It’s been years since I have danced. It’s been years since I have wanted to dance. I found myself dancing to a Madonna song this morning after I finished washing my floors and vacuuming. For some reason I felt content and instead of stifling it like I usually do, I went with my feelings. It was fun. My dogs thought I was crazy and luckily my husband is working today and my son is sleeping. Had my son seen me he would have wondered about my sanity. I find myself doing that a lot lately myself ( wondering about my sanity). I am experiencing things and feelings I have never or at least I don’t remember. I think this has to do with hope. Hope for a future that maybe I can be truly happy. It’s a foreign feeling to me but I will go with it and I will look forward to more of it in the future because as I am learning, what and how I think is what will manifest. Exciting times.
It’s been a long time since I have been good. It’s been a long since I could smile and really mean it. It’s been a long time since I felt I had a reason to live. Now, not because I don’t have a reason to live. I have many reasons to live. I am truly blessed in so many ways. Depression and anxiety have a had a hold on me for a very long time and in recent years it’s been pretty bad. I have had some really bad spells. They do not impress me at all. I don’t share with others. I have a wall, a barrier if you will, that surrounds my soul. No one can get in, not even my husband. I don’t know why I am like that, but I am. I have no energy to desire things and to have passions. I feel nothing most of the time, unless I am having an anxiety episode.
Why am I sharing this now? I don’t know. But I do know, I finally have a sliver of hope. Hope that I might actually get well. Hope, that the second half of century of my life might bring true happiness and that perhaps the fog of depression and anxiety will disperse and for the first time ( that I can ever remember ) I might see life clearly.
This is not only my hope, this is my future. I will own it now!
I had my last visit with our homeschool facilitator,ever. Danny finishes grade 12 in about a month or less. No more prepping for the new year or lesson plans. It’s a strange place to be. There are lots of big changes and I can’t say that I am too thrilled about them. I’m sure they will work out somewhat, but I like to know what’s happening and the result or else I panic. Needless to say, I’m pretty much always in panic mode.
Danny is job hunting. He has put in so many resumes and changed them even a couple times. I sure hope he finds something soon. The future is so bright for him as an 18 year old. He has his whole life ahead of him and I’m so happy for him that he is entering this time of life. He told the facilitator yesterday that he was feeling a little bitter sweet but yeah, so am I. I guess to me that a sign that what we have done together as a teacher/student duo went well and hopefully he won’t have too many bad memories of this time.
I don’t know what’s next for me or for my future but I guess for now, I will enjoy summer and maybe some ideas will show themselves!