Day 30: Thoughts on the Last Thirty Day

There is something amazing about coffee. Something that makes so many people drink it first thing in the morning. Caffeine I imagine but besides that. For me, it is the yummy taste and just the whole idea that once I sit down for my coffee it is ok to start planning my day or at least thinking about it. I have taken the dogs for a walk and fed them and the cats (and took care of Massey and his cone of shame). I have done dishes and now I have given myself permission to sit and have a cup of coffee and a piece of cold pizza. I have been thinking about how I would write this post so here goes. 🙂

I am feeling pretty fine today. 30 days in a row (minus one) of writing/blogging. I have divulged more of myself than I was planning but some things you just can’t plan. I have been disciplined about sitting here every morning and writing. A couple of the posts I did write ahead time but for the most part, I wrote them that morning. I think in the future I will continue to do that but mix it in with a some that are planned ahead of time. I’ll just go with it. 🙂 It really worked with me to have a prompt to go with so I might just continue to use that for some writing ideas. I am still trying to find my mojo as a writer so I will try different things.

I love the thought that I finished Camp NaNoWriMo. I might have planned my intentions wrong so I may not get a badge ( oh, poor me) but I don’t really relish the thought of going through my blogs one by one and copying and pasting them to get a word count at the Camp. It’s not that worth it. I don’t need a badge anyway. I set a goal and finished it. That’s good enough for me. Actually, I took a screen shot and will use it as my feature picture. Very cool!

Well friend, thanks for being on the journey with me. I am looking forward to our continued journeys wherever and whatever they might be. It’s April 30, 2017, and it’s a GREAT day to be alive! I loves you!

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Day 23: What Do I Wish For?

I wish people would be kinder. It makes me so sad that we are so ugly to people just because they think different from us. There are so many diversities of people in the world and it is natural to flock with like minded people. I don’t have an issue with that. My issue is when this community of like-minded people are nasty to those who think different than them. Unfortunately, this is a humanity issue. Every group does it. Maybe not everyone in the community does but as a whole they all do it and it looks bad for everyone in that group. That is why we have wars. Right from Day 1.

We can’t control what others do. That is what is causing all this anyway. We need to step up and take responsibility for our own actions and decide what we do have control over. I don’t have a problem with peaceful marches but if there is nastiness, I think it’s wrong. I am intrigued with the Science March that happened this weekend but I (this is my own opinion) wasn’t too impressed with the Women’s March that happened a few months back. I know even in that, there were those who were kind, but they don’t get shown much on media. It’s usually the ugly people that sell the news best.

What can I do? That’s the question we need to ask ourselves. Maybe marching is your thing. Maybe it’s not. That’s ok. We all answer this question differently. But one thing we can ALL do is to be kind to each other. It is so tiring…everything is set up to divide. Politics, Religion, Sexual Orientation, Race, Gender, Wealth, never mind all the little things that come out of these issues. I’m sure there are more but I can’t think of them off hand.

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I honestly believe this quote. Even if the world will not change because of something one person does, you may change the world of one person and in my opinion, that is worth a whole lot more. Even if you will never know how you have made a difference in that one person, you will be able to sleep at night and your quality of life will be way better and way healthier.

Friend, What do you wish for? Please feel free to answer this question. I found this a hard question to answer.

Have a super duper blessed day friend! Enjoy your day even if it’s snowing (it is snowing here today and last night…UGH). I loves you!

Day 22: Something I Would Like to Change About Myself

This is an easy/hard one. Easy in the sense is there are lots of things and hard in the sense of keeping it down to one and not so many details that I put myself out there too much. I was never good at balance…HEY that is the one I will choose!

If I could change something it would be that I would be more balanced as a whole and in little things. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. Always have been and as I’m getting older I notice that it is in everything. It’s like I do one thing in the moment and my whole life has been and will be affected by it for the rest of my days. If I am not perfect at anything (and actually I am not) my way of looking at that is I am not good at ANYTHING. This lack of balance that I have holds me back from trying new things, meeting new people and well, going out anywhere in general. Lack of balance and anxiety but that is a whole different topic. 🙂 See, told ya. Lots I would like to change.

So, “if I am not perfect at something I am a failure at life.” That is such a horrible mantra but one that I have brought through life. It is only through counselling that I have been made aware of this and I have been trying to deal with it ever since (the last four years or so). I never felt like I was good enough or measured up. I know why I am this way and it is still a struggle but I have learned it is a “LIE” and some things are only in the eyes of the talker. Just because someone sees it this way, doesn’t make it so. But it gets buried into the deepest of hiding places in your soul and festers. It’s tough.

