Day 6: My Relationship With Food

This is one I was dreading answering especially since I had an appointment yesterday with our local diabetic nurse. She was so sweet and helpful. It isn’t the first time I met her. When I was first diagnosed with type 2 diabetes I went to her and she helped me with what diabetes was and what the numbers meant and put me in contact with the dietitian that’s in the same office. I then called her a few months later and felt like she was brushing me off. It was a few years ago that I learned I was diabetic and I started off really good with learning how to deal with it…how to eat, what to eat, how to exercise and how much and of course checking my sugar. It became such a burden and I would crave sweets and carbs and junk food eat them. I am an emotional eater and I have depression…they do NOT go hand in hand with diabetes. I especially emotional eat when I am all alone (even though I like to be alone). It’s almost like “since no one is here, no one will know” then I wonder why I am sick and why my numbers are high. Unfortunately, the food I choose during these times is not salad or cucumbers (imagine that)! Nope. Chips, chocolate bars and candy, never mind hamburgers, fries and pizza. Ugh. Yes, I even have a junk food stash going sometimes. Last night I threw it out.

I am so filled with guilt because of what I purposely do with my emotional eating AND have diabetes. Seriously though! “Loser city!” I sometimes think. So….I had this appointment today and ever since I made it I wanted to cancel it. My Dr. Suggested that I go and talk to her since my numbers were climbing. I didn’t cancel though because I knew this was a case of doing the opposite of what I wanted. I’m so glad I went.

First of all, I was expecting my numbers to be way high…but they weren’t. They are sneaking up bit by bit so what I needed was to talk and TALK I did. And I cried. I cried for the whole first hour. Not ugly crying, just tears. I hate crying…I totally hate it and see it as a weakness on my part. UGH. I really am so amazed at how hard I am on myself. I would never set these standards for my kids or anyone I loved. I just can’t believe I set them so high for myself. I have tried my whole life to be perfect. I have tried my whole life to be good at something and not just good….PERFECT. It’s crazy really. Back to my appointment. 🙂 Leslie (the nurse) reassured me that I was doing fine and she told me just how NORMAL I was in comparison to other diabetic women that come to see her. I kind of surprised her that I was willing to put all the blame on me (I am in control of my own actions and I do the cooking and grocery shopping in the house). I know what I need to do and I know how to do it. I also told her that I now understand why some cancer patients (including lung cancer) do not quit smoking. I so get that now. I’m not proud of it but it is what it is.

I have to be so careful not to compare myself to others I know who are diabetic. I know some who are soooooo disciplined at everything about it. Leslie reminded me that personality plays into it as well. She also reminded me that I am dealing with pain, depression and perimenopause and encouraged me to look at my diabetes from a daily perspective instead of the big picture. What a great idea! That is how I was taught to deal with my depression too.

After my appointment, I went to buy a Fitbit but the store didn’t have one so they ordered one in for me so it should be here next week. I used to have one and it wore out. I loved it. I was motivated by the numbers. I also plan to take my binder out in the morning and get my butt in gear with some meal and snack planning. Time to reeducate myself, take the bull by the horns, pull up my big girl panties and do what only I can do…and that is take care of me.

I wasn’t planning on getting so personal but there you have it….MOI and my relationship with food!

Happy eating friends!!! I loves you (as I take a drink of my Perrier!)

Day 4: Someone I Have Always Wanted To Meet And…UGH!

You know, I have wracked my brain on this one. You would think since I picked the questions I would pick ones I knew my answer to already. WHAT was I thinking? Lol I will give a shout out to my friend Rosemary in Australia. I would LOVE to meet her and hopefully one day, that will happen. For now though, I am thankful for the interweb so we can stay in touch. I love her muchly!!

There is only one other thing that comes to my mind regarding this, and that is: another question. I LOVE musicals. Right from the time I was a little kid, I always wished that life was like a musical in the sense that we would sing to each other. I know some of you are way better singers than some of us but if it was a “norm” would we even notice that in that respect? I wouldn’t want to take away from amazing singers but it wouldn’t have to. Singing would be talking and better singers could still do it for a living. The only that would change was every once in a while we would break into song. Yes, I’m a dork.

