Book I am Reading 002

Bell, Rob. How to Be Here: A Guide to Creating a Life Worth Living (p. 43). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.

 

If you focus on who you aren’t, and what you don’t have, or where you haven’t been, or skills or talents or tools or resources you’re convinced aren’t yours, precious energy will slip through your fingers that you could use to do something with that blinking line.

 

 

 

God Loves You..Yippers He Truly Does!

One of the things that I find so disappointing about Christianity these days is the fact that we are so busy ousting people and working on including people that we aren’t sharing with people who they are and how loved they are. I guess in its own way, inclusion can be considered love. I would put that on the individual person because not everyone and everything promoting inclusion is doing it because they truly love… Having POWER is huge!

Since I have left facebook I have been on twitter and listening to Progressive Christian podcasts. I have enjoyed what I have been learning and a lot of the outrage makes more sense to me but like some of the Conservative Christians who are so angry at the Progressives…some of the Progressives are just as angry at the Conservatives and I personally find that tiresome to read, on both sides ( and friend, I can see and even agree with the outrage on both sides).  I see hate among different kinds of Christians.  It makes me very sad.

One very important thing that I learned in my counselling was that God loves me. It wasn’t said to me as a bible verse or in passing. It was explained to me that He really really LOVES me and if I was the only person on this earth, He would have still died..for just me. When you are in a place that you’ve hit rock bottom. A place that is so dark and all you feel for yourself is hate and contempt…words like that are not easy to hear and definitely not believable. When you hear this every week in counselling and sometimes in a text or two during the week from someone you trust and someone you see living what he is sharing with you…it eventually starts taking possibility in your mind.

Why do I share this? I don’t know. I guess I am looking for something. I guess I am searching for answers. As I write this I wonder to myself “what nerve do I have judging how other people live and explain their journeys? What nerve do I have complaining that I have heard but one person and one podcast episode that address *this? What nerve do I have when I don’t even do it?” It’s easy to complain about not finding something but like the saying goes…and I have said it before as have many others “Be the change you want to see.” Interestingly enough this goes right back to something I have been thinking about the last few days and I started a blog on it. It will be a while until it’s published though. It’s a pretty important one to me that I want to give extra time and care to.

Really though, it comes down to knowing who “YOU” are in Christ and from there the rest will flow. When you know how truly loved you are, to the very core of your soul…when you know that Christ indwells IN YOU…THAT is when you can make the biggest difference. That is when you know what it is like to truly love everyone including those who don’t believe the same way you do. I don’t have it down pat. I don’t think anyone does. I still struggle with self-condemnation and shame. They are the bane of my existence and yet I know they are lies. I know I am truly loved by God for who I am right now. No one can love me like He does. I still struggle when I look at myself in the mirror. I don’t know if I will ever have freedom from these lies and how they make me feel but I know that I have come a very long way in 5 years and I know when I look at others I see them totally different than how I used to. Somehow I can see them through the lens of Christ. I am using my Christ filter. That whole idea that the fruits flow out of us…that the love of God is like a fountain and reaches others…I can see that and I like it. I don’t always know what to do about it. It sucks being an introvert that suffers from massive social anxiety, but I feel that God has a pretty exciting plan for me. I have no idea what it is, but I know it will involve loving others because He First Loved Me.

*You are loved….truly, 100% loved.

Stay tuned as I write more on this. This is what is mulling around in my head so I might as well get it on paper and share. Have a most fantastic weekend friend! I loves you and oh man, God loves you so much more than I can even express to you. Sometimes I feel kind of stupid sharing that because so many Christians do share it, but I mean it from the very pit of my soul where the Christ is in me and I hope that you will hear that from your very soul as well. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Day 28: My Perfect Day

Now I feel like I should make a list of all things that would make my day perfect. Well, if there is one thing that I don’t do, that is answer questions in obvious ways. 🙂 The way I see it, why would I make up my mind today what a perfect day is? My Massey dog has to wear the cone of shame and he keeps trying to scratch him off and I keep having to do it up; my husband is away for the weekend and I am quite dependent on him in a lot of ways…..can today still be a perfect day despite these setbacks for me? If I have a quota, they can’t. If I live in the moment and I try to live out of who I am in Christ, then today can be a perfect day.

