I’ve been off Twitter just over a month. I just logged in to check it out and maybe go back. Right away panic set in and a little panic attack ensued. After scrolling about 5 minutes I posted and then logged off. Here’s what I posted:
“OMG I was here 5 minutes and the panic is back again. Going off Twitter one more month and if the same thing happens I’m deleting. Truth is, Twitter reminds me too much of my friend and Life Coach Steve and I’m still reeling from his death
. See ya later, alligators.
As I said in the tweet, I’m still reeling from Steve’s death. He died by suicide. He is so missed. Maybe I’ll start blogging here again. We’ll see.
Today has been the craziest day and it’s only 1:30. My dog ran after a vehicle going into the pasture today. I’m always concerned she will annoy the cows. I ran after her, and she DID not annoy any cows.
My dog also saw a skunk for the first time today and chased it to the end of our driveway, right to the road. The skunk hid out in the drain pipe. She did NOT go on the road and get run over and she did NOT get sprayed with a skunk. I, on the other hand, almost died running after her…and might I add, I was still in my pajamas with a heavy coat over it ( it’s like 22 degrees Celsius, very warm out) because it was the closest coat I could find, carrying a container of dog treats to bribe her.
I’m doing laundry today. Four loads. I can finally rest, somewhat. You see, if I don’t turn the water off on the washing machine, we will have a flood and crazy enough, it has happened a number of times. The last one was about a month ago and it was the worse flood ever. I am happy to say, there was NO flood today! The last load is on the last cycle.
I could say, this has been the worse day ever…the worse day of my week. Sometimes, when you have anxiety and depression, it doesn’t take much to make it the “worse” day. But today, when it seemed like the worse day, really, the worse that could happen, did NOT happen. Fergie ( our precious Princess of a dog), did NOT annoy the cows or the landlord, she did NOT get sprayed by the skunk or go on the road and I did NOT have a flood. On the other hand, I did look ridiculous.
Truly then, I will consider today and win! See you later, while I go fold laundry!
Another day in paradise. What a day it has been so far. Whether I was cleaning up after my senior cat who decided to pee all over a garbage bag in my office, all the way to cleaning up the laundry room because I didn’t get to the washing machine soon enough to shut off the water, I am here and I am kind of even calm. Ok, maybe my husband would disagree when he heard how I reacted when I discovered the cat pee, while he was trying to nap before going back to work. But I got over it. I cleaned everything up. I have a very clean laundry room floor and my office floor is very clean as well. What did I learn? The same thing I always learn ( then seemingly forget ) when my laundry room floods: I am a horrible mulitasker. I remember having a conversation with some friends years ago and we were talking about how women are great multitaskers and how men are not. They have one compartment in the their brain and women have many…whatever that means. Even back then, I wasn’t able to multitask. What is multitasking anyway? Yes, I listen to podcasts and cook/bake/clean at the same time….BUT when my washing machine is on, I need to turn the podcast off until I turn the water off. Yes, it’s broken that way but is usable. Today I got totally distracted. The cat was meowing and I didn’t know why, I was sweeping the kitchen floor, Wally was on on his way home for lunch…yep. Water all over laundry room floor. BUT here I am. I survived it and I won’t talk about it again until next time it happens. 🙂 None of this is a big deal, but it’s my world.
I would say I’m
done with my self care series. Maybe next week I will share some
netflix shows I watch to “get away” from it all. Some of the
shows I have seen many many times.
It’s one of those
days I’m really not into writing. I’m so tired today and would
like to have a nap. I just might lay down for half an hour. I’m
so tired of the political talk on line as well, whether it’s
American, Canadian and since we have an election coming up in
Alberta, Provincial. Oh man, I’m amazed at the ugliness of people.
It’s so disheartening sometimes. Stay off comments at news sites
as well. You know that saying, just because you think it, doesn’t
mean you have to say it. Jeepers.
Anyway, I’m just
rambling now. I’m out of here and maybe tomorrow I will have some
more exciting stuff to share. Lol Be well friends!
Day 2 and already, I don’t have much to say. That’s why a plan is always good. I’m feeling on the blah side so that doesn’t help. We did get out and about today. Wally found some tires so he can smear the horse poop in the pasture so he will pick them up tomorrow AND we found a great place for Bubble Tea. It was so good and I’m looking forward to trying different flavors. We discovered Bubble Tea in Winnipeg. I had had it before but it was a long time ago and I was pleasantly surprised Wally liked it so much too.
The farrier is coming next week to trim Daisy’s hooves. I’m pretty sure she will have to go in the Jenny Craig pen. It’s so funny because that is what they call it around here when your horse is a little to heavy and you need to limit what she eats, whether it’s the hay and oats/barley or the grass. Someone got a little too spoiled over the winter months and ate too much delicious hay. Sounds like most humans I know. Lol We love our farrier. She has been so patient with us as we have learned more about Daisy. Trish (our farrier) actually taught Wally how to bridle up Daisy and ride her. It’s still weird to me that we have a horse. Daisy is blind in one eye and we are considering getting her a donkey to keep her company. We have some research to do before that happens though.
I think I might get some information together and share what kind of self-care I am doing. Surely no one cares, but it is something to write about, right? One thing I do everyday are Affirmations. I have a new one everyday and at the end of these blogs I will share them with you. I have been doing this since January using it along with my gratitude journal. I will share more about this tomorrow though.
Sorry for the boring blog. Lol I’m sure there will be more like this but hopefully some will be exciting. Have a super evening friends! Love to you all!
