Day 23: What Do I Wish For?

I wish people would be kinder. It makes me so sad that we are so ugly to people just because they think different from us. There are so many diversities of people in the world and it is natural to flock with like minded people. I don’t have an issue with that. My issue is when this community of like-minded people are nasty to those who think different than them. Unfortunately, this is a humanity issue. Every group does it. Maybe not everyone in the community does but as a whole they all do it and it looks bad for everyone in that group. That is why we have wars. Right from Day 1.

We can’t control what others do. That is what is causing all this anyway. We need to step up and take responsibility for our own actions and decide what we do have control over. I don’t have a problem with peaceful marches but if there is nastiness, I think it’s wrong. I am intrigued with the Science March that happened this weekend but I (this is my own opinion) wasn’t too impressed with the Women’s March that happened a few months back. I know even in that, there were those who were kind, but they don’t get shown much on media. It’s usually the ugly people that sell the news best.

What can I do? That’s the question we need to ask ourselves. Maybe marching is your thing. Maybe it’s not. That’s ok. We all answer this question differently. But one thing we can ALL do is to be kind to each other. It is so tiring…everything is set up to divide. Politics, Religion, Sexual Orientation, Race, Gender, Wealth, never mind all the little things that come out of these issues. I’m sure there are more but I can’t think of them off hand.

I honestly believe this quote. Even if the world will not change because of something one person does, you may change the world of one person and in my opinion, that is worth a whole lot more. Even if you will never know how you have made a difference in that one person, you will be able to sleep at night and your quality of life will be way better and way healthier.

Friend, What do you wish for? Please feel free to answer this question. I found this a hard question to answer.

Have a super duper blessed day friend! Enjoy your day even if it’s snowing (it is snowing here today and last night…UGH). I loves you!

Day 22: Something I Would Like to Change About Myself

This is an easy/hard one. Easy in the sense is there are lots of things and hard in the sense of keeping it down to one and not so many details that I put myself out there too much. I was never good at balance…HEY that is the one I will choose!

If I could change something it would be that I would be more balanced as a whole and in little things. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. Always have been and as I’m getting older I notice that it is in everything. It’s like I do one thing in the moment and my whole life has been and will be affected by it for the rest of my days. If I am not perfect at anything (and actually I am not) my way of looking at that is I am not good at ANYTHING. This lack of balance that I have holds me back from trying new things, meeting new people and well, going out anywhere in general. Lack of balance and anxiety but that is a whole different topic. 🙂 See, told ya. Lots I would like to change.

So, “if I am not perfect at something I am a failure at life.” That is such a horrible mantra but one that I have brought through life. It is only through counselling that I have been made aware of this and I have been trying to deal with it ever since (the last four years or so). I never felt like I was good enough or measured up. I know why I am this way and it is still a struggle but I have learned it is a “LIE” and some things are only in the eyes of the talker. Just because someone sees it this way, doesn’t make it so. But it gets buried into the deepest of hiding places in your soul and festers. It’s tough.

But I do want to say that I have made some headway in this area. I am learning to balance this out in a realistic and truthful manner and that is helping tonnes! I’m still horrible at balance but I guess that will be a life-long struggle, situation to situation.

I will share with you how I am learning the lies of that horrible mantra. I am learning and starting to believe in tiny bits, who I am in Christ and most of all, that I am loved by Him 100%, no matter what. It doesn’t matter what I say or do…nothing I can do can change His amazing love for me. My whole life I felt unloved (not saying I was unloved but I felt I was), not only by God but by friends and family. It had festered so long that I was unlovable, that I was unworthy of anyone’s love including God’s. So now, to discover how wrong I was and not only that, to discover that even though I thought that about God, it doesn’t change how He feels about me. I am not only worthy and lovable…I am WORTHY, VALUED and LOVED! Once I started to grasp this, it made a huge difference in not only how I look at myself but how I look at others! Friend, you are WORTHY, VALUED and LOVED!

Anyway, that is my story and I am sticking to it. 🙂 I don’t want to turn this blog into a religious one but it is important that you know my faith my identity and worth in Christ is the reason I can and do write this blog. I give Him the glory so don’t be surprised if in the future you see me talk about more faith stuff. For now though, my identity in Christ is what is healing me.

Oh friend, I hope you know how much you are loved!!!! I loves you so much!!!

Day 21: 10 Favorite Foods

In no particular order (except for the pizza):

Pizza ( my very fave!)

