Just Thinking

I keep a few different kinds of journals. One journal I have is write a good thing about me in it, everyday. I was going through it and noticed that the days I got lots of stuff done I praised myself and the days I didn’t get much done I would say things like “forgive yourself” or “go easy on you” I noticed a trend. As someone who doesn’t work outside the home I feel like my house needs to be perfect and I need to get all my baking done and everyone needs to be catered to. It’s as if, I punish myself if I stop for a few minutes. My depression and anxiety work against the way I believe I should be. Sometimes I’m just not able to do what I want to do or what what I feel I should do and it just adds on to how shitty I feel about myself. I’m coming out of a long depression ( the longest in a few years anyway) and I’m concerned about what happens when it hits again, but I digress. My goal for February in my “Love myself” journal is to say nice things about myself NOT based on what I do, but who I am as a human.

Going back to another thought about my depression (and anxiety). I have therapy in just over a week so I will talk to Jeremy about stopping therapy ( I’ll probably do 1 more session after my next one ) and make plans for how to deal with life when it gets tough or my depression and anxiety hit. The therapist I am seeing is not meant for long term therapy though I have been seeing him for just over 3 years. I quit once for 5 months but then my dog died and Danny went off to college in Texas and I pretty much died inside. So, my plan is to come up with personal toolkits, for both depression and anxiety (which I live with daily). I want to make quick action plans, long-term plans for taking care of myself and a longer one for different options. I think I can do this now. I can’t plan it while I live in my depression. My brain is too bat shit crazy but I feel now, I’m seeing clearer and thinking clearer. I’m going to start with a daily plan, day to day tools that keep me grounded.

I’ll stop here for now. I’ll be back in a few days maybe. I want to talk about my experience taking three courses in 1 week.

Lex

Monday Morning

I’m not feeling too bad this morning. It feels like this bout of depression is starting to lift. I’m so grateful for that. At the moment we have a electrician working on getting more power into the barn, so as I write this, we have no power. I’m pretty tired today. I didn’t sleep too good ( which is pretty normal). My best nights are sleep are when I medicate myself, which I didn’t do last night. I did sleep 11 hours the night before though.

I don’t have much I have to do today. I will go for a walk though. I am very much sedentary. It’s so unhealthy and I know I’m setting myself up for failure. As for today though, I will go for a walk. My husband plowed me a great little path so I’ll see what dogs would like to come with me. I’m also working on a writing project. I just started it and I have a bit of an outline so I will get a good start on that today too.

I’ll sign off now so I can go for a walk. L

This Could Be a Trigger ( Food Binging )

Ugh! I feel like crap! We just had supper. Spaghetti. Truth is, I really wasn’t hungry. I went on a food binge the 1/2 hour before supper. I feel so ashamed of myself and it makes me hate myself. As I’m binging, I know it isn’t right. Sometimes I can back off from it but sometimes it’s like it was today and nope, I kept on going. Now to treat myself kindly and move on from this. That’s easy enough. NOPE! When I feel the way I do atm, food is a place I will turn. Since I feel like shit, chances are I will beat myself up. But maybe I won’t this time. Maybe I will try and let it go. Maybe journaling about it will help. I have the tools, but in the moments, it’s so hard to put them into play. I forget them. This girl needs a tool box. Gonna make that a goal this month, start my mental health toolbox.

L

My Journal

I’m going to do an experiment and use this blog as a journal. There will be some cursing. There will be some dark stuff. It was a suggestion of my therapist as a way to get things out. I have a fear of writing it in a note book in case they are found. You would think putting in on the world wide web would be worse but I’m pretty sure (i hope) those closest to me can not find it. Why am I so afraid of my family knowing my true thoughts? Maybe because of perfection and in some ways, control? Maybe they will see the real me and be disappointed? There is a lot more I can probably think of that will come later.

Today’s thought: I had therapy yesterday and I was talking about the need to get out of my head. You know that feeling that makes you think you losing your mind? He asked me how much idle time I have on my hands. A lot! Especially since I have been in my latest depression state for over two months with no breaks. The question I am going to ponder today and work through is how the fuck am I supposed to be “NOT” idle when my depression says to “BE” idle. The fight against depression is so hard somedays. My house needs to be cleaned, I have cooking and baking to do, I need to shower, I need to take my Christmas decos down etc etc. I can only put this stuff off for so long. I am motivated by my guilt a lot of time and the protection of myself. I don’t feel safe sharing my depression with others. That’s a whole other entry though. I’m going to sign off here for now and see if I can get some shit done.

