Day 2: Camp NaNoWriMo

Day 2 and already, I don’t have much to say. That’s why a plan is always good. I’m feeling on the blah side so that doesn’t help. We did get out and about today. Wally found some tires so he can smear the horse poop in the pasture so he will pick them up tomorrow AND we found a great place for Bubble Tea. It was so good and I’m looking forward to trying different flavors. We discovered Bubble Tea in Winnipeg. I had had it before but it was a long time ago and I was pleasantly surprised Wally liked it so much too.

The farrier is coming next week to trim Daisy’s hooves. I’m pretty sure she will have to go in the Jenny Craig pen. It’s so funny because that is what they call it around here when your horse is a little to heavy and you need to limit what she eats, whether it’s the hay and oats/barley or the grass. Someone got a little too spoiled over the winter months and ate too much delicious hay. Sounds like most humans I know. Lol We love our farrier. She has been so patient with us as we have learned more about Daisy. Trish (our farrier) actually taught Wally how to bridle up Daisy and ride her. It’s still weird to me that we have a horse. Daisy is blind in one eye and we are considering getting her a donkey to keep her company. We have some research to do before that happens though.

I think I might get some information together and share what kind of self-care I am doing. Surely no one cares, but it is something to write about, right? One thing I do everyday are Affirmations. I have a new one everyday and at the end of these blogs I will share them with you. I have been doing this since January using it along with my gratitude journal. I will share more about this tomorrow though.

Sorry for the boring blog. Lol I’m sure there will be more like this but hopefully some will be exciting. Have a super evening friends! Love to you all!

Alexis

Peace Reigns in My Heart : Steve Austin

Day 1: Camp NaNoWriMo

Today is the first day of camp NaNoWriMo. My plan is to blog everyday and I made a list of questions as an outline to follow. Ugh. I’m not really happy with the questions as of today, so I will have to try to come with some different ones. I guess I can do some writing prompts or I can just ad-lib as I go. I’ll try that today!

I’m so happy we are now in April. Spring is here with some snow every once in a while. That is Alberta living. One way we know it is Spring, are the bees. We live across the street from a bee farm. They put the hives out around this time of year(a couple days ago). Within a half an hour some had made their way over here already. They like to hang out at out back deck where the sun shines the most. They are still sleepy and slow and are quite annoying. By the time it gets warmer out, they are usually gone and then back again in the Fall when it is getting cooler and they need out nice warm deck again.

Another way Spring showed it’s arrival was seeing a moose out in the field enjoying some grubs. Daisy, our horse, was pretty worked up. The moose wasn’t too far from her. We do have moose living in the our bushes but we don’t see them that much so it was so cool to see one this year. I hope we see more. I would love to see a baby moose.

Spring mud. Not my favorite thing. We have three dogs. I was able to find something to block them from coming into the kitchen and just hang out in the porch until their feet are dry. I hate mopping the floor several times a day because of mud. I realize it’s part of season but like I said, with dogs…ANNOYING!

One thing I love about Spring is that it seems so new. The growth of new life, whether it’s the new grass coming up or buds on the trees to hearing the baby coyotes at night and seeing other baby wildlife if they dare show themselves. I’ve always seen Spring as a time for introspection for myself too. It’s kind of cool that at the start of this month the course I will be taking at Catching Your Breath Academy is called Serenity, Self-Care and Self-Compassion. Last month’s course was pretty heavy and it was called Taking the Gloves Off: Learning to Fight Fear, Shame and Guilt. I was triggered pretty bad through it but I made it through to the other side and achieved some pretty amazing feats because of it. Maybe someday I will share. New life reminds me of being good to myself, to be gentle with myself. If you are anything like me, I tend to me my own worse critic. I’m learning though to change my thoughts and to see the truth for what it is, rather than allow the recording in my head from things gone by to control me. It’s really hard work being intentional about healing. Some days you may find that you just can’t do it. I allow that now, without feeling guilty, but I don’t allow myself to live in it. So much of my time has been wasted with anxiety and depression. I choose healing and I choose it without medication. For me, that is what is best, otherwise I won’t work through my issues. I know myself pretty well.

All this to say, Spring is here and I’m very happy about it.

ttfn

Alexis

Time Alone Encourages Me To Listen To My Inner Voice: Steve Austin

You Are Worth Standing Up For

The Story: She was in the shower listening to a podcast. She couldn’t tell how loud it was, she was in the shower. She hears dogs barking and she hears her husband yelling, assuming, at the dogs. Next think you know the bathroom door opens...YOU ARE IN THERE? Yes I am. DIDN’T YOU HEAR ANYTHING? I heard dogs barking. I WAS YELLING AT YOU FROM THE COUCH. Door slams. Another Door slams. She finishes her shower, thinking about what had just happened. “What the hell did I do?” she asks herself. Now she’s mad realizing that her husband was yelling at her from the couch like she was a dog or something. She comes out of the shower. What the hell what that about? Your speaker was too loud. It’s ok now though, it’s good now. You had no right yelling at me from the couch. You could have come and asked me to turn it down. Yes. I know. She fumes in hatred of herself because she didn’t say more. She goes over and over in her mind “should I apologize for having it too loud?” But the other voice in her head says, “no. You didn’t do anything wrong”. The energy is heavy. Forgiveness must happen on her part or she will fume all week about it. He was a fucking jerk but she is considering apologizing. She is worth more than that. Forgiveness is a must, to get over the anger toward him, but apologizing…no. I don’t blame her one bit.