Breakfast Burritos

Cheese and Bean Burritos

Tacos (real authentic ones from Mexico)

Taco Salad

Tossed Salad

Cheese

Eggs

Guacamole

Avocados

My favorite kitchen appliance is my George Foreman Grill. My oldest son uses it a lot too. He always says that the first thing he will do when he moves out is to buy one. They are so handy and you can use them for anything.

It is another cool and cold April day in Central Alberta. My son has been on Easter Holidays and goes back to school (well, starts school anyway) on Tuesday. We have one more push and then he is done grade 11. We will probably end school in mid-June. This year has just flown by!! Oh how the years go by quickly. I used to think it was a cliche but it is the total truth! ( wow, that’s a paragraph with a LOT of short sentences)

My husband works on Saturday and we will get so see some great friends on Saturday night. That is pretty much our weekend planned.

Have a super duper Friday Friends! Smile, cuz you can! I loves you!

Day 20: Last Time I Cried

It was two weeks ago at my appointment with the Diabetic Nurse. I was ashamed, embarrassed and felt like a complete failure. Originally when I found out I was diabetic it was all about exercising and eating right. What they failed to tell me was it ain’t easy. At the time I found out I was diabetic I was starting counselling for depression, sick and tired of an alcoholic husband and enabling him and worse of all, found out I was in that “perimenopause” time. UGH! Never mind the fact that I wasn’t active before all this. So then, finding out I was diabetic and gung ho on eating right and walking. I was good for a while. Winter comes ( horrible for depression ), motivations goes, Fitbit breaks. So many excuses and yet, it’s life and it happens.

You know, I am not looking for advice when I share this with you. In fact, I don’t necessarily appreciate it because you don’t know what I have tried and why I haven’t tried something else. It’s one thing to share what has worked for you in similar circumstances and I am all for that so long as it isn’t trying to “fix” me.  My story is more than the surface of what I share here. It goes deep into the whys and hows and there is much healing that needs to take place and is taking place, as I speak. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I have no desire to do anything. That is ok. It’s my story, it’s my life. It’s one of the reasons I quit sharing in the past. Anyway, the truth is, this blog isn’t meant for me to look for answers so much is it is meant for someone who is reading it to know that they are not alone. S$%t happens. Life happens. Sometimes there are answers and sometimes we just have to sit back and wait for it to calm down. And sometimes, that is what our whole life is…back and forth.

We can’t sit in this place for long though. We have to remember the part that life does go on. We need to go on. This moment will fade away into another moment and it may be better. That is why we can’t dwell on the yuckiness we feel. It is only very recently that I can say and truly believe, in the moment, that it will be ok. I will be ok.

So, I cried to Leslie (nurse) and she reassured me that I was doing fine and to make small changes at a time. I left there feeling way better. I bought a new Fitbit and I have been making small changes again. A little bit at a time, I am feeling better. Spring is here and that helps. It’s actually sunny today and I can hear all the birds ( and the cows will soon be here!) and last night I was out with one of our dogs and we listened to the frogs, the night time birds and the coyote puppies. Yes, Spring is here and I am so thankful!

Friend, you are Amazing! There is not enough ANYTHING that can measure up to the Importance and the Worth that you are. I know what it feels to feel less than. It is a daily struggle I have. It needn’t be though and I am in healing. You can be too.

Have a Super Duper Blessed day my Amazing Friend! I loves you!

Day 19: Something That Never Fails to Make Me Feel Better

Hi Friend! I have to make this quick because I have a killer headache today. It was migraine mode this morning which is why I am late getting this up.

There were two different ways I was thinking of answering this. One was a deeper way maybe in some ways more the transparent truth when it comes to truly feeling better. I will save that for another day though because I am not feeling well right now.

When I am feeling down or “meh” there are four different movies I watch. Not all in the same sitting of course but each one, in its own way, make me feel happy.

Mamma Mia

Hairspray Live

Grease Live

Julie&Julia

There you have it! Do you like any of these? If you want, link up your favorite movie or you go-to that makes you feel better “every time!”

Have a beautiful day! I loves you!

Day 18: Things That Make Me Scared

Keep in mind when I am sharing things on my blog I am sharing them from my perspective and my life and the issues I talk about may look different from how you see them. Even though I am (de) and (re)constructing my religious beliefs right now, doesn’t mean that my faith is not important to me anymore or that my relationship with God is severed or anything like that, it just means, in my mind, that the Truth is becoming realer and righter to me.   🙂

This question can and does go hand in hand with yesterday’s blog.

