It’s a Start

Is this thinking positive?

Today has been the craziest day and it’s only 1:30. My dog ran after a vehicle going into the pasture today. I’m always concerned she will annoy the cows. I ran after her, and she DID not annoy any cows.

My dog also saw a skunk for the first time today and chased it to the end of our driveway, right to the road. The skunk hid out in the drain pipe. She did NOT go on the road and get run over and she did NOT get sprayed with a skunk. I, on the other hand, almost died running after her…and might I add, I was still in my pajamas with a heavy coat over it ( it’s like 22 degrees Celsius, very warm out) because it was the closest coat I could find, carrying a container of dog treats to bribe her.

I’m doing laundry today. Four loads. I can finally rest, somewhat. You see, if I don’t turn the water off on the washing machine, we will have a flood and crazy enough, it has happened a number of times. The last one was about a month ago and it was the worse flood ever. I am happy to say, there was NO flood today! The last load is on the last cycle.

I could say, this has been the worse day ever…the worse day of my week. Sometimes, when you have anxiety and depression, it doesn’t take much to make it the “worse” day. But today, when it seemed like the worse day, really, the worse that could happen, did NOT happen. Fergie ( our precious Princess of a dog), did NOT annoy the cows or the landlord, she did NOT get sprayed by the skunk or go on the road and I did NOT have a flood. On the other hand, I did look ridiculous.

Truly then, I will consider today and win! See you later, while I go fold laundry!

TTFN

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But I Don’t WANT To Be Healed!!! Mental Health Edition.

Who would ever say that? In fact, we scoff at people who tend to stay in their place of pain and discomfort and say ” they don’t want to get better.” We scoff at people who choose to take medications while AND instead of getting to the issue itself. We seem to scoff at people who choose to deal with their mental health issues different than ourselves. If there is anything I have learned on my own journey is that every person is different, ever circumstance is different and that means that what works for one, may not work for another,

I’m not planning on getting into my issues very deep at this time. I just wanted to say that I can now understand why I stayed in my depression and anxiety for so long without trying to help myself. Counselling really helped me a few years ago, and right now, as the time is right for my healing , I am not only falling back on what I learned then, but I have a couple people who are a huge help to me on the internet. I’ll share more about that another time.

Today’s post is just to say that it was way easier for me to stay in my depression and anxiety than it is now, to find healing from the issues that have caused it. It’s really hard digging into things that I have purposely forgotten about just so I can live. It’s really hard to have the old feelings come up and not know what to do with them. Someone once told me I was lucky to learn about, for instance, changing my bad thoughts of myself into good thoughts of myself. No, I’m not lucky. I’m working fucking hard. I know God is part of this healing journey as well, but at the same time, if you want to heal, you have to make the choice YOURSELF. God will walk any path with you that you choose, even if you aren’t ready to heal. Remember that.

Friends, do I have any regrets in choosing to heal? Some days I do. Some days I totally fail and I just want to forget about it BUT then some days…I win! I feel good. I feel hope. Those are the days I remember when I want to give up.

Keep up friends! Take a day at a time and live your life. As I was reminded today, every hour is a new beginning.

Watch for updates!

TTFN

Something is Brewing

It’s been a long time since I have been good.  It’s been a long since I could smile and really mean it.  It’s been a long time since I felt I had a reason to live.  Now, not because I don’t have a reason to live.  I have many reasons to live.  I am truly blessed in so many ways. Depression and anxiety have a had a hold on me for a very long time and in recent years it’s been pretty bad.  I have had some really bad spells.  They do not impress me at all.  I don’t share with others.  I have a wall, a barrier if you will, that surrounds my soul.  No one can get in, not even my husband. I don’t know why I am like that, but I am.  I have no energy to desire things and to have passions. I feel nothing most of the time, unless I am having an anxiety episode.

Why am I sharing this now?  I don’t know. But I do know, I finally have a sliver of hope.  Hope that I might actually get well.  Hope, that the second half of century of my life might bring true happiness and that perhaps the fog of depression and anxiety will disperse and for the first time ( that I can ever remember ) I might see life clearly.

This is not only my hope, this is my future.  I will own it now!

TTFN

 

Day 18: 40 Day Grace Journey

via Day 18: Our Focus Determines What We Grow Into

FANTASTIC!  I love this post so much today!  Once again….it’s laid out perfectly.  On the other hand, I have to be careful I don’t see it as a to-do list.  Like Mike explains, this is what will naturally happen because of Christ in you.  That’s such a huge difference to me and yet when I look at it, I can see I am still a child mainly.  I see glimmers of a young adult and that gives me hope but I also can see why I am still at the child stage.  I’m ok with this, mostly.  As long as I see it for what it is then I will be fine.  I sometimes wonder if and how depression  can change some of this.  It’s hard to be focused on others when you are depressed.  You really have to fight your way through it.  Yeah, so I have some questions about it all, but that’s fine.  God is good with that.  🙂

Sitting here waiting for the snow.  We have a snow warning out but I don’t think we will get it as bad as they are saying.  I hope so anyways but if not…what can I do?  Shovel my way out I guess.

