It’s been years since I have danced. It’s been years since I have wanted to dance. I found myself dancing to a Madonna song this morning after I finished washing my floors and vacuuming. For some reason I felt content and instead of stifling it like I usually do, I went with my feelings. It was fun. My dogs thought I was crazy and luckily my husband is working today and my son is sleeping. Had my son seen me he would have wondered about my sanity. I find myself doing that a lot lately myself ( wondering about my sanity). I am experiencing things and feelings I have never or at least I don’t remember. I think this has to do with hope. Hope for a future that maybe I can be truly happy. It’s a foreign feeling to me but I will go with it and I will look forward to more of it in the future because as I am learning, what and how I think is what will manifest. Exciting times.
I didn’t know what to pick. I have so many. 🙂 I will choose one based on a comment I made at the end of my last post and happiness. One of my worse habits is pushing down my emotions. Truth is, I push them all down whether they are good or bad emotions. It was interesting when I was in counseling, we talked about emotions and I was asked to name some. The only ones I could name were the negative ones. I felt them all the time but the anger I stuffed, as well as any happy emotions. I guess I just didn’t feel worthy of being happy.
I would like to think that this has changed by now but it hasn’t, much. I’m very careful, first of all, about who sees any of my emotions. If I feel unsafe in any way…it’s gone. Pushed deep into me. When I was out walking the other day, it was just my Dukey and I. For that walk I felt so happy and I was tempted to stuff it in, but I didn’t and I was surprised (don’t laugh at me now) that I actually felt happy for a couple hours after. That is not an emotion I am used to at all. I usually stay on a very even keel so I am mediocre or melancholy or angry. I don’t allow myself the in between feelings.
What happens to a person that they don’t allow themselves to feel at all? Why does guilt play so much into it? I know it is a far bigger picture than just not allowing emotions. I know that it goes deep deep into a place that I haven’t explored yet. I also know that time is coming to explore it. It is one of those places I have to go in order to find complete healing. Over the last four years, I have explored many places; many nooks and crannies within myself where I have hidden memories. Some I have been healed of, some I haven’t yet but as I go along this journey, I am learning to offer grace to myself. Meaning, I am allowing myself to take all the time I need for complete healing. @#%t happens that you have no control over and from there life can spiral as you live the only way you know to cope with what has happened. Through that we come up with ways to cope and in that is where we may find some bad habits, hence, mine of stuffing my emotions.
I know this is pretty deep for such a simple question. I am usually like that. 🙂
Well friends, off I go to enjoy this nice day. We have a bunch of snow that is supposed to come Thursday and Friday. Oh the joys of Spring in Alberta! Have a super duper blessed day!
Don’t Worry, Be Happy! I loves you!