When you put your child into kindergarten; that first day you follow the bus to their school to make sure the bus makes it there (yes, I did)….you never think that one day they will grow up. We live life one day at a time, getting through the days: wiping noses, changing diapers, driving them here, there and everywhere. All of sudden they have their learners license and then their drivers’ and then they are driving you (yikes!) It’s easy to look back on the years and have regrets and wish you had done (something) different but it’s too late AND you need to remember that you did what you thought was right at the time. Have no regrets.
I made a conscious decision of enjoying every stage my kids were at. I can look back and see some hard times that I wish I had…..but I stop myself. I offer myself grace. “You did the best you could. “ I loved every stage. Being a stay at home mom has had a lot of perks that I am so thankful for. It wasn’t always easy and frankly, I think I missed out on some things. That’s ok though. I can’t understand why woman have to hurt each other because of choices they make staying at home or working out of the home. We make our choices based on so many issues and reasons no one else may even know. Why do we judge each other? Why can’t we just support each other?
My oldest son is 20. He dropped out of high school. He finished grade 10 and is working as a welder with his dad (and the plan is to go to school…hopefully Jan 2108). I homeschooled him through grades 6 and 9 and he went to the local high school in grade 10 because he wanted to play football. What a mistake that was. The very boys he went for, bullied him. That very quickly ended his high school career. He’s a Stand up Comic working on becoming big. He works hard.
My other son is 17. I homeschooled him through grades 4-current. He is in grade 11. We only have one more year to go. He chose not to go to the local high school. I am glad for that. I have a lot regrets about how I homeschooled and yet, I did what I knew, with guidance from a wonderful wonderful facilitator. I would do it different if I could go back and yet…maybe I wouldn’t. My 17 year old is waiting in anticipation to get his driver’s license. He waited so he got it late. He plans to look for a job. He isn’t so interested in working with his brother and dad full-time.
So here I am. Almost done grade 11 and then grade 12. The next year will go so fast. Married coming on 22 years this year. It’s a weird place to be and I never ever thought that first day I put my son in kindergarten, that I would be at this point, looking at two young men who I love as much today as I did then.
My Mommy heart is hurting today but it’s very full. I am so blessed.
Count Your blessings friends. There are many. I loves you!
Sitting outside with these two: Massey and Duke. It’s 1 degree Celsius out here according to my phone. It seems warmer though. Hubby is working, oldest boy gone for the weekend and youngest boy still sleeping. It’s a beautiful peaceful morning…birds singing ( no frogs yet ). Geese are making their way back. I love living in the country. Spring has sprung and I couldn’t be happier about that.
Creation sings and God dances.
Happy Sunday Friends. I loves you!
My first week without facebook was the weirdest. I thought for sure I would go through withdrawals and a few friends figured I would as well. It was so nice! Luckily I was also distracted by playing the Minimalism game. I found out I can use Messenger so I can stay in touch with some of my friends. As time went on I himed and hawed about whether I was going to go back to it but then decided that I would make that choice when the time came. For now I would enjoy this time and figure out what in the world life outside facebook was all about and who I was. I spent a lot of time on it. Way too much! Addiction would be a good word and honestly, quite truthful. I became obsessed with what other people thought and then I would become angry about it. It isn’t facebook that caused that, but me. I know that and I accept full responsibility for it. Some people can be on facebook and have no issues but I believe most people have issue with it, whatever it may be. Some of the emotions I had experienced were: anger, envy, arrogance, sadness, dread, hopelessness and I’m sure quite a few more. These emotions would trigger my depression and anxiety.
I found a lot of good on it too. I made some super great friends and it was so nice to be connected to family I haven’t seen for years. Just as I was leaving Steve McVey
was making a private group that I would kill to be part of ( ok, not quite lol) and I was tempted to stay just for that but I knew the time had come for me to leave and I knew it was God telling me. Steve even suggested that I could stay away from the places that were toxic to me. I was flattered that he thought I could be part of his group and I will admit, I was tempted again. I didn’t though. I knew what I had to do.
I don’t know what my future on facebook will be but for now, after 6 weeks, I am content without it. I am writing, I am minimizing my life and I am learning who I am in Christ and how to live it. I am reading some great books and I am listening to some great messages. I am trying to get to know me and who I am. Facebook was my social life, now I have none but I am getting smarter for it and I have a feeling this Spring and Summer will bring some new beginnings in this area.
God is good. I Loves you!
I wrote this in November of 2016, a couple weeks or so after we had met Wm. Paul Young (author of The Shack). The anger I talk about here, toward not only Wally, but God as well, happened quite a bit in our marriage and esp the last couple years or so of Wally’s drinking while I was in counseling for depression.
God spoke to me through the testimony of Wm. Paul Young
and the music of Alana Levandoski
. I have been in an interesting place since Wally quit drinking about a year and half ago. I have been quietly and innerly trying to find healing. I have gone through that process as I have been getting to know my Beautiful and Loving God. There has been much about Him that I have not accepted because I have had a hard time with my journey. One thing that really stands out to me is even when Wally was drinking he always always knew and leaned and prayed to Jesus. He always knew Jesus was love (not saying he knew that God was love, but that is part of the journey we are on together). Anyway, I used to get so mad! I would get mad at God and I would yell at Jesus. I was in my own living hell and here is Wally, drunk as a skunk, loving Jesus and knowing how much he needed Him. I was so jealous. Not jealous of the drinking but of the relationship that Wally had with Jesus. This guy, this f%$#*&g guy, was causing so much grief to me and to my kids. I was so so jealous and I wanted that so bad. I thought my relationship with Jesus was good. I thought He loved me. I thought I loved Him. When the depression hit, all the ideas I ever knew about God and Jesus became null and void. I was useless, broken, unloved and unloveable. That’s all I heard. Any voice of God I heard before….STOPPED. I was done! I was mad, I was angry, I was hopeless and totally helpless. I couldn’t even handle my own life. I quit my relationships with friends and drew away from family. Everything I had ever held truth and close to me became null and void because in my mind and in my heart, they were all lies.
You know, I don’t know why I felt this way. I don’t know what triggered it but all of a sudden all the insecurities I had ever had and ever felt came rushing in all at once and I was overwhelmed and messed up. I had never felt loved in a way that I needed. I don’t even know how that is or why. I was mad at everyone.
I’m glad God meets us where we are at. I Loves you.
Oh man. It is definitely not a move it, move it, move it kind of day! It’s cold and windy out so the only place a person really wants to be is bed, right from the get go. BUT…I had to get up this morning to take my Dukey dog in for a grooming at 9am. I decided to use this time to get my bloodwork done so that required fasting which I started at 8:30 last night. I slept horribly ( as usual ) and wasn’t sure if I was able to take an advil so I didn’t. ( RATS! I forgot to ask the nurse this morning if I can next time ). So…it is 1 pm and I am so just draggy to the core! I have lots of dishes to do from last night still. I guess a nap will have to be my reward for doing them. Sweeping and mopping the floor will have to wait until tomorrow. This is my life. 🙂 Boring…sometimes, but I like it, mostly.
Smile, even if you don’t feel like it! I loves you!