Day 20: Last Time I Cried

It was two weeks ago at my appointment with the Diabetic Nurse. I was ashamed, embarrassed and felt like a complete failure. Originally when I found out I was diabetic it was all about exercising and eating right. What they failed to tell me was it ain’t easy. At the time I found out I was diabetic I was starting counselling for depression, sick and tired of an alcoholic husband and enabling him and worse of all, found out I was in that “perimenopause” time. UGH! Never mind the fact that I wasn’t active before all this. So then, finding out I was diabetic and gung ho on eating right and walking. I was good for a while. Winter comes ( horrible for depression ), motivations goes, Fitbit breaks. So many excuses and yet, it’s life and it happens.

You know, I am not looking for advice when I share this with you. In fact, I don’t necessarily appreciate it because you don’t know what I have tried and why I haven’t tried something else. It’s one thing to share what has worked for you in similar circumstances and I am all for that so long as it isn’t trying to “fix” me.  My story is more than the surface of what I share here. It goes deep into the whys and hows and there is much healing that needs to take place and is taking place, as I speak. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I have no desire to do anything. That is ok. It’s my story, it’s my life. It’s one of the reasons I quit sharing in the past. Anyway, the truth is, this blog isn’t meant for me to look for answers so much is it is meant for someone who is reading it to know that they are not alone. S$%t happens. Life happens. Sometimes there are answers and sometimes we just have to sit back and wait for it to calm down. And sometimes, that is what our whole life is…back and forth.

We can’t sit in this place for long though. We have to remember the part that life does go on. We need to go on. This moment will fade away into another moment and it may be better. That is why we can’t dwell on the yuckiness we feel. It is only very recently that I can say and truly believe, in the moment, that it will be ok. I will be ok.

So, I cried to Leslie (nurse) and she reassured me that I was doing fine and to make small changes at a time. I left there feeling way better. I bought a new Fitbit and I have been making small changes again. A little bit at a time, I am feeling better. Spring is here and that helps. It’s actually sunny today and I can hear all the birds ( and the cows will soon be here!) and last night I was out with one of our dogs and we listened to the frogs, the night time birds and the coyote puppies. Yes, Spring is here and I am so thankful!

Friend, you are Amazing! There is not enough ANYTHING that can measure up to the Importance and the Worth that you are. I know what it feels to feel less than. It is a daily struggle I have. It needn’t be though and I am in healing. You can be too.

Have a Super Duper Blessed day my Amazing Friend! I loves you!

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Day 6: My Relationship With Food

This is one I was dreading answering especially since I had an appointment yesterday with our local diabetic nurse. She was so sweet and helpful. It isn’t the first time I met her. When I was first diagnosed with type 2 diabetes I went to her and she helped me with what diabetes was and what the numbers meant and put me in contact with the dietitian that’s in the same office. I then called her a few months later and felt like she was brushing me off. It was a few years ago that I learned I was diabetic and I started off really good with learning how to deal with it…how to eat, what to eat, how to exercise and how much and of course checking my sugar. It became such a burden and I would crave sweets and carbs and junk food eat them. I am an emotional eater and I have depression…they do NOT go hand in hand with diabetes. I especially emotional eat when I am all alone (even though I like to be alone). It’s almost like “since no one is here, no one will know” then I wonder why I am sick and why my numbers are high. Unfortunately, the food I choose during these times is not salad or cucumbers (imagine that)! Nope. Chips, chocolate bars and candy, never mind hamburgers, fries and pizza. Ugh. Yes, I even have a junk food stash going sometimes. Last night I threw it out.

I am so filled with guilt because of what I purposely do with my emotional eating AND have diabetes. Seriously though! “Loser city!” I sometimes think. So….I had this appointment today and ever since I made it I wanted to cancel it. My Dr. Suggested that I go and talk to her since my numbers were climbing. I didn’t cancel though because I knew this was a case of doing the opposite of what I wanted. I’m so glad I went.

First of all, I was expecting my numbers to be way high…but they weren’t. They are sneaking up bit by bit so what I needed was to talk and TALK I did. And I cried. I cried for the whole first hour. Not ugly crying, just tears. I hate crying…I totally hate it and see it as a weakness on my part. UGH. I really am so amazed at how hard I am on myself. I would never set these standards for my kids or anyone I loved. I just can’t believe I set them so high for myself. I have tried my whole life to be perfect. I have tried my whole life to be good at something and not just good….PERFECT. It’s crazy really. Back to my appointment. 🙂 Leslie (the nurse) reassured me that I was doing fine and she told me just how NORMAL I was in comparison to other diabetic women that come to see her. I kind of surprised her that I was willing to put all the blame on me (I am in control of my own actions and I do the cooking and grocery shopping in the house). I know what I need to do and I know how to do it. I also told her that I now understand why some cancer patients (including lung cancer) do not quit smoking. I so get that now. I’m not proud of it but it is what it is.

I have to be so careful not to compare myself to others I know who are diabetic. I know some who are soooooo disciplined at everything about it. Leslie reminded me that personality plays into it as well. She also reminded me that I am dealing with pain, depression and perimenopause and encouraged me to look at my diabetes from a daily perspective instead of the big picture. What a great idea! That is how I was taught to deal with my depression too.

After my appointment, I went to buy a Fitbit but the store didn’t have one so they ordered one in for me so it should be here next week. I used to have one and it wore out. I loved it. I was motivated by the numbers. I also plan to take my binder out in the morning and get my butt in gear with some meal and snack planning. Time to reeducate myself, take the bull by the horns, pull up my big girl panties and do what only I can do…and that is take care of me.

I wasn’t planning on getting so personal but there you have it….MOI and my relationship with food!

Happy eating friends!!! I loves you (as I take a drink of my Perrier!)