I’m going to do an experiment and use this blog as a journal. There will be some cursing. There will be some dark stuff. It was a suggestion of my therapist as a way to get things out. I have a fear of writing it in a note book in case they are found. You would think putting in on the world wide web would be worse but I’m pretty sure (i hope) those closest to me can not find it. Why am I so afraid of my family knowing my true thoughts? Maybe because of perfection and in some ways, control? Maybe they will see the real me and be disappointed? There is a lot more I can probably think of that will come later.
Today’s thought: I had therapy yesterday and I was talking about the need to get out of my head. You know that feeling that makes you think you losing your mind? He asked me how much idle time I have on my hands. A lot! Especially since I have been in my latest depression state for over two months with no breaks. The question I am going to ponder today and work through is how the fuck am I supposed to be “NOT” idle when my depression says to “BE” idle. The fight against depression is so hard somedays. My house needs to be cleaned, I have cooking and baking to do, I need to shower, I need to take my Christmas decos down etc etc. I can only put this stuff off for so long. I am motivated by my guilt a lot of time and the protection of myself. I don’t feel safe sharing my depression with others. That’s a whole other entry though. I’m going to sign off here for now and see if I can get some shit done.