This story pissed me off because it very much could have been my household and I would have reacted exactly the same way. How do you come out of a space of self hate and worthlessness to a place of truly believing you are worth standing up for? THAT my friends, is the journey I am on.

Tough Stuff!

TTFN

Comparing Myself

Something to think about: Comparing Myself

I am part of an online group where we are learning some new stuff. It’s growing daily and people are so excited. I notice how people react to new ideas ( that they like ), a good day, something exciting happening, a new movie out they’ve been dying to see…..you get the drift. Name anything you are excited about and react to it.

Now, how do I react? When people are happy, I am happy for them. I have no issues with the way people react to being happy and excited. My issue is how I react and I right off the bat I compare myself to them. This can have two consequences ( as I see it ). First of all, I can look at them and sneer in my mind. I can criticize them and hurt them, all the time realizing that it’s wrong. Second, I can criticize myself. I am not a huge reactor to things. I don’t even know if I used to be, but I do know that I am not anymore…..on the outside anyway.

What usually happens is I decide to criticize myself and that is why I am writing this blog. I am doing it right now. I know it’s wrong. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know all those things. I do believe if I was more of a reactor I would fit in better, but it just isn’t me and I choose to be me even if I am hurtful toward me.

I share all this to say I’m getting better. I am a supersenstive introvert. I took the Ennegram and I am a 5 (whatever that means). I remember years ago the family went on a mission trip to Mexico. My husband was the bus driver and he was able to take us all. I decided since these were people I had never met before I would try and act like my husband, who is an extroverted talker. I lasted 5 minutes ( maybe not even ). I’ll be honest and say I thought I was over this but apparently I am not.

I don’t have the energy to be someone else. Its too hard both mentally and physically. As an introvert my mind and thoughts are tiring enough never mind adding more to it. So what do I do? I guess I continue to learn about and love myself. I continue to be me and not only that, be happy and content with who I am because of the image I was made as….An ALL Loving God.

I will get this and I will not be so hard on myself. I got this!

TTFN

Anyone else have this issue? I’d love to hear your story.

Today I Dance

It’s been years since I have danced.  It’s been years since I have wanted to dance. I found myself dancing to a Madonna song this morning after I finished washing my floors and vacuuming.  For some reason I felt content and instead of stifling it like I usually do, I went with my feelings. It was fun.  My dogs thought I was crazy and luckily my husband is working today and my son is sleeping.  Had my son seen me he would have wondered about my sanity.  I find myself doing that a lot lately myself ( wondering about my sanity).  I am experiencing things and feelings I have never or at least I don’t remember.  I think this has to do with hope.  Hope for a future that maybe I can be truly happy.  It’s a foreign feeling to me but I will go with it and I will look forward to more of it in the future because as I am learning, what and how I think is what will manifest.  Exciting times.

TTFN

Something is Brewing

It’s been a long time since I have been good.  It’s been a long since I could smile and really mean it.  It’s been a long time since I felt I had a reason to live.  Now, not because I don’t have a reason to live.  I have many reasons to live.  I am truly blessed in so many ways. Depression and anxiety have a had a hold on me for a very long time and in recent years it’s been pretty bad.  I have had some really bad spells.  They do not impress me at all.  I don’t share with others.  I have a wall, a barrier if you will, that surrounds my soul.  No one can get in, not even my husband. I don’t know why I am like that, but I am.  I have no energy to desire things and to have passions. I feel nothing most of the time, unless I am having an anxiety episode.

Why am I sharing this now?  I don’t know. But I do know, I finally have a sliver of hope.  Hope that I might actually get well.  Hope, that the second half of century of my life might bring true happiness and that perhaps the fog of depression and anxiety will disperse and for the first time ( that I can ever remember ) I might see life clearly.

This is not only my hope, this is my future.  I will own it now!

TTFN

 

Panic Attack in the Public Washroom

I know it’s been a while since I posted and I know this may be a weird topic to write about but it’s too many words for Twitter.

We were in Red Deer to go to an appt. ( one that was causing me a little anxiety, I might add) and since were were early decided to stop at a popular cafe/restaurant for coffee and the washroom.  I was sitting, like I usually do and someone turned on the dryer to dry their hands.  OMG!!!  It was SO loud!!  We have one of those in Lacombe, that I know of, that I try to avoid using that washroom unless I mentally prepare myself.  I was FREAKING out!  I just wanted to cover my years and scream and I will admit, I came close to doing so.

I googled when I got home and I guess this is a thing but it doesn’t seem to be talked about, or maybe too common.  More so with kids, it seems.  I really do hate loud sounds, including music, which makes life tough sometimes when you live with people that LOVE loud sounds and music.  If I know it’s coming I can prepare myself and be ready and it’s not so bad.  Just freaking tell me!

I am still shaking and freaked out .  I don’t know if there is a way to deal with this.  I guess it’s not common enough to post a sign in the washroom.  That’s one place I won’t be going into again.  I hope the whole chain doesn’t go that way.

I’m curious if anyone else has this issue.  Am I once again…..abnormal?

Have a great day friends.

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