I’m afraid I don’t have tonnes of inspiration today, even to just sit here and write. It’s a beautiful day but I sense depression on my doorstep. I always know when it is there and as it comes closer so I know now is the time to fight it unless  I’m too late and it comes in. Being in a depression state isn’t the worse thing ( anxiety is WAY worse IMHO). Sometimes I even welcome it like an old friend. It’s so weird. I hate depression yet sometimes I love it. I guess in a way it has become natural. It has become a natural state and when I’m not depressed I sometimes am even lost because it feels so unnatural to me. Depression is different for everyone and where some people ( a lot of people actually ) have chosen to poeticize it, I choose not to because I don’t believe depression deserves that. Just because I welcome it ( sometimes )and just because we talk about it more and “accept“ it, I still believe that, like cancer, it isn’t a normal and natural state. We don’t poeticize cancer, in fact, we HATE cancer. I hate depression and in my mind, in my own body, in my own state, I see it as a weakness in me. I don’t feel that way about others, but I see a weakness and fear in me and the result is depression. Friends, this is my personal opinion on my own depression. There is nothing that annoys me more than when I see the lists of things to do “when you are depressed.“ HELLO. Depression takes so much away including a desire to even get better. Even to learn all that ahead of time, it just doesn’t work. The hardest thing to do when you are depressed is to take that “next step.“ But you know what, that is the only thing I can do and sometimes that next step is just getting out of bed.

Anyway, I’m not sure where that came from. I guess I went with it. I have an appointment tomorrow and I imagine I might feel better or worse after it. I will just repeat to myself that I will not judge myself on my health and the things I don’t do right with it. I will just do better next time.

Toodles friends! Have an amazing day! I loves you!

Day 3: Bucket List?

Bucket List? Nope! Don’t have one and don’t want one. I know they are popular to have. I understand there are things that people want to do in their lives before they die or get too old to do them ( or however they see their bucket list). I am kind of boring. I have no desire to travel anywhere really. I am a homebody with anxiety issues. Home is good. Home is safe. Safe is necessary. Even as time goes on and my anxiety gets better, I have grown used to going with the spirit and seeing where I go and where I end up. Whether it be the Dollar store or the Grocery Store…the Hardware Store or the Bakery. Get my drift?

In saying all this, I know that people put more than just travelling on their bucket list. The way I see life right now, is in the moment. Right now, what can I be doing? I have choices to make and I will make them and life will take me to the next step. I guess in a nut shell what my goal in living life is living it so I don’t have regrets. I try to make the right decisions. I know I will make wrong ones but to live in regret is living in the past. I struggle with that as it is.

This is what I wrote in day 2:

God is good and He has me on an amazing journey that will take me places I can’t even dream about. If I can dream about it, I don’t even want to go there which might give you a clue as far as tomorrow goes and my next topic.” hint hint!”

The truth is I quit dreaming several years ago. I was in a bad spot with my depression and things weren’t going so well between my husband and I. His drinking had really drained me and I let it. There is so much more to that and maybe in future blogs I will share more about it. But…nonetheless, I was in a bad place. All I wanted to do was write and I couldn’t even do that. Nothing came and nothing had come for years before that. I knew I wanted to write, but I couldn’t and yet, I still called myself a writer. Cray Cray! I gave up. I gave up my only dream and that was writing. I gave it to God and said, “whatever…do what you want with this. I’m done.” And I quit.

My youngest son has a Bucket List. I think it’s a great idea in many respects. He gets quite excited about it and keeps adding things to it. I would never discourage that, ever. It is also a great way of keeping track of your dreams and hopes (maybe that’s what a Bucket List is). It’s easy to forget some of these things as we go on through life’s journey.

I haven’t started dreaming again yet, but I have started writing and for now, that is all I need for now. For me, they are a “ two in one deal!”

Keep Dreaming Friends! I Loves you!

Day 1: Introduction to the Challenge

Day 1 for Camp NaNoWriMo

For this month I am blogging. My goal is to blog daily for the whole month of April. I also hope to blog at least 500 words per post and I am following a “list” that you can see in this post. 🙂 It is a list that I made up taking ideas off of other lists because to be honest, I love lists! One thing that I do not love though is long blogs so I am curious to see just how long 500 words is. I lose focus easy (  it seems ) so unless I am reading a book, I shy away from blogs that look long. Ok, if there are pictures in it and if I know you or have loved something else you have written, then, I “may” read a long blog. As a rule though, I don’t.

