. Those are the days I remember when I want to give up.
Keep up friends! Take a day at a time and live your life. As I was reminded today, every hour is a new beginning.
I am part of an online group where we are learning some new stuff. It’s growing daily and people are so excited. I notice how people react to new ideas ( that they like ), a good day, something exciting happening, a new movie out they’ve been dying to see…..you get the drift. Name anything you are excited about and react to it.
Now, how do I react? When people are happy, I am happy for them. I have no issues with the way people react to being happy and excited. My issue is how I react and I right off the bat I compare myself to them. This can have two consequences ( as I see it ). First of all, I can look at them and sneer in my mind. I can criticize them and hurt them, all the time realizing that it’s wrong. Second, I can criticize myself. I am not a huge reactor to things. I don’t even know if I used to be, but I do know that I am not anymore…..on the outside anyway.
What usually happens is I decide to criticize myself and that is why I am writing this blog. I am doing it right now. I know it’s wrong. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know all those things. I do believe if I was more of a reactor I would fit in better, but it just isn’t me and I choose to be me even if I am hurtful toward me.
I share all this to say I’m getting better. I am a supersenstive introvert. I took the Ennegram and I am a 5 (whatever that means). I remember years ago the family went on a mission trip to Mexico. My husband was the bus driver and he was able to take us all. I decided since these were people I had never met before I would try and act like my husband, who is an extroverted talker. I lasted 5 minutes ( maybe not even ). I’ll be honest and say I thought I was over this but apparently I am not.
I don’t have the energy to be someone else. Its too hard both mentally and physically. As an introvert my mind and thoughts are tiring enough never mind adding more to it. So what do I do? I guess I continue to learn about and love myself. I continue to be me and not only that, be happy and content with who I am because of the image I was made as….An ALL Loving God.
I will get this and I will not be so hard on myself. I got this!
Anyone else have this issue? I’d love to hear your story.
It’s been years since I have danced. It’s been years since I have wanted to dance. I found myself dancing to a Madonna song this morning after I finished washing my floors and vacuuming. For some reason I felt content and instead of stifling it like I usually do, I went with my feelings. It was fun. My dogs thought I was crazy and luckily my husband is working today and my son is sleeping. Had my son seen me he would have wondered about my sanity. I find myself doing that a lot lately myself ( wondering about my sanity). I am experiencing things and feelings I have never or at least I don’t remember. I think this has to do with hope. Hope for a future that maybe I can be truly happy. It’s a foreign feeling to me but I will go with it and I will look forward to more of it in the future because as I am learning, what and how I think is what will manifest. Exciting times.
It’s been a long time since I have been good. It’s been a long since I could smile and really mean it. It’s been a long time since I felt I had a reason to live. Now, not because I don’t have a reason to live. I have many reasons to live. I am truly blessed in so many ways. Depression and anxiety have a had a hold on me for a very long time and in recent years it’s been pretty bad. I have had some really bad spells. They do not impress me at all. I don’t share with others. I have a wall, a barrier if you will, that surrounds my soul. No one can get in, not even my husband. I don’t know why I am like that, but I am. I have no energy to desire things and to have passions. I feel nothing most of the time, unless I am having an anxiety episode.
Why am I sharing this now? I don’t know. But I do know, I finally have a sliver of hope. Hope that I might actually get well. Hope, that the second half of century of my life might bring true happiness and that perhaps the fog of depression and anxiety will disperse and for the first time ( that I can ever remember ) I might see life clearly.
This is not only my hope, this is my future. I will own it now!
I know it’s been a while since I posted and I know this may be a weird topic to write about but it’s too many words for Twitter.
We were in Red Deer to go to an appt. ( one that was causing me a little anxiety, I might add) and since were were early decided to stop at a popular cafe/restaurant for coffee and the washroom. I was sitting, like I usually do and someone turned on the dryer to dry their hands. OMG!!! It was SO loud!! We have one of those in Lacombe, that I know of, that I try to avoid using that washroom unless I mentally prepare myself. I was FREAKING out! I just wanted to cover my years and scream and I will admit, I came close to doing so.
