Loving Me

Above is a pic of the flowers that are left from the flowers I bought for myself a week and half ago. I have been wanting to buy them for over a year and this is how long it has taken me. I’m so glad I took the plunge. In therapy, I am working through self-criticism and self-hate issues. Knowing what my love language is, is helping me to be nicer and kinder to myself. I don’t think I could have start the journey of self-love without first figuring out why I don’t like myself. That has been another journey and a half but it all makes sense to me now.

This past January ( along with other daily journals I write in) I started something called ” Loving Myself.” Basically, I am cheering myself on and soothing myself when needed. I’m reminding myself who I truly am and that I am indeed worth loving and standing up for. I found myself having to advocate for myself and my importance and worth this week. I was sad and disappointed that I had to do it, especially since it was to someone who is supposed to love me. Nonetheless, I did it because I realize no one else will. I’m glad I did. I hope it worked.

So, do I love myself?

Not yet.

Am I kind to myself?

I‘m not hateful but I have come a long way.

Do I write in my Loving Myself journal everyday?

Yes, but if I can’t think of anything positive to say, I will remind myself that it’s ok.

Will I buy myself more flowers?

You betcha I will! 100%

TTFN

Lex

But I Don’t WANT To Be Healed!!! Mental Health Edition.

Who would ever say that? In fact, we scoff at people who tend to stay in their place of pain and discomfort and say ” they don’t want to get better.” We scoff at people who choose to take medications while AND instead of getting to the issue itself. We seem to scoff at people who choose to deal with their mental health issues different than ourselves. If there is anything I have learned on my own journey is that every person is different, ever circumstance is different and that means that what works for one, may not work for another,

I’m not planning on getting into my issues very deep at this time. I just wanted to say that I can now understand why I stayed in my depression and anxiety for so long without trying to help myself. Counselling really helped me a few years ago, and right now, as the time is right for my healing , I am not only falling back on what I learned then, but I have a couple people who are a huge help to me on the internet. I’ll share more about that another time.

Today’s post is just to say that it was way easier for me to stay in my depression and anxiety than it is now, to find healing from the issues that have caused it. It’s really hard digging into things that I have purposely forgotten about just so I can live. It’s really hard to have the old feelings come up and not know what to do with them. Someone once told me I was lucky to learn about, for instance, changing my bad thoughts of myself into good thoughts of myself. No, I’m not lucky. I’m working fucking hard. I know God is part of this healing journey as well, but at the same time, if you want to heal, you have to make the choice YOURSELF. God will walk any path with you that you choose, even if you aren’t ready to heal. Remember that.

Friends, do I have any regrets in choosing to heal? Some days I do. Some days I totally fail and I just want to forget about it BUT then some days…I win! I feel good. I feel hope. Those are the days I remember when I want to give up.

Keep up friends! Take a day at a time and live your life. As I was reminded today, every hour is a new beginning.

Watch for updates!

TTFN

Quote 002: Hillary McBride

From Twitter

A revolutionary idea:  what if we reject what we think/are told we are supposed to look like and learn to love ourselves as we are?

God Loves You..Yippers He Truly Does!

One of the things that I find so disappointing about Christianity these days is the fact that we are so busy ousting people and working on including people that we aren’t sharing with people who they are and how loved they are. I guess in its own way, inclusion can be considered love. I would put that on the individual person because not everyone and everything promoting inclusion is doing it because they truly love… Having POWER is huge!

Since I have left facebook I have been on twitter and listening to Progressive Christian podcasts. I have enjoyed what I have been learning and a lot of the outrage makes more sense to me but like some of the Conservative Christians who are so angry at the Progressives…some of the Progressives are just as angry at the Conservatives and I personally find that tiresome to read, on both sides ( and friend, I can see and even agree with the outrage on both sides).  I see hate among different kinds of Christians.  It makes me very sad.

