I had to stop and cry in the middle of cutting vegetables tonight. I became so overwhelmed at how special it was and how special I felt to be so loved by my grandson, Donovan. I went shopping today with him and his mama. I went along so I could keep him occupied in secondhand stores. Frankly, I loved it. He is such a well behaved boy when we are out.
While I was cutting vegetables, I went though my day in my head. I thought of the times that Dono played shy and how it was me that he clung to ( just because I was closest out of me and his mom). I’m not saying he chose me over his mom, I’m saying that I was good enough and that he felt safe with me. That is who and what I want to be and what I want to provide….safety.
I was in a self-compassion workshop this week. We talked about values and we talked about learning to love ourselves the way we are loved by someone else. When I think of the way that Dono looked to me for safety and love today, it really overwhelmed me on this realm as well. Could I really learn to love myself that much?
I think I will stay on this path. It felt really good to be loved that way. Can you even imagine how good it would feel if I could always feel that loved, by me?
Above is a pic of the flowers that are left from the flowers I bought for myself a week and half ago. I have been wanting to buy them for over a year and this is how long it has taken me. I’m so glad I took the plunge. In therapy, I am working through self-criticism and self-hate issues. Knowing what my love language is, is helping me to be nicer and kinder to myself. I don’t think I could have start the journey of self-love without first figuring out why I don’t like myself. That has been another journey and a half but it all makes sense to me now.
This past January ( along with other daily journals I write in) I started something called ” Loving Myself.” Basically, I am cheering myself on and soothing myself when needed. I’m reminding myself who I truly am and that I am indeed worth loving and standing up for. I found myself having to advocate for myself and my importance and worth this week. I was sad and disappointed that I had to do it, especially since it was to someone who is supposed to love me. Nonetheless, I did it because I realize no one else will. I’m glad I did. I hope it worked.
So, do I love myself?
Am I kind to myself?
I‘m not hateful but I have come a long way.
Do I write in my Loving Myself journal everyday?
Yes, but if I can’t think of anything positive to say, I will remind myself that it’s ok.
Will I buy myself more flowers?
You betcha I will! 100%
The Story: She was in the shower listening to a podcast. She couldn’t tell how loud it was, she was in the shower. She hears dogs barking and she hears her husband yelling, assuming, at the dogs. Next think you know the bathroom door opens...YOU ARE IN THERE? Yes I am. DIDN’T YOU HEAR ANYTHING? I heard dogs barking. I WAS YELLING AT YOU FROM THE COUCH. Door slams. Another Door slams. She finishes her shower, thinking about what had just happened. “What the hell did I do?” she asks herself. Now she’s mad realizing that her husband was yelling at her from the couch like she was a dog or something. She comes out of the shower. What the hell what that about? Your speaker was too loud. It’s ok now though, it’s good now. You had no right yelling at me from the couch. You could have come and asked me to turn it down. Yes. I know. She fumes in hatred of herself because she didn’t say more. She goes over and over in her mind “should I apologize for having it too loud?” But the other voice in her head says, “no. You didn’t do anything wrong”. The energy is heavy. Forgiveness must happen on her part or she will fume all week about it. He was a fucking jerk but she is considering apologizing. She is worth more than that. Forgiveness is a must, to get over the anger toward him, but apologizing…no. I don’t blame her one bit.
story pissed me off because it very much could have been my household
and I would have reacted exactly the same way. How do you come out
of a space of self hate and
to a place of truly believing you are worth standing up for? THAT my
friends, is the journey I am on.