I googled when I got home and I guess this is a thing but it doesn’t seem to be talked about, or maybe too common. More so with kids, it seems. I really do hate loud sounds, including music, which makes life tough sometimes when you live with people that LOVE loud sounds and music. If I know it’s coming I can prepare myself and be ready and it’s not so bad. Just freaking tell me!
I am still shaking and freaked out . I don’t know if there is a way to deal with this. I guess it’s not common enough to post a sign in the washroom. That’s one place I won’t be going into again. I hope the whole chain doesn’t go that way.
I’m curious if anyone else has this issue. Am I once again…..abnormal?
I had my last visit with our homeschool facilitator,ever. Danny finishes grade 12 in about a month or less. No more prepping for the new year or lesson plans. It’s a strange place to be. There are lots of big changes and I can’t say that I am too thrilled about them. I’m sure they will work out somewhat, but I like to know what’s happening and the result or else I panic. Needless to say, I’m pretty much always in panic mode.
Danny is job hunting. He has put in so many resumes and changed them even a couple times. I sure hope he finds something soon. The future is so bright for him as an 18 year old. He has his whole life ahead of him and I’m so happy for him that he is entering this time of life. He told the facilitator yesterday that he was feeling a little bitter sweet but yeah, so am I. I guess to me that a sign that what we have done together as a teacher/student duo went well and hopefully he won’t have too many bad memories of this time.
I don’t know what’s next for me or for my future but I guess for now, I will enjoy summer and maybe some ideas will show themselves!
Today, listen…..listen VERY carefully…. there is a voice coming from ‘within’ speaking to your soul, mind and heart. It is a voice that says, you are good, you are loved, you are accepted. It is the voice of God in you. Can you hear it today?
What a great message today. Yeah, I’m late to finish but I still have a ways to go. Enjoy this post and remember YOU ARE LOVED!
FANTASTIC! I love this post so much today! Once again….it’s laid out perfectly. On the other hand, I have to be careful I don’t see it as a to-do list. Like Mike explains, this is what will naturally happen because of Christ in you. That’s such a huge difference to me and yet when I look at it, I can see I am still a child mainly. I see glimmers of a young adult and that gives me hope but I also can see why I am still at the child stage. I’m ok with this, mostly. As long as I see it for what it is then I will be fine. I sometimes wonder if and how depression can change some of this. It’s hard to be focused on others when you are depressed. You really have to fight your way through it. Yeah, so I have some questions about it all, but that’s fine. God is good with that. 🙂
Sitting here waiting for the snow. We have a snow warning out but I don’t think we will get it as bad as they are saying. I hope so anyways but if not…what can I do? Shovel my way out I guess.
Have a super day friends. Enjoy the end of another week!
Man! I look forward to being in this stage. I love the idea of not searching for my identity anymore and knowing and understanding and believing that it is all found in Christ. What a day that will be! I love how the levels are laid out to see what is what. That is how I understand things.
It’s a mild pretty day but we still have tonnes of snow and expecting in the neighborhood of 15-20 cm more. I know I’m not the only one tired of winter, esp when we get glimpses of Spring in days like today. It will come though…there is hope. It’s almost mid March.
What a timely reminder this post was today for me. As someone with much anxiety I needed to read this. I don’t think I have been focused on Christ very much at all for a long time now. I think about Him but I tend to focus on me and what stresses me out. The joys of depression. UGH! I need reminders like this to show me it doesn’t have to be the way it is right now, all the time. Christ is the author and perfector of my life and not only should I remember that but live like it too. It will make life much easier.