Things that make me scared:

1.The thought that I will have to live with depression for the rest of my life and go on drugs for it. I don’t like that thought at all and brings some fear to my life. I have a taken a few kinds of antidepressants and they were awful. In my case, I believe my depression goes hand in hand with my religious beliefs and I have found as I am learning new things ( that I am Truly Truly loved) and realizing some of the lies I have been taught, my depression has been less. Maybe it is just wishful thinking but this is one of these issues that..this is how I see my depression.

2.The thought of going back to the lifestyle we had when my husband was drinking. Meaning, Wally drinking again. I hate that idea and it scares me.

NOW…I want to talk about both of these fears. Do you notice I start them with “The thought”? I am already giving these issues fear over me because I am thinking about them. I will go as far to say is I am already formulating ideas in my head as to how to deal with them. THAT my friends is called “future tripping” and it is a bad bad idea! Neither one of these things have happened and to be honest, there is no reason that I can see that they will happen in the unforeseeable future. So, I live my days as if they have or will happen and then if all of a sudden it does, I live through it a second time. It is so stupid and it is something I have done my whole entire life. I have killed people off during these thoughts. It is so nasty and might I say, more common than I have ever known. So many of us are missing out on our lives…the here and now .because we are so concerned about what “might” happen. It totally blows me away. I have no control over either of these issues. Maybe, in a way, the first one, but definitely not the second one. A few months ago I was fretting over my fear of my hubby drinking again. I was in rough shape because it definitely makes me physically ill because of the anxiety. All of sudden I heard “I will always be with you and take care of you.” God reminded me that I was never alone. If the time ever comes, I will be ok.

You know, this moment is the only one I am guaranteed. We never know what will come and when our time on this earth is done. We have right now. Join me friends in living it with Thanksgiving rather than worrying about the future. For now, it will be ok. ❤

Happy Tuesday coming from a very snowy Central Alberta, Canada. Brrrrrrr I loves you!

Day 17: Something I Am Currently Worried About

What am I not worried about? Unfortunately, my worries can turn into fears thus the overthinking and future-tripping. With alcohol being a regular thing that has been around our lives since we were married, I have done so much worrying and future tripping. Maybe I will share more about that in another post just so you can hear one story of a wife married to an alcoholic (might I add…in the church).

I’ll put that on the back burner for now and talk about the here. 🙂 What am I worried about? I worry about my kids getting hurt while driving. I even worry about the guys getting hurt on the job even though they are safe. I worry about what my life will be like after my youngest is done homeschooling in a year and what in the world I will do and where I will fit.

I worry about my health as a diabetic with high blood pressure (and overweight). I worry about what others think of me and how they will react to what I say and do. See, there isn’t much I don’t worry about.

I think when it comes right down to it, I worry about everything I have no control over. I hate to admit it, but I would love to have more control over what happens in my life. I don’t though because other people are involved and some things well, some things are just not controllable by a human being. At the same time, would I really want control of everything and everyone in my life? That sounds like a huge responsibility. Talk about having to take meds. Yikes.

I know that my worrying can and has really influence my health, not in good ways. I have become literally physically sick because of worrying.  It has now become chronic anxiety and THAT is not fun at all!!!

As a Christian, I am told not to worry. “Give it to God,” they say, “you’ll feel way better.” Sometimes that has worked. I am just in the habit of taking it back and worrying double over it. “ If you can worry,” they say, “you can pray” That’s a good one and even might be Biblical. It is said so flippant and in ways that make it sound so easy. It’s not easy. I have considered trying meditation. Not so much the Eastern Culture meditation, though, the same technique but not being emptied and filled with nothingness as compared with being emptied of the garbage and filled with God. Now, that sounds weird to me because God is already in me, but to empty myself of the garbage, I can get behind that idea. I don’t know what stops me from trying that. Maybe it might actually work at calming my nerves. There was one time I was in the Dr. Office ( about 4 months ago) and was having my blood pressure taken. I just sat there calmly chanting “Jesus” over and over again and made sure that was all I thought about. My BP was totally normal and she took me off the meds. I don’t know if my BP normal had anything to do with my meditating but the results, in the end, were favorable.

Anyway, I do know being still will the Lord is calming regardless of what you call it. Maybe I should do it way more and just quit worrying! Wanna join me? 🙂

Have a super duper Monday! Smile because it’s the only Monday of the week! I loves you!