I had to stop and cry in the middle of cutting vegetables tonight. I became so overwhelmed at how special it was and how special I felt to be so loved by my grandson, Donovan. I went shopping today with him and his mama. I went along so I could keep him occupied in secondhand stores. Frankly, I loved it. He is such a well behaved boy when we are out.
While I was cutting vegetables, I went though my day in my head. I thought of the times that Dono played shy and how it was me that he clung to ( just because I was closest out of me and his mom). I’m not saying he chose me over his mom, I’m saying that I was good enough and that he felt safe with me. That is who and what I want to be and what I want to provide….safety.
I was in a self-compassion workshop this week. We talked about values and we talked about learning to love ourselves the way we are loved by someone else. When I think of the way that Dono looked to me for safety and love today, it really overwhelmed me on this realm as well. Could I really learn to love myself that much?
I think I will stay on this path. It felt really good to be loved that way. Can you even imagine how good it would feel if I could always feel that loved, by me?
I’m tired of my thoughts this week so I thought I would introduce you to some of the things in my life that make me laugh, smile and run. Our grandson was born January 2020, just before the shutdowns happened because of covid-19. We decided that he needed a petting zoo, so we made him one. It’s been a learning curve for my husband and I and to be honest, it’s also given us something to agree with each other about. Trust me, we needed something. So it’s been good on many levels.
Our two pigs are momma and daughter and their names are Penny and Diamond. The black goat is Blackie and the brown one is ( wait for it, wait for it….) Brownie!! We are looking forward to our Grandson and his soon to be brother to get bigger so they can name the animals. LOL The geese are a family of 5; Oscar and Emma and the kids. They will get named eventually. We have 3 adult ducks…Hal and his two wives, Grey and Blue. We are hopeless namers. Thank god we were better when it came to naming our kids. LOL There are 7 adolescent ducks, not named yet. What would you name a duck? We have 3 roosters named Huey, Duey and Lewy. The one here is Huey. He’s king pin and likes to try to chase people. He attacks my legs when I’m wearing shorts ( guess he doesn’t like my white legs) and he has brought down my grandson twice. What a cock. The horse is Daisy and she is blind in one eye. We’ve had her for a while. I think she really likes the company. The dogs are Fergie (the doberman) and Duke. Duke is still considered a puppy. He will be 2 in November. He’s coming around. He’s a great guard dog and loves to party with our neighbors on the weekends. We also have 3 baby turkeys. As they get bigger I’ll get more pics of them.
So this is my life. I like this part of it. In the chaos of covid, my sweet friends here have brought me peace, mostly. Thanks for letting me share. Have a super great week.
Above is a pic of the flowers that are left from the flowers I bought for myself a week and half ago. I have been wanting to buy them for over a year and this is how long it has taken me. I’m so glad I took the plunge. In therapy, I am working through self-criticism and self-hate issues. Knowing what my love language is, is helping me to be nicer and kinder to myself. I don’t think I could have start the journey of self-love without first figuring out why I don’t like myself. That has been another journey and a half but it all makes sense to me now.
This past January ( along with other daily journals I write in) I started something called ” Loving Myself.” Basically, I am cheering myself on and soothing myself when needed. I’m reminding myself who I truly am and that I am indeed worth loving and standing up for. I found myself having to advocate for myself and my importance and worth this week. I was sad and disappointed that I had to do it, especially since it was to someone who is supposed to love me. Nonetheless, I did it because I realize no one else will. I’m glad I did. I hope it worked.
So, do I love myself?
Am I kind to myself?
I‘m not hateful but I have come a long way.
Do I write in my Loving Myself journal everyday?
Yes, but if I can’t think of anything positive to say, I will remind myself that it’s ok.
I started almost two years ago seeing a psychologist. My Dr. referred me and through my provincial healthcare, I didn’t have to pay. I’m still seeing him. In September of 2020 something happened that totally devastated me and the following January 0f 2021 I started seeing an addiction counselor. I’ve had the benefit of one of them being a male and one being a female and honestly, I lucked out and they have both been so good and a great fit for me. My referral psychologist is supposed to be for short term therapy and I can hardly believe I still see him. I do believe though that it will soon come to an end. He promised me a year ago he would give me good notice though so for that…WHEW!!