I can’t help it but to start this off with ” what a GREAT post!” It is so good. I love how Mike describes the armor of God, not as putting them on in obedience so much as they are an affirmation of who we are in Christ, our true identity. I LOVE it a lot! and
March 9 and our tonnes of snow still isn’t melting. I’m antsy for Spring like so many other people I know. It’s Day Light Savings this weekend and it doesn’t even feel like it because of the snow and cold. Enough complaining about the weather for now. 🙂
My hubby and I are on our own again this weekend. Our youngest is going to his brother’s for the weekend. What a crazy place in life we are. Have a GREAT Friday friends!
I’m so thankful I’m doing this journey again. I had forgotten some really awesome stuff. I like to know specifics of what I am learning and sometimes they aren’t specific enough for me. I love this kind of topic where there are specifics. I’m talking about the specifics of what each stage of faith involves. ( sorry I used specifics so many times)
It’s a cold morning again but it is supposed to get nicer today and by the looks of the weather of the next couple weeks, it is looking good! I’m so grateful for that.
Hello friends. I missed a few days but I’m back. I am so tired today. I took some pain meds the last two nights. Advil just drags me out but it helps with the pain and sleep when I need it. Anyway…I will nap later. 🙂
I enjoyed this post so much today. It really became clear to me the difference between head and heart knowledge. I’ve been hearing those terms for years and I finally understand it. It also explains to me why I have never truly GOT God in a way that was settling to me. What I was being taught didn’t jive with who I felt I knew or who I thought God was. There was a disconnect and I can understand why. I’m not saying all I was taught didn’t jive but when some things don’t jive with what the Holy Spirit may be saying to you, sometimes it’s easy to throw the baby out with the bath water. It’s a puzzling thing. I will continue to puzzle over this today.
Have a super day my friends. I think Spring is finally going to come to Central Alberta. We have tonnes of snow but the sun is bright and strong. Spring is on the horizon and I am thrilled!
Happy Monday friends! I love this post today. I like to have specifics and I find this one shares that. The next few days will be great in that way. My life has changed a lot since I was taught my identity in Christ. I struggle with believing it sometimes and yet I know it’s the truth and I try to walk in that truth. So often it’s easier for me to believe it of others than for myself. Same with the forgiveness. The concept/the truth that God has forgiven everyone has many Christians calling people like me ( who believe this ) heretics. I won’t get into more of this because one thing that I have learned is if you are in a mindset that “your way is the only( perception) and best way” then you won’t listen to any other truths and ideas. Christianity can be a very closed minded mentality. Not tonnes of room for grace….at least that is the experience I have had and still have.
It’s hard to believe March starts this week. I’m so looking forward to winter being over. It’s been a cold one and I’m ready for milder weather. For us though, living right across the street from a Bee farm, Spring brings slow moving bees looking for warmth so they like to hang out on our decks right around the doors. It’s kind of annoying but gets better as the weather gets warmer and the bees get moved to their fields to make honey. My oldest son is allergic to bee stings so that has always been a concern but this will be the first Spring that he isn’t living here so I’m glad he doesn’t have to worry about that.
I will end it at that. Have a super day friends! I hope you know how special and loved you are by God…right this moment and I pray you can find comfort in that truth.
This is a great post. The first time I did this I was surprised. To be honest, I always thought I was a mature Christian because of how involved I was in my church. It was during counseling that I realized the reason I was doing what I was doing was because I was looking for approval from God. Nothing ever fulfilled that. I still struggle with that to some extent but it’s different because we don’t go to church anymore. That makes us back slidden to many Christians.
Happy Sunday friends! It’s a beautiful day here and yet, I will do the Netflix and chill thing, maybe. 🙂 We had a great visit last night with my oldest son and his girlfriend and then finished watching Jessica Jones. It was a late night but it was good.
Hi Friends. Happy Saturday from Sunny Alberta. I love to see the sun and by this time of year I so crave it. It’s pretty normal here to feel that way though, we do have sunny days in the winter but it’s so dreary. I guess it’s better than rainy gray days, though I know others would disagree.
