Just Thinking

I keep a few different kinds of journals. One journal I have is write a good thing about me in it, everyday. I was going through it and noticed that the days I got lots of stuff done I praised myself and the days I didn’t get much done I would say things like “forgive yourself” or “go easy on you” I noticed a trend. As someone who doesn’t work outside the home I feel like my house needs to be perfect and I need to get all my baking done and everyone needs to be catered to. It’s as if, I punish myself if I stop for a few minutes. My depression and anxiety work against the way I believe I should be. Sometimes I’m just not able to do what I want to do or what what I feel I should do and it just adds on to how shitty I feel about myself. I’m coming out of a long depression ( the longest in a few years anyway) and I’m concerned about what happens when it hits again, but I digress. My goal for February in my “Love myself” journal is to say nice things about myself NOT based on what I do, but who I am as a human.

Going back to another thought about my depression (and anxiety). I have therapy in just over a week so I will talk to Jeremy about stopping therapy ( I’ll probably do 1 more session after my next one ) and make plans for how to deal with life when it gets tough or my depression and anxiety hit. The therapist I am seeing is not meant for long term therapy though I have been seeing him for just over 3 years. I quit once for 5 months but then my dog died and Danny went off to college in Texas and I pretty much died inside. So, my plan is to come up with personal toolkits, for both depression and anxiety (which I live with daily). I want to make quick action plans, long-term plans for taking care of myself and a longer one for different options. I think I can do this now. I can’t plan it while I live in my depression. My brain is too bat shit crazy but I feel now, I’m seeing clearer and thinking clearer. I’m going to start with a daily plan, day to day tools that keep me grounded.

I’ll stop here for now. I’ll be back in a few days maybe. I want to talk about my experience taking three courses in 1 week.


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