But I do want to say that I have made some headway in this area. I am learning to balance this out in a realistic and truthful manner and that is helping tonnes! I’m still horrible at balance but I guess that will be a life-long struggle, situation to situation.

I will share with you how I am learning the lies of that horrible mantra. I am learning and starting to believe in tiny bits, who I am in Christ and most of all, that I am loved by Him 100%, no matter what. It doesn’t matter what I say or do…nothing I can do can change His amazing love for me. My whole life I felt unloved (not saying I was unloved but I felt I was), not only by God but by friends and family. It had festered so long that I was unlovable, that I was unworthy of anyone’s love including God’s. So now, to discover how wrong I was and not only that, to discover that even though I thought that about God, it doesn’t change how He feels about me. I am not only worthy and lovable…I am WORTHY, VALUED and LOVED! Once I started to grasp this, it made a huge difference in not only how I look at myself but how I look at others! Friend, you are WORTHY, VALUED and LOVED!

Anyway, that is my story and I am sticking to it. 🙂 I don’t want to turn this blog into a religious one but it is important that you know my faith my identity and worth in Christ is the reason I can and do write this blog. I give Him the glory so don’t be surprised if in the future you see me talk about more faith stuff. For now though, my identity in Christ is what is healing me.

Oh friend, I hope you know how much you are loved!!!! I loves you so much!!!

Day 19: Something That Never Fails to Make Me Feel Better

Hi Friend! I have to make this quick because I have a killer headache today. It was migraine mode this morning which is why I am late getting this up.

There were two different ways I was thinking of answering this. One was a deeper way maybe in some ways more the transparent truth when it comes to truly feeling better. I will save that for another day though because I am not feeling well right now.

When I am feeling down or “meh” there are four different movies I watch. Not all in the same sitting of course but each one, in its own way, make me feel happy.

Mamma Mia

Hairspray Live

Grease Live

Julie&Julia

There you have it! Do you like any of these? If you want, link up your favorite movie or you go-to that makes you feel better “every time!”

Have a beautiful day! I loves you!

Day 18: Things That Make Me Scared

Keep in mind when I am sharing things on my blog I am sharing them from my perspective and my life and the issues I talk about may look different from how you see them. Even though I am (de) and (re)constructing my religious beliefs right now, doesn’t mean that my faith is not important to me anymore or that my relationship with God is severed or anything like that, it just means, in my mind, that the Truth is becoming realer and righter to me.   🙂

This question can and does go hand in hand with yesterday’s blog.

Things that make me scared:

1.The thought that I will have to live with depression for the rest of my life and go on drugs for it. I don’t like that thought at all and brings some fear to my life. I have a taken a few kinds of antidepressants and they were awful. In my case, I believe my depression goes hand in hand with my religious beliefs and I have found as I am learning new things ( that I am Truly Truly loved) and realizing some of the lies I have been taught, my depression has been less. Maybe it is just wishful thinking but this is one of these issues that..this is how I see my depression.

2.The thought of going back to the lifestyle we had when my husband was drinking. Meaning, Wally drinking again. I hate that idea and it scares me.

NOW…I want to talk about both of these fears. Do you notice I start them with “The thought”? I am already giving these issues fear over me because I am thinking about them. I will go as far to say is I am already formulating ideas in my head as to how to deal with them. THAT my friends is called “future tripping” and it is a bad bad idea! Neither one of these things have happened and to be honest, there is no reason that I can see that they will happen in the unforeseeable future. So, I live my days as if they have or will happen and then if all of a sudden it does, I live through it a second time. It is so stupid and it is something I have done my whole entire life. I have killed people off during these thoughts. It is so nasty and might I say, more common than I have ever known. So many of us are missing out on our lives…the here and now .because we are so concerned about what “might” happen. It totally blows me away. I have no control over either of these issues. Maybe, in a way, the first one, but definitely not the second one. A few months ago I was fretting over my fear of my hubby drinking again. I was in rough shape because it definitely makes me physically ill because of the anxiety. All of sudden I heard “I will always be with you and take care of you.” God reminded me that I was never alone. If the time ever comes, I will be ok.

You know, this moment is the only one I am guaranteed. We never know what will come and when our time on this earth is done. We have right now. Join me friends in living it with Thanksgiving rather than worrying about the future. For now, it will be ok. ❤

Happy Tuesday coming from a very snowy Central Alberta, Canada. Brrrrrrr I loves you!

Day 17: Something I Am Currently Worried About

What am I not worried about? Unfortunately, my worries can turn into fears thus the overthinking and future-tripping. With alcohol being a regular thing that has been around our lives since we were married, I have done so much worrying and future tripping. Maybe I will share more about that in another post just so you can hear one story of a wife married to an alcoholic (might I add…in the church).