Today is the first day of camp NaNoWriMo. My plan is to blog everyday and I made a list of questions as an outline to follow. Ugh. I’m not really happy with the questions as of today, so I will have to try to come with some different ones. I guess I can do some writing prompts or I can just ad-lib as I go. I’ll try that today!
I’m so happy we are now in April. Spring is here with some snow every once in a while. That is Alberta living. One way we know it is Spring, are the bees. We live across the street from a bee farm. They put the hives out around this time of year(a couple days ago). Within a half an hour some had made their way over here already. They like to hang out at out back deck where the sun shines the most. They are still sleepy and slow and are quite annoying. By the time it gets warmer out, they are usually gone and then back again in the Fall when it is getting cooler and they need out nice warm deck again.
Another way Spring showed it’s arrival was seeing a moose out in the field enjoying some grubs. Daisy, our horse, was pretty worked up. The moose wasn’t too far from her. We do have moose living in the our bushes but we don’t see them that much so it was so cool to see one this year. I hope we see more. I would love to see a baby moose.
Spring mud. Not my favorite thing. We have three dogs. I was able to find something to block them from coming into the kitchen and just hang out in the porch until their feet are dry. I hate mopping the floor several times a day because of mud. I realize it’s part of season but like I said, with dogs…ANNOYING!
One thing I love about Spring is that it seems so new. The growth of new life, whether it’s the new grass coming up or buds on the trees to hearing the baby coyotes at night and seeing other baby wildlife if they dare show themselves. I’ve always seen Spring as a time for introspection for myself too. It’s kind of cool that at the start of this month the course I will be taking at Catching Your Breath Academy is called Serenity, Self-Care and Self-Compassion. Last month’s course was pretty heavy and it was called Taking the Gloves Off: Learning to Fight Fear, Shame and Guilt. I was triggered pretty bad through it but I made it through to the other side and achieved some pretty amazing feats because of it. Maybe someday I will share. New life reminds me of being good to myself, to be gentle with myself. If you are anything like me, I tend to me my own worse critic. I’m learning though to change my thoughts and to see the truth for what it is, rather than allow the recording in my head from things gone by to control me. It’s really hard work being intentional about healing. Some days you may find that you just can’t do it. I allow that now, without feeling guilty, but I don’t allow myself to live in it. So much of my time has been wasted with anxiety and depression. I choose healing and I choose it without medication. For me, that is what is best, otherwise I won’t work through my issues. I know myself pretty well.
All this to say,
Spring is here and I’m very happy about it.
Time Alone Encourages Me To Listen To My Inner Voice: Steve Austin
The Story: She was in the shower listening to a podcast. She couldn’t tell how loud it was, she was in the shower. She hears dogs barking and she hears her husband yelling, assuming, at the dogs. Next think you know the bathroom door opens...YOU ARE IN THERE? Yes I am. DIDN’T YOU HEAR ANYTHING? I heard dogs barking. I WAS YELLING AT YOU FROM THE COUCH. Door slams. Another Door slams. She finishes her shower, thinking about what had just happened. “What the hell did I do?” she asks herself. Now she’s mad realizing that her husband was yelling at her from the couch like she was a dog or something. She comes out of the shower. What the hell what that about? Your speaker was too loud. It’s ok now though, it’s good now. You had no right yelling at me from the couch. You could have come and asked me to turn it down. Yes. I know.She fumes in hatred of herself because she didn’t say more. She goes over and over in her mind “should I apologize for having it too loud?” But the other voice in her head says, “no. You didn’t do anything wrong”. The energy is heavy. Forgiveness must happen on her part or she will fume all week about it. He was a fucking jerk but she is considering apologizing. She is worth more than that. Forgiveness is a must, to get over the anger toward him, but apologizing…no. I don’t blame her one bit.
story pissed me off because it very much could have been my household
and I would have reacted exactly the same way. How do you come out
of a space of self hate and
to a place of truly believing you are worth standing up for? THAT my
friends, is the journey I am on.
I am part of an online group where we are learning some new stuff. It’s growing daily and people are so excited. I notice how people react to new ideas ( that they like ), a good day, something exciting happening, a new movie out they’ve been dying to see…..you get the drift. Name anything you are excited about and react to it.
Now, how do I react? When people are happy, I am happy for them. I have no issues with the way people react to being happy and excited. My issue is how I react and I right off the bat I compare myself to them. This can have two consequences ( as I see it ). First of all, I can look at them and sneer in my mind. I can criticize them and hurt them, all the time realizing that it’s wrong. Second, I can criticize myself. I am not a huge reactor to things. I don’t even know if I used to be, but I do know that I am not anymore…..on the outside anyway.
What usually happens is I decide to criticize myself and that is why I am writing this blog. I am doing it right now. I know it’s wrong. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know all those things. I do believe if I was more of a reactor I would fit in better, but it just isn’t me and I choose to be me even if I am hurtful toward me.
I share all this to say I’m getting better. I am a supersenstive introvert. I took the Ennegram and I am a 5 (whatever that means). I remember years ago the family went on a mission trip to Mexico. My husband was the bus driver and he was able to take us all. I decided since these were people I had never met before I would try and act like my husband, who is an extroverted talker. I lasted 5 minutes ( maybe not even ). I’ll be honest and say I thought I was over this but apparently I am not.
I don’t have the energy to be someone else. Its too hard both mentally and physically. As an introvert my mind and thoughts are tiring enough never mind adding more to it. So what do I do? I guess I continue to learn about and love myself. I continue to be me and not only that, be happy and content with who I am because of the image I was made as….An ALL Loving God.
I will get this and I will not be so hard on myself. I got this!
Anyone else have this issue? I’d love to hear your story.