I used to try and imagine the perfect day. There were times I would think my perfect day was time away from my kids…that didn’t work. I missed them too much. There were times I would think my perfect day was time away from my whole family. I missed them too much though the times I did do that, they were pretty needed. That didn’t make it a perfect day though.

I’d like to imagine a perfect day in a tiny home, writing. The problem with that is focus ( more like a lack of focus). A full day of writing would not happen here. How about a perfect day being you do whatever you want, whenever you want. That sounds kind of selfish.  I need to take care of someone or something.

What I would like is for today to be my perfect day. The day that I live TODAY. Even if my circumstances SUCK. To some it up for me, a perfect day is a day that I can look back on and say

– I did the best I could with what I had.

– I learned something new today

– I did the next best thing no matter how small it was

– I am alive, therefore my purpose is still alive.

– I am loved!

Do you have a perfect day friend? Never feel bad or selfish because you answer a question different than I do. Remember, this is my blog so I talk a lot about me. It gets kind of old for me. 🙂

Have a super duper perfect day! If you want to read some really great uplifting quotes, google Winnie the Pooh quotes. Oh my heart! I loves you!

I loves you, friend!  ❤

Day 22: Something I Would Like to Change About Myself

This is an easy/hard one. Easy in the sense is there are lots of things and hard in the sense of keeping it down to one and not so many details that I put myself out there too much. I was never good at balance…HEY that is the one I will choose!

If I could change something it would be that I would be more balanced as a whole and in little things. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. Always have been and as I’m getting older I notice that it is in everything. It’s like I do one thing in the moment and my whole life has been and will be affected by it for the rest of my days. If I am not perfect at anything (and actually I am not) my way of looking at that is I am not good at ANYTHING. This lack of balance that I have holds me back from trying new things, meeting new people and well, going out anywhere in general. Lack of balance and anxiety but that is a whole different topic. 🙂 See, told ya. Lots I would like to change.

So, “if I am not perfect at something I am a failure at life.” That is such a horrible mantra but one that I have brought through life. It is only through counselling that I have been made aware of this and I have been trying to deal with it ever since (the last four years or so). I never felt like I was good enough or measured up. I know why I am this way and it is still a struggle but I have learned it is a “LIE” and some things are only in the eyes of the talker. Just because someone sees it this way, doesn’t make it so. But it gets buried into the deepest of hiding places in your soul and festers. It’s tough.

But I do want to say that I have made some headway in this area. I am learning to balance this out in a realistic and truthful manner and that is helping tonnes! I’m still horrible at balance but I guess that will be a life-long struggle, situation to situation.

I will share with you how I am learning the lies of that horrible mantra. I am learning and starting to believe in tiny bits, who I am in Christ and most of all, that I am loved by Him 100%, no matter what. It doesn’t matter what I say or do…nothing I can do can change His amazing love for me. My whole life I felt unloved (not saying I was unloved but I felt I was), not only by God but by friends and family. It had festered so long that I was unlovable, that I was unworthy of anyone’s love including God’s. So now, to discover how wrong I was and not only that, to discover that even though I thought that about God, it doesn’t change how He feels about me. I am not only worthy and lovable…I am WORTHY, VALUED and LOVED! Once I started to grasp this, it made a huge difference in not only how I look at myself but how I look at others! Friend, you are WORTHY, VALUED and LOVED!

Anyway, that is my story and I am sticking to it. 🙂 I don’t want to turn this blog into a religious one but it is important that you know my faith my identity and worth in Christ is the reason I can and do write this blog. I give Him the glory so don’t be surprised if in the future you see me talk about more faith stuff. For now though, my identity in Christ is what is healing me.

Oh friend, I hope you know how much you are loved!!!! I loves you so much!!!

Day 20: Last Time I Cried

It was two weeks ago at my appointment with the Diabetic Nurse. I was ashamed, embarrassed and felt like a complete failure. Originally when I found out I was diabetic it was all about exercising and eating right. What they failed to tell me was it ain’t easy. At the time I found out I was diabetic I was starting counselling for depression, sick and tired of an alcoholic husband and enabling him and worse of all, found out I was in that “perimenopause” time. UGH! Never mind the fact that I wasn’t active before all this. So then, finding out I was diabetic and gung ho on eating right and walking. I was good for a while. Winter comes ( horrible for depression ), motivations goes, Fitbit breaks. So many excuses and yet, it’s life and it happens.