I’ll put that on the back burner for now and talk about the here. 🙂 What am I worried about? I worry about my kids getting hurt while driving. I even worry about the guys getting hurt on the job even though they are safe. I worry about what my life will be like after my youngest is done homeschooling in a year and what in the world I will do and where I will fit.

I worry about my health as a diabetic with high blood pressure (and overweight). I worry about what others think of me and how they will react to what I say and do. See, there isn’t much I don’t worry about.

I think when it comes right down to it, I worry about everything I have no control over. I hate to admit it, but I would love to have more control over what happens in my life. I don’t though because other people are involved and some things well, some things are just not controllable by a human being. At the same time, would I really want control of everything and everyone in my life? That sounds like a huge responsibility. Talk about having to take meds. Yikes.

I know that my worrying can and has really influence my health, not in good ways. I have become literally physically sick because of worrying.  It has now become chronic anxiety and THAT is not fun at all!!!

As a Christian, I am told not to worry. “Give it to God,” they say, “you’ll feel way better.” Sometimes that has worked. I am just in the habit of taking it back and worrying double over it. “ If you can worry,” they say, “you can pray” That’s a good one and even might be Biblical. It is said so flippant and in ways that make it sound so easy. It’s not easy. I have considered trying meditation. Not so much the Eastern Culture meditation, though, the same technique but not being emptied and filled with nothingness as compared with being emptied of the garbage and filled with God. Now, that sounds weird to me because God is already in me, but to empty myself of the garbage, I can get behind that idea. I don’t know what stops me from trying that. Maybe it might actually work at calming my nerves. There was one time I was in the Dr. Office ( about 4 months ago) and was having my blood pressure taken. I just sat there calmly chanting “Jesus” over and over again and made sure that was all I thought about. My BP was totally normal and she took me off the meds. I don’t know if my BP normal had anything to do with my meditating but the results, in the end, were favorable.

Anyway, I do know being still will the Lord is calming regardless of what you call it. Maybe I should do it way more and just quit worrying! Wanna join me? 🙂

Have a super duper Monday! Smile because it’s the only Monday of the week! I loves you!

Day 15: Weird Things I Do When I Am Alone AND Other Blabbering!

I guess it would depend on your interpretation of weird. When I am alone I eat food I shouldn’t eat. Sometimes I even stuff myself until I am sick but I am working at NOT doing that anymore. So much of that depends on my mood and why I am alone and what is happening. I also watch Musicals: Hairspray, Mamma Mia and Grease and my favorite non-musical: Julie&Julia. I have seen them all many many times. I am currently watching the Live versions of Grease and Hairspray. 🙂 I guess that is mainly it. I don’t think neither is too weird. I think the eating one is an emotional problem more than a physical one and one I am currently working on stopping, mainly by trying to find healthier foods. 🙂 The movie issue has become a joke among my hubby and kids but sometimes I don’t take it as a joke and I feel like a freak. That is why I will start watching the movies WHEN they are away from me. So I like watching certain movies over and over again! Sue me! Just wait until The Shack comes out on video!! I’m VERY excited for that!

Yesterday was Good Friday and we went for supper at my parents’ place in Red Deer. My sister and her husband were there and my oldest son brought his girlfriend. We had fish and chips (I grew up having fish and chips on Good Friday as a Catholic). Since I am going through such a radical paradigm change, I am not sure about my thoughts any more about Good Friday. I know what it stands for still and I acknowledge it and Easter as very significant events in my faith. I just haven’t put the emotions into it yet. I’m still trying to grasp it. If feels like it needs to be so much for to me than just one weekend. I’m mulling it over. (Because that’s what I do as a radical over-thinker!)

I got up today after just over 5-hour sleep (I had a latte around 8:30 oops). I got tons done though! Kitchen done, supper in the crock pot, the salad made, back room cleaned (after our nice flood), and now laundry is going. I love cooking to podcasts now and I finally found a great one that I will binge listen to for a while. The Liturgists. I love them. I love their chemistry and the fact that as of the first three episodes…no bashing of other Christians. I don’t have a problem with people having different radical views and I will even listen to them (I know what is important to me now as far as my beliefs go) but I hate the bashing that goes on. So far so good. I have been listening to a few all week and maybe in a few days, I will share about the ones I have on my Google Play Music.

I guess I will end there. I wish it was nicer out so we can enjoy going outside but I guess we will enjoy being inside. Yummy stew for supper is perfect for the cool rainy/snowy weekend. Have a super duper blessed day Friends! I will see you again, tomorrow and hopefully my blog will be up sooner. 🙂

I loves you!!!