I keep a few different kinds of journals. One journal I have is write a good thing about me in it, everyday. I was going through it and noticed that the days I got lots of stuff done I praised myself and the days I didn’t get much done I would say things like “forgive yourself” or “go easy on you” I noticed a trend. As someone who doesn’t work outside the home I feel like my house needs to be perfect and I need to get all my baking done and everyone needs to be catered to. It’s as if, I punish myself if I stop for a few minutes. My depression and anxiety work against the way I believe I should be. Sometimes I’m just not able to do what I want to do or what what I feel I should do and it just adds on to how shitty I feel about myself. I’m coming out of a long depression ( the longest in a few years anyway) and I’m concerned about what happens when it hits again, but I digress. My goal for February in my “Love myself” journal is to say nice things about myself NOT based on what I do, but who I am as a human.
Going back to another thought about my depression (and anxiety). I have therapy in just over a week so I will talk to Jeremy about stopping therapy ( I’ll probably do 1 more session after my next one ) and make plans for how to deal with life when it gets tough or my depression and anxiety hit. The therapist I am seeing is not meant for long term therapy though I have been seeing him for just over 3 years. I quit once for 5 months but then my dog died and Danny went off to college in Texas and I pretty much died inside. So, my plan is to come up with personal toolkits, for both depression and anxiety (which I live with daily). I want to make quick action plans, long-term plans for taking care of myself and a longer one for different options. I think I can do this now. I can’t plan it while I live in my depression. My brain is too bat shit crazy but I feel now, I’m seeing clearer and thinking clearer. I’m going to start with a daily plan, day to day tools that keep me grounded.
I’ll stop here for now. I’ll be back in a few days maybe. I want to talk about my experience taking three courses in 1 week.
I’m not feeling too bad this morning. It feels like this bout of depression is starting to lift. I’m so grateful for that. At the moment we have a electrician working on getting more power into the barn, so as I write this, we have no power. I’m pretty tired today. I didn’t sleep too good ( which is pretty normal). My best nights are sleep are when I medicate myself, which I didn’t do last night. I did sleep 11 hours the night before though.
I don’t have much I have to do today. I will go for a walk though. I am very much sedentary. It’s so unhealthy and I know I’m setting myself up for failure. As for today though, I will go for a walk. My husband plowed me a great little path so I’ll see what dogs would like to come with me. I’m also working on a writing project. I just started it and I have a bit of an outline so I will get a good start on that today too.
Ugh! I feel like crap! We just had supper. Spaghetti. Truth is, I really wasn’t hungry. I went on a food binge the 1/2 hour before supper. I feel so ashamed of myself and it makes me hate myself. As I’m binging, I know it isn’t right. Sometimes I can back off from it but sometimes it’s like it was today and nope, I kept on going. Now to treat myself kindly and move on from this. That’s easy enough. NOPE! When I feel the way I do atm, food is a place I will turn. Since I feel like shit, chances are I will beat myself up. But maybe I won’t this time. Maybe I will try and let it go. Maybe journaling about it will help. I have the tools, but in the moments, it’s so hard to put them into play. I forget them. This girl needs a tool box. Gonna make that a goal this month, start my mental health toolbox.
I’m going to do an experiment and use this blog as a journal. There will be some cursing. There will be some dark stuff. It was a suggestion of my therapist as a way to get things out. I have a fear of writing it in a note book in case they are found. You would think putting in on the world wide web would be worse but I’m pretty sure (i hope) those closest to me can not find it. Why am I so afraid of my family knowing my true thoughts? Maybe because of perfection and in some ways, control? Maybe they will see the real me and be disappointed? There is a lot more I can probably think of that will come later.
Today’s thought: I had therapy yesterday and I was talking about the need to get out of my head. You know that feeling that makes you think you losing your mind? He asked me how much idle time I have on my hands. A lot! Especially since I have been in my latest depression state for over two months with no breaks. The question I am going to ponder today and work through is how the fuck am I supposed to be “NOT” idle when my depression says to “BE” idle. The fight against depression is so hard somedays. My house needs to be cleaned, I have cooking and baking to do, I need to shower, I need to take my Christmas decos down etc etc. I can only put this stuff off for so long. I am motivated by my guilt a lot of time and the protection of myself. I don’t feel safe sharing my depression with others. That’s a whole other entry though. I’m going to sign off here for now and see if I can get some shit done.