I slept horribly last night, most likely due to a pop I had before bed with caffeine. But…it will be a good day anyway because my oldest son and his girlfriend are coming for supper. I love it when they come over. We have such great visits. I love being friends with my kids.
Enjoy today’s post from Mike. It’s a good one. I sure love how he describes his church. If I could find one around here than preached what he preaches….I’d go back to church in a heartbeat.
Day 9 today friends. This morning was a bad concentration day and even now, I just can’t focus so I will share it with you and hopefully later I can come back to it.
Went out with my hubby today to run some errands and now he got called to work and my son is at youth. Just me and the pets. It’s good. Happy Friday friends…..and a shout out to my friend who will be boarding a ship in Melbourne in just over 2 hours. Have a super holiday!!
Good Morning friends. I’m tired this morning. We are still puppy training and night time is the worse. She’s pretty good during the day….now we have to be trained at night to help her. The joys of puppies. 🙂
Today’s post left me with more questions about myself. It’s weird. Some of the reminders are good and some are just downright icky! Anyway….I hope you can get something out of it…and if not…maybe you will just get questions to mull over in your mind. Those are good too esp if they have you looking within yourself and asking the right questions.
You are loved…you are valued. Have a super day! The pic I am sharing today is one I took this morning. Gotta love myself a sunrise!
The thinking patterns and filters for those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety can be different than those who don’t. Actually, I’m pretty sure they are different. I had to remind myself yesterday as I was copying out of list of 50 things you can control. It’s amazing what you cannot control when the filter you see life through is depression. It’s crazy really. Anyway, I liked this picture I came across. It fit well with the majority of my days….esp the high anxiety days. I hope your day is going well friends! Take it like I try to do…a day at a time.
It’s a good topic today. One I have struggled with; REST. I wrestle with how resting in Jesus looks. I overthink it too much and look for signs that I am ” doing it right.” I do pray that He will show me what He truly means. I believe it goes beyond not shopping , cooking and cleaning on Sundays. IN this day and age, that just isn’t possible for everyone anymore and I don’t think God is concerned about that.
Midweek! The days are sure going fast. Have a super duper blessed day friends!
Here it is. I missed yesterday because my husband and I took the saying ” netflix and chill” to a different level and binged watched 24 Legacy ( well, more like 12 Legacy ) and two movies and I still have two episodes left of Queer Eye. Oh my Gosh…that show is so good and I cry most of the episodes. Anyway, so I missed yesterday and truth be told, I’m sure it won’t be the last day I miss. Today’s was a tough one. It’s hard to listen to the Holy Spirit when you see yourself in the wrong light. I find it hard anyway. It’s a new week. Not much on the agenda this week but I sure hope it warms up. It’s been a cold winter and this month we have had so much snow. I’m ready for Spring in a big way. Have a great day friends.
Here is Day 3 Friends. I don’t have much to say. My morning sucks so far. I will say that Psalm 42 is one of my favorites and I will come back to read it better later. Have a great day and try not to let your day get ruined like I do. UGH……..
There was no reblog on Day 2 so hopefully the link above will help. 🙂 What a great reminder today was. Not only a reminder of what I learned in the last 5 years but a reminder of the problem I have with accepting my identity in Christ. It’s a such a huge thing to learn and “accept.” I still have a lot of issues from my past to resolve and I think it would be easier for me to do that if I truly believed I was loved by God. It is part of my prayer in my journal. The message from Steve McVey was so good too. I love him and his teachings have been so key in not only my growth but my sanity in some ways. I pray you will find something that you need out of today’s post and continue to be thankful for the things around you and ask God to show you what you need to see. Have a beautiful day friends! I love you!