L

Still Devastated

I’ve been off Twitter just over a month. I just logged in to check it out and maybe go back. Right away panic set in and a little panic attack ensued. After scrolling about 5 minutes I posted and then logged off. Here’s what I posted:

“OMG I was here 5 minutes and the panic is back again. Going off Twitter one more month and if the same thing happens I’m deleting. Truth is, Twitter reminds me too much of my friend and Life Coach Steve and I’m still reeling from his death

. See ya later, alligators.

As I said in the tweet, I’m still reeling from Steve’s death. He died by suicide. He is so missed. Maybe I’ll start blogging here again. We’ll see.

TTFN

Lex

PS: I’m ok

It’s a Start

Is this thinking positive?

Today has been the craziest day and it’s only 1:30. My dog ran after a vehicle going into the pasture today. I’m always concerned she will annoy the cows. I ran after her, and she DID not annoy any cows.

My dog also saw a skunk for the first time today and chased it to the end of our driveway, right to the road. The skunk hid out in the drain pipe. She did NOT go on the road and get run over and she did NOT get sprayed with a skunk. I, on the other hand, almost died running after her…and might I add, I was still in my pajamas with a heavy coat over it ( it’s like 22 degrees Celsius, very warm out) because it was the closest coat I could find, carrying a container of dog treats to bribe her.

I’m doing laundry today. Four loads. I can finally rest, somewhat. You see, if I don’t turn the water off on the washing machine, we will have a flood and crazy enough, it has happened a number of times. The last one was about a month ago and it was the worse flood ever. I am happy to say, there was NO flood today! The last load is on the last cycle.

I could say, this has been the worse day ever…the worse day of my week. Sometimes, when you have anxiety and depression, it doesn’t take much to make it the “worse” day. But today, when it seemed like the worse day, really, the worse that could happen, did NOT happen. Fergie ( our precious Princess of a dog), did NOT annoy the cows or the landlord, she did NOT get sprayed by the skunk or go on the road and I did NOT have a flood. On the other hand, I did look ridiculous.

Truly then, I will consider today and win! See you later, while I go fold laundry!

TTFN

Day 9: Camp NaNoWriMo

Another day in paradise. What a day it has been so far. Whether I was cleaning up after my senior cat who decided to pee all over a garbage bag in my office, all the way to cleaning up the laundry room because I didn’t get to the washing machine soon enough to shut off the water, I am here and I am kind of even calm. Ok, maybe my husband would disagree when he heard how I reacted when I discovered the cat pee, while he was trying to nap before going back to work. But I got over it. I cleaned everything up. I have a very clean laundry room floor and my office floor is very clean as well. What did I learn? The same thing I always learn ( then seemingly forget ) when my laundry room floods: I am a horrible mulitasker. I remember having a conversation with some friends years ago and we were talking about how women are great multitaskers and how men are not. They have one compartment in the their brain and women have many…whatever that means. Even back then, I wasn’t able to multitask. What is multitasking anyway? Yes, I listen to podcasts and cook/bake/clean at the same time….BUT when my washing machine is on, I need to turn the podcast off until I turn the water off. Yes, it’s broken that way but is usable. Today I got totally distracted. The cat was meowing and I didn’t know why, I was sweeping the kitchen floor, Wally was on on his way home for lunch…yep. Water all over laundry room floor. BUT here I am. I survived it and I won’t talk about it again until next time it happens. 🙂 None of this is a big deal, but it’s my world.

I would say I’m done with my self care series. Maybe next week I will share some netflix shows I watch to “get away” from it all. Some of the shows I have seen many many times.

It’s one of those days I’m really not into writing. I’m so tired today and would like to have a nap. I just might lay down for half an hour. I’m so tired of the political talk on line as well, whether it’s American, Canadian and since we have an election coming up in Alberta, Provincial. Oh man, I’m amazed at the ugliness of people. It’s so disheartening sometimes. Stay off comments at news sites as well. You know that saying, just because you think it, doesn’t mean you have to say it. Jeepers.

Anyway, I’m just rambling now. I’m out of here and maybe tomorrow I will have some more exciting stuff to share. Lol Be well friends!

Alexis

Laughter Recharges Me: Steve Austin