Have a super day friends.  Enjoy the end of another week!

I thought this was worth sharing ( talking about the picture)

The thinking patterns and filters for those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety can be different than those who don’t.  Actually, I’m pretty sure they are different.  I had to remind myself yesterday as I was copying out of list of 50 things you can control.  It’s amazing what you cannot control when the filter you see life through is depression.  It’s crazy really.  Anyway, I liked this picture I came across.  It fit well with the majority of my days….esp the high anxiety days.  I hope your day is going well friends!  Take it like I try to do…a day at a time.

Thursday Night Thoughts

Hi, Friend!  I am failing miserably at this whole Joy Dare Thing on here so I will end it for now.  I’m better off stopping now and carrying on rather than beating myself up, which is what I do.  I am just too tired to think.  I haven’t had a decent sleep for weeks ( literally) and depression is at my door the last few days so frankly, all my energy is being used to keep it at bay.  I have never been a good sleeper.  The years that Wally was drinking, I not only didn’t sleep but I had major anxiety too.  I still get night time anxiety but not near as bad as it used to be.  I wonder if this is one of these things that is part of healing?  It seems like it never ends, but freedom is worth fighting for so I keep on keeping on.

I was reading our local obituaries and noticed that a lovely lady that I loved passed away this week.  She was 98 turning 99 in August.  Our birthdays are the same month but she is exactly 50 years older than me.  We celebrated them together two years in a row a few years ago.  It made me kind of sad but it made me remember her too and the time we spent together…going for meals and praying.  She was sweet.  ❤

I guess that’s about it.  I thought I had more to say and maybe I would have if I had written my blog first before listening to an episode of The Inglorious Pasterds. 🙂  Now I am just too bagged.  It is 10:32 and I might just head to bed which is very unusual for me since I don’t usually go to bed until between 12 and 1 am.  I figure there is no point laying in bed staying awake for hours on end.  I have started using oils and night and putting relaxing meditation music on.  Can’t hurt, right?

Good night friend!  I’ll post a couple pics I took last night.  I loves you!

Day 16: What Kind of Person Am I Attracted to?

I really like this question now that I think about it because it has really evolved over the years. I remember when I was working for Mohawk and I was a single gal. Of course, I watched for “the one” and interestingly enough, I actually found him while I was working there. 🙂 As a cashier the first thing I looked at was hands. I don’t know why. Back in the day, good looks helped (just being honest) and eyes and well, your attitude played a big part in it because if you have ever worked retail, you know how people can be. Yikes…even the most gorgeous of people can become ugly because of the way they act. I met my guy there and didn’t look for men anymore. 🙂

Throughout my life since then, I have been attracted to those who have the same beliefs as I do. While I was attending church, my social life in and out of church was other Christians. I don’t think that is unusual. As we ran into issues in church (My hubby and I have always been misfits) I realized just how unattractive some of those people were that previously weren’t. All of a sudden when some people find out you think different than them (or act differently), they turn into totally different people. I know my depression has turned some people off of us just because I avoided them, but that is a different issue.

It was during counselling for depression that I realized what kind of people/person that I am attracted to. People who are accepting of others no matter what they believe (hey…that’s GRACE) and bigger for me yet….Kindness. I had never even experienced that myself until I was in counselling. Not that people weren’t nice to me. Of course, they were. But there is something special that comes with an understanding of who you are in Christ that shines outward…and THAT is Christ himself in us…Shining out! I had never seen it nor experienced it and wow, when all of a sudden kindness was coming my way in ways that made me feel worth something, I realized that there was way more to God and way more I needed (and wanted) to learn and know.

I have found by meeting and talking to a few people who have this grace/kindness that I am talking about, that it is something I want to and try to emulate and even more so, allow Christ in me to shine outward and let Him do it. I have found there has been a change in me and strangers react to me different than they used to. People that know me??? Since I have trust issues with most of them, I don’t see much of them anymore. It’s too bad and I will blame myself for that but it is what it is.

Anyway….KINDNESS. Be kind friends…you just never know the journey that someone else is on (even if you know that person).

Don’t be dumb, treat them kind anyway. ❤

Happy Easter Friends! He is Risen! I loves you!