There are a few reasons that I chose to do Camp NaNoWrMo and actually I think that is a question for later in the month but I will share a reason now as well. Feb and March I did monthly Challenges. I did The Minimalism Game. It was good for me to be focused on something like that for the month and that is why I am here. I want to step up my game for writing ( and making sure I write daily). Some days are hard for me to write because of my depression. Even when I have something to say, I just can’t put it on paper ( or my screen). It’s a struggle but it’s life. I am hoping that I will be able to stay focused enough on writing everyday for this challenge that I can break through the depression. That’s my goal anyway.

I was filled with joy weeks ago that my writing seemed to have been revived once I quit Facebook. I am so so happy to say that it is still the case. I have had writers block literally for years. Which brings me up another reason I am here…to celebrate! My time for writing has come. My kids don’t need me hovering over them anymore and well, my husband…he does but one out of three isn’t bad. Lol

Camp NaNoWriMo is an extension from November’s NaNoWriMo. I believe there are two Camps; one in April and one in July. They encourage not only novels but other projects as well. I didn’t see where they had blogging listed but I thought that was what I wanted to do because that is what I am writing right now. It makes sense.

So here I am, Day 1 and almost 500 words ( 441 as of the first bracket). Good to know how long 500 words is. I know I can so this all month and I will, as well as other blogging as I so see fit.

Friends, have a wonderful April 1 ( and that is no joke!)

Do something that excites you today!!!! Make your inner child laugh. I loves you!

What About Me?

I wrote this in November of 2016, a couple weeks or so after we had met Wm. Paul Young (author of The Shack). The anger I talk about here, toward not only Wally, but God as well, happened quite a bit in our marriage and esp the last couple years or so of Wally’s drinking while I was in counseling for depression.

God spoke to me through the testimony of Wm. Paul Young and the music of Alana Levandoski. I have been in an interesting place since Wally quit drinking about a year and half ago. I have been quietly and innerly trying to find healing. I have gone through that process as I have been getting to know my Beautiful and Loving God. There has been much about Him that I have not accepted because I have had a hard time with my journey. One thing that really stands out to me is even when Wally was drinking he always always knew and leaned and prayed to Jesus. He always knew Jesus was love (not saying he knew that God was love, but that is part of the journey we are on together). Anyway, I used to get so mad! I would get mad at God and I would yell at Jesus. I was in my own living hell and here is Wally, drunk as a skunk, loving Jesus and knowing how much he needed Him. I was so jealous. Not jealous of the drinking but of the relationship that Wally had with Jesus. This guy, this f%$#*&g guy, was causing so much grief to me and to my kids. I was so so jealous and I wanted that so bad. I thought my relationship with Jesus was good. I thought He loved me. I thought I loved Him. When the depression hit, all the ideas I ever knew about God and Jesus became null and void. I was useless, broken, unloved and unloveable. That’s all I heard. Any voice of God I heard before….STOPPED. I was done! I was mad, I was angry, I was hopeless and totally helpless. I couldn’t even handle my own life. I quit my relationships with friends and drew away from family. Everything I had ever held truth and close to me became null and void because in my mind and in my heart, they were all lies.
You know, I don’t know why I felt this way. I don’t know what triggered it but all of a sudden all the insecurities I had ever had and ever felt came rushing in all at once and I was overwhelmed and messed up. I had never felt loved in a way that I needed. I don’t even know how that is or why. I was mad at everyone.
I’m glad God meets us where we are at. I Loves you.

Monday Thoughts

 

I find it hard to think rationally through the filter of depression. I know what is right; I know what is Truth; I know what must be done. You know what, though? It doesn’t matter what I know. It just doesn’t work that way. I think knowing makes it harder because then I feel guilty. I’m so annoyed.
I am in the process of renewing my mind. It’s not easy, to say the least. The core to that is knowing who you are in Christ AND believing it. I am still in the “believing” stages and that is what makes fighting depressing so hard.
So, I have my sheets of paper around me to read to try and convince myself that the Truth is actually the Truth. If I ever have grandchildren, they will know from DAY 1 how loved they are by the True and Loving God so they don’t have to figure this out as an adult. So many of us just can’t grasp how true and how loved we are. Oh, Freedom….
Keep Trudging with me, Friends! I Loves you!
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