I had to stop and cry in the middle of cutting vegetables tonight. I became so overwhelmed at how special it was and how special I felt to be so loved by my grandson, Donovan. I went shopping today with him and his mama. I went along so I could keep him occupied in secondhand stores. Frankly, I loved it. He is such a well behaved boy when we are out.
While I was cutting vegetables, I went though my day in my head. I thought of the times that Dono played shy and how it was me that he clung to ( just because I was closest out of me and his mom). I’m not saying he chose me over his mom, I’m saying that I was good enough and that he felt safe with me. That is who and what I want to be and what I want to provide….safety.
I was in a self-compassion workshop this week. We talked about values and we talked about learning to love ourselves the way we are loved by someone else. When I think of the way that Dono looked to me for safety and love today, it really overwhelmed me on this realm as well. Could I really learn to love myself that much?
I think I will stay on this path. It felt really good to be loved that way. Can you even imagine how good it would feel if I could always feel that loved, by me?
I’m tired of my thoughts this week so I thought I would introduce you to some of the things in my life that make me laugh, smile and run. Our grandson was born January 2020, just before the shutdowns happened because of covid-19. We decided that he needed a petting zoo, so we made him one. It’s been a learning curve for my husband and I and to be honest, it’s also given us something to agree with each other about. Trust me, we needed something. So it’s been good on many levels.
Our two pigs are momma and daughter and their names are Penny and Diamond. The black goat is Blackie and the brown one is ( wait for it, wait for it….) Brownie!! We are looking forward to our Grandson and his soon to be brother to get bigger so they can name the animals. LOL The geese are a family of 5; Oscar and Emma and the kids. They will get named eventually. We have 3 adult ducks…Hal and his two wives, Grey and Blue. We are hopeless namers. Thank god we were better when it came to naming our kids. LOL There are 7 adolescent ducks, not named yet. What would you name a duck? We have 3 roosters named Huey, Duey and Lewy. The one here is Huey. He’s king pin and likes to try to chase people. He attacks my legs when I’m wearing shorts ( guess he doesn’t like my white legs) and he has brought down my grandson twice. What a cock. The horse is Daisy and she is blind in one eye. We’ve had her for a while. I think she really likes the company. The dogs are Fergie (the doberman) and Duke. Duke is still considered a puppy. He will be 2 in November. He’s coming around. He’s a great guard dog and loves to party with our neighbors on the weekends. We also have 3 baby turkeys. As they get bigger I’ll get more pics of them.
So this is my life. I like this part of it. In the chaos of covid, my sweet friends here have brought me peace, mostly. Thanks for letting me share. Have a super great week.
Above is a pic of the flowers that are left from the flowers I bought for myself a week and half ago. I have been wanting to buy them for over a year and this is how long it has taken me. I’m so glad I took the plunge. In therapy, I am working through self-criticism and self-hate issues. Knowing what my love language is, is helping me to be nicer and kinder to myself. I don’t think I could have start the journey of self-love without first figuring out why I don’t like myself. That has been another journey and a half but it all makes sense to me now.
This past January ( along with other daily journals I write in) I started something called ” Loving Myself.” Basically, I am cheering myself on and soothing myself when needed. I’m reminding myself who I truly am and that I am indeed worth loving and standing up for. I found myself having to advocate for myself and my importance and worth this week. I was sad and disappointed that I had to do it, especially since it was to someone who is supposed to love me. Nonetheless, I did it because I realize no one else will. I’m glad I did. I hope it worked.
So, do I love myself?
Am I kind to myself?
I‘m not hateful but I have come a long way.
Do I write in my Loving Myself journal everyday?
Yes, but if I can’t think of anything positive to say, I will remind myself that it’s ok.
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