One very important thing that I learned in my counselling was that God loves me. It wasn’t said to me as a bible verse or in passing. It was explained to me that He really really LOVES me and if I was the only person on this earth, He would have still died..for just me. When you are in a place that you’ve hit rock bottom. A place that is so dark and all you feel for yourself is hate and contempt…words like that are not easy to hear and definitely not believable. When you hear this every week in counselling and sometimes in a text or two during the week from someone you trust and someone you see living what he is sharing with you…it eventually starts taking possibility in your mind.

Why do I share this? I don’t know. I guess I am looking for something. I guess I am searching for answers. As I write this I wonder to myself “what nerve do I have judging how other people live and explain their journeys? What nerve do I have complaining that I have heard but one person and one podcast episode that address *this? What nerve do I have when I don’t even do it?” It’s easy to complain about not finding something but like the saying goes…and I have said it before as have many others “Be the change you want to see.” Interestingly enough this goes right back to something I have been thinking about the last few days and I started a blog on it. It will be a while until it’s published though. It’s a pretty important one to me that I want to give extra time and care to.

Really though, it comes down to knowing who “YOU” are in Christ and from there the rest will flow. When you know how truly loved you are, to the very core of your soul…when you know that Christ indwells IN YOU…THAT is when you can make the biggest difference. That is when you know what it is like to truly love everyone including those who don’t believe the same way you do. I don’t have it down pat. I don’t think anyone does. I still struggle with self-condemnation and shame. They are the bane of my existence and yet I know they are lies. I know I am truly loved by God for who I am right now. No one can love me like He does. I still struggle when I look at myself in the mirror. I don’t know if I will ever have freedom from these lies and how they make me feel but I know that I have come a very long way in 5 years and I know when I look at others I see them totally different than how I used to. Somehow I can see them through the lens of Christ. I am using my Christ filter. That whole idea that the fruits flow out of us…that the love of God is like a fountain and reaches others…I can see that and I like it. I don’t always know what to do about it. It sucks being an introvert that suffers from massive social anxiety, but I feel that God has a pretty exciting plan for me. I have no idea what it is, but I know it will involve loving others because He First Loved Me.

*You are loved….truly, 100% loved.

Stay tuned as I write more on this. This is what is mulling around in my head so I might as well get it on paper and share. Have a most fantastic weekend friend! I loves you and oh man, God loves you so much more than I can even express to you. Sometimes I feel kind of stupid sharing that because so many Christians do share it, but I mean it from the very pit of my soul where the Christ is in me and I hope that you will hear that from your very soul as well. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Thursday Night Thoughts

Hi, Friend!  I am failing miserably at this whole Joy Dare Thing on here so I will end it for now.  I’m better off stopping now and carrying on rather than beating myself up, which is what I do.  I am just too tired to think.  I haven’t had a decent sleep for weeks ( literally) and depression is at my door the last few days so frankly, all my energy is being used to keep it at bay.  I have never been a good sleeper.  The years that Wally was drinking, I not only didn’t sleep but I had major anxiety too.  I still get night time anxiety but not near as bad as it used to be.  I wonder if this is one of these things that is part of healing?  It seems like it never ends, but freedom is worth fighting for so I keep on keeping on.

I was reading our local obituaries and noticed that a lovely lady that I loved passed away this week.  She was 98 turning 99 in August.  Our birthdays are the same month but she is exactly 50 years older than me.  We celebrated them together two years in a row a few years ago.  It made me kind of sad but it made me remember her too and the time we spent together…going for meals and praying.  She was sweet.  ❤

I guess that’s about it.  I thought I had more to say and maybe I would have if I had written my blog first before listening to an episode of The Inglorious Pasterds. 🙂  Now I am just too bagged.  It is 10:32 and I might just head to bed which is very unusual for me since I don’t usually go to bed until between 12 and 1 am.  I figure there is no point laying in bed staying awake for hours on end.  I have started using oils and night and putting relaxing meditation music on.  Can’t hurt, right?

Good night friend!  I’ll post a couple pics I took last night.  I loves you!