I understand that therapy is not necessarily meant for life, though, maybe for some, if they can afford it, why not? Talking with my addiction counselor today, we talked about this topic. The goal of therapy is to not need therapy anymore. The goal is to learn coping skills and learn how to deal with things, on your own. It makes sense. I have learned so much from both of these individuals. I feel stronger. I still have so much fear in me and I know I still have a long way to go. I have things happening in my life that are really hard. I guess in some ways, I’m trying to soften the blow of my psychologist and counselor eventually ending therapy. It is something I will talk about in my next session as well, to get my psychologist’s point of view on it too.
But for today, nothing will change in this department. I will continue with my “homework” and learn as much as I can, including basic skills that I feel I should have known already. It’s a kick in the gut to learn that the way you have been living isn’t necessarily the healthiest way of living. But, I’m a big girl and I know that no one can make the changes but me. So I will.
Good grief! It’s been so long since I’ve blogged here I forget how to use WordPress. To be honest, I never was really able to totally grasp it. When I post a blog, I usually set it up as my feature post so I can find it. I didn’t do that on my last post just before I ate supper. I’ll have to find it and link it here. LOL
I wanted to follow up to say that yes, I’m devastated still and it’s preventing me from going on Twitter and at the same time, I’m grieving for my friend in healthy ways along with therapy and other means of healing. Steve started me in the journey of healing, as my life coach a few years ago. He encouraged me to go into therapy which has been the best thing I’ve ever done. Maybe I’ll get more into that.
Honestly though, I don’t know what I want to do with my blog. I’m not sure what to write about but I feel me starting to write again ( I have two books I am at the very beginning stages), that it can be my way to pay homage to Steve. I forgot to say, he is an author. I will link some links from amazon of his books.
I’ve been off Twitter just over a month. I just logged in to check it out and maybe go back. Right away panic set in and a little panic attack ensued. After scrolling about 5 minutes I posted and then logged off. Here’s what I posted:
“OMG I was here 5 minutes and the panic is back again. Going off Twitter one more month and if the same thing happens I’m deleting. Truth is, Twitter reminds me too much of my friend and Life Coach Steve and I’m still reeling from his death
. See ya later, alligators.
As I said in the tweet, I’m still reeling from Steve’s death. He died by suicide. He is so missed. Maybe I’ll start blogging here again. We’ll see.
Today has been the craziest day and it’s only 1:30. My dog ran after a vehicle going into the pasture today. I’m always concerned she will annoy the cows. I ran after her, and she DID not annoy any cows.
My dog also saw a skunk for the first time today and chased it to the end of our driveway, right to the road. The skunk hid out in the drain pipe. She did NOT go on the road and get run over and she did NOT get sprayed with a skunk. I, on the other hand, almost died running after her…and might I add, I was still in my pajamas with a heavy coat over it ( it’s like 22 degrees Celsius, very warm out) because it was the closest coat I could find, carrying a container of dog treats to bribe her.
I’m doing laundry today. Four loads. I can finally rest, somewhat. You see, if I don’t turn the water off on the washing machine, we will have a flood and crazy enough, it has happened a number of times. The last one was about a month ago and it was the worse flood ever. I am happy to say, there was NO flood today! The last load is on the last cycle.
I could say, this has been the worse day ever…the worse day of my week. Sometimes, when you have anxiety and depression, it doesn’t take much to make it the “worse” day. But today, when it seemed like the worse day, really, the worse that could happen, did NOT happen. Fergie ( our precious Princess of a dog), did NOT annoy the cows or the landlord, she did NOT get sprayed by the skunk or go on the road and I did NOT have a flood. On the other hand, I did look ridiculous.
Truly then, I will consider today and win! See you later, while I go fold laundry!