Day 1 friends, let’s be thankful. I know I so often sit in my weariness and forget to be thankful. I have lots to be thankful but there always seems to be a “but.” I found that today as well. I woke up feeling quite optimistic. That’s pretty uncalled for for me. In my optimism though, I was worried. Worried it would be taken away from me because I don’t know how to hold onto it. I allow others to suck it from me because I always have been like that. I am praying that during this journey, I will be able to find a way to allow that NOT to happen. Anyway, the reflection questions are best to answer in the evening so I will do that in my journal tonight. Have a super duper day friends! It a mild day temperature wise here but the snow is blowing and the roads are horrible and icy. A great day to stay in and be thankful I have a nice warm house to protect me from the elements of the weather. TTFN
Good morning everyone. Today is a brand new day!! How about we rejoice, and actually be glad about it! Today is the day to simply ‘be thankful.’ No better way to start this 40 day journey than being thankful and living in response to all that He has given us.
As you go through day one, respond with ‘thank you’ to all the things you are thankful for, or for the things God brings to your attention. Here is an example: Do you love coffee, in your mind say ‘thank you’ to Jesus as you sip away. Open your eyes to all the things around you that you are thankful for. At the end of the day, look back and add up all the new things you recognized today. You will be surprised.
Enjoy the bible verse below, and enjoy the Journey you experience today!
Here it is friends, the night before the journey. I’m very excited and very nervous. I believe more than ever that God led me to this place right this moment. I encourage you to watch the video. Its good and it’s a nice way to see Mike. It is his church sermon. It is about 32 minutes long. I will post again later in the day to share a little more about today’s message and how it affected me. Enjoy and Be blessed!
Next step: It is important to know the purpose for doing this 40 day journey, so I’m providing you with a summary of notes describing how to participate on this journey.
There is no ‘sign up’ button, but rather you can follow on the blog, Twitter, or click ‘like’ on the Grace Walk Canada Facebook page and follow along there. Whatever you choose, do visit the blog each day to get some ‘encouragement’….
Purpose of the 40 day Journey is:
Not to get closer to God
Not to manipulate anything from him through ‘special behavioural changes’
Not to diet, not to impress anyone, especially God,
Not to create a new ‘system’ of what I have to do…
But I am back and I am going to try something. I guess it was three years ago now that I started following a new blog at the time called A Grace Journey of Learning to Live Loved. I had heard of Mike Zenker though Steve McVey and Grace Walk. He is the head of Grace Walk Canada. I haven’t gone back and listened or read any of it yet, so I’m not sure if Mike did this series because it was around the Lent season but nonetheless, He started a series called a 40 Day Faith-bit Grace Journey. I decided tonight while I was lying in bed not being able to sleep that this is what I need to do. I need to take this journey again and what a great idea for me to share it with you. I will reblog them daily starting tomorrow. The first two might be on the same day. I will try and coincide it with Lent. I may or may not succeed. I will also share my thoughts…maybe and I pray that I will be able to do this. Depression and Anxiety have had a hold on me for so long and stolen so much from me. I just want it back. No, I don’t what what I had back, I want more. The struggle is real friends, but I will do this and as the days go by I will explain to you why it is important for me to do this. I don’t usually do posts at night and publish them but tonight I will. It feels nice to type again and maybe through this journey, I can learn to be transparent and actually do some of the writing I so desire to do. Good night precious friends. It’s good to be back!
Bell, Rob. How to Be Here: A Guide to Creating a Life Worth Living (p. 43). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.
If you focus on who you aren’t, and what you don’t have, or where you haven’t been, or skills or talents or tools or resources you’re convinced aren’t yours, precious energy will slip through your fingers that you could use to do something with that blinking line.
I’ve been off Twitter just over a month. I just logged in to check it out and maybe go back. Right away panic set in and a little panic attack ensued. After scrolling about 5 minutes I posted and then logged off. Here’s what I posted:
“OMG I was here 5 minutes and the panic is back again. Going off Twitter one more month and if the same thing happens I’m deleting. Truth is, Twitter reminds me too much of my friend and Life Coach Steve and I’m still reeling from his death
. See ya later, alligators.
As I said in the tweet, I’m still reeling from Steve’s death. He died by suicide. He is so missed. Maybe I’ll start blogging here again. We’ll see.