You know, I am not looking for advice when I share this with you. In fact, I don’t necessarily appreciate it because you don’t know what I have tried and why I haven’t tried something else. It’s one thing to share what has worked for you in similar circumstances and I am all for that so long as it isn’t trying to “fix” me.  My story is more than the surface of what I share here. It goes deep into the whys and hows and there is much healing that needs to take place and is taking place, as I speak. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I have no desire to do anything. That is ok. It’s my story, it’s my life. It’s one of the reasons I quit sharing in the past. Anyway, the truth is, this blog isn’t meant for me to look for answers so much is it is meant for someone who is reading it to know that they are not alone. S$%t happens. Life happens. Sometimes there are answers and sometimes we just have to sit back and wait for it to calm down. And sometimes, that is what our whole life is…back and forth.

We can’t sit in this place for long though. We have to remember the part that life does go on. We need to go on. This moment will fade away into another moment and it may be better. That is why we can’t dwell on the yuckiness we feel. It is only very recently that I can say and truly believe, in the moment, that it will be ok. I will be ok.

So, I cried to Leslie (nurse) and she reassured me that I was doing fine and to make small changes at a time. I left there feeling way better. I bought a new Fitbit and I have been making small changes again. A little bit at a time, I am feeling better. Spring is here and that helps. It’s actually sunny today and I can hear all the birds ( and the cows will soon be here!) and last night I was out with one of our dogs and we listened to the frogs, the night time birds and the coyote puppies. Yes, Spring is here and I am so thankful!

Friend, you are Amazing! There is not enough ANYTHING that can measure up to the Importance and the Worth that you are. I know what it feels to feel less than. It is a daily struggle I have. It needn’t be though and I am in healing. You can be too.

Have a Super Duper Blessed day my Amazing Friend! I loves you!

Day 13: Why Do I Blog

Why do I blog? I started in 2007 or 2008. I actually don’t remember why I started blogging but I do remember why I stopped blogging. Facebook.

First of all, I was on it too much to even take time out to write. The times I did take time out I didn’t have anything to say or I would be drawn back in. I guess it isn’t Facebook (itself) fault as much as it was my fault and the way I saw, used and was affected by it.

I think in the beginning I just wanted to write and share. I have always liked writing and what a fine way to portray that; to act that out, than to have a blog. I never had a huge following but I thought what I had to say had some merit. In the years since I started one that whole merit thingy idea has fluctuated, depending on where I was in life and what was going on and where I was with my depression.

I never went longer than a few months without blogging but I definitely didn’t do much in the last few years. There was something almost therapeutic when I deleted my Laundry Queen Blog and started this one. It was like a new beginning to me. I am in a new and different place in life now so it seemed like a change was necessary PLUS my title came from all the laundry I had to do with our family of four, now I only do it for my husband and me. KA CHING! THAT is another perk of your kids growing up! 🙂

I call myself a writer because I write, not because of the way I write. I tend to compare myself to others and I see such professionalism in the way some people write. I write the way I talk and think. If I was to write down my thoughts, well, I guess I am. 🙂 These are the same words I think. Interestingly enough, my son writes the same way. I was I little concerned when we sent our homeschool facilitator his short story. I thought it was fantastic, quite outstanding actually. When we handed it in I was thinking of some writing projects I did in grade 12 that weren’t that well accepted because of the style. My teacher did comment though that I was a good writer with a good imagination (though, I haven’t done much writing in fiction since). Anyway, our facilitator loved my son’s story. He was thrilled.

I blog now because I love to write.

I blog now because the words are coming and I want to type them while I can and while they are there. I blog now because it brings me joy and makes me happy.

I blog now because this is the first time in years and years and years that I have felt this good and I want to take advantage of every moment that I have.

I blog now because I am doing something for me; something therapeutic that is bringing healing to my life and I know I still have a ways to go to complete healing, but in that process, I have found something that I had never had before and that is a piece of who Alexis truly is.

That is why I blog.

All the Glory goes to God ❤

Have a Terrific Thursday! I loves you!