Day 11: A Habit I Wish I Didn’t Have

I didn’t know what to pick. I have so many. 🙂 I will choose one based on a comment I made at the end of my last post and happiness. One of my worse habits is pushing down my emotions. Truth is, I push them all down whether they are good or bad emotions. It was interesting when I was in counseling, we talked about emotions and I was asked to name some. The only ones I could name were the negative ones. I felt them all the time but the anger I stuffed, as well as any happy emotions. I guess I just didn’t feel worthy of being happy.

I would like to think that this has changed by now but it hasn’t, much. I’m very careful, first of all, about who sees any of my emotions. If I feel unsafe in any way…it’s gone. Pushed deep into me. When I was out walking the other day, it was just my Dukey and I. For that walk I felt so happy and I was tempted to stuff it in, but I didn’t and I was surprised (don’t laugh at me now) that I actually felt happy for a couple hours after. That is not an emotion I am used to at all. I usually stay on a very even keel so I am mediocre or melancholy or angry. I don’t allow myself the in between feelings.

What happens to a person that they don’t allow themselves to feel at all? Why does guilt play so much into it? I know it is a far bigger picture than just not allowing emotions. I know that it goes deep deep into a place that I haven’t explored yet. I also know that time is coming to explore it. It is one of those places I have to go in order to find complete healing. Over the last four years, I have explored many places; many nooks and crannies within myself where I have hidden memories. Some I have been healed of, some I haven’t yet but as I go along this journey, I am learning to offer grace to myself. Meaning, I am allowing myself to take all the time I need for complete healing. @#%t happens that you have no control over and from there life can spiral as you live the only way you know to cope with what has happened. Through that we come up with ways to cope and in that is where we may find some bad habits, hence, mine of stuffing my emotions.

I know this is pretty deep for such a simple question. I am usually like that. 🙂

Well friends, off I go to enjoy this nice day. We have a bunch of snow that is supposed to come Thursday and Friday. Oh the joys of Spring in Alberta! Have a super duper blessed day!

Don’t Worry, Be Happy! I loves you!

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Day 5: Someone I Miss

That’s an easy one, unfortunately. It’s a question that is usually asked that brings lots of faces and memories to mind. Whether you miss them because of death or moving or just moving on, whether it brings tears or laughter, it pretty much always brings several of them and always makes us think.

In my case today, the man I miss passed away March 28, 2008 from cancer. My Uncle Ron. He was one of my Mom’s  brothers. I live in Alberta and he lived in Surrey, British Columbia. I actually lived with him and my Auntie Phyllis for a while in my early twenties. I don’t know about you but I tend to feel like an outcast in groups. I think it’s probably because I am shy and an extreme introvert. I have no problem staying perfectly silent all evening. In fact, I learn a lot. I don’t know if it was my shyness or what but for some reason my Uncle always paid attention to me when we were visiting them, even as a kid. He didn’t do it in a nasty way, but in a way that made me feel like I worth something. It’s hard to explain. Instead of trying to change me and make me “not shy” he worked with me where I was at and showed me that I was special. Because of that, I took a shining to him and felt like “I was his favorite.” This was the same as an adult. I never felt like I had to be someone I wasn’t. He never made me feel ashamed of who I was and didn’t compare me to others. He took me at face value and valued me.

I was so devastated when he died of cancer. It’s like a part of me died as well. Not only that, one of the only people that truly accepted and loved me for who I was…introverted and shy and everything on top of that…gone. I’m so thankful that I was able to spend some time with him a year or so before while I was at a retreat in Richmond BC. That’s where the picture is from. It was a super duper great time that I will always cherish. You know what, I still believe I was his favorite and I will always believe that.:) I’m looking forward to seeing him again one day.

An honorary mention is someone I used to know 31 years ago. I met him when we both worked on the Suicide Crisis Line. His name was David and he was such a great guy. Our regular callers loved him and so did all the rest of us volunteers. I loved working nights with him because of the conversation. In fact, he is the person who in a way, introduced me to Jesus. I say, in a way because I was raised Catholic and so I knew Jesus, but not in the Evangelical way. I didn’t know Him personally. Anyway he was an addict survivor. The last time I saw him he had went back to Ontario for his Dad’s funeral (who died of lung cancer) and then next thing I know I was reading an Obituary in the paper that he had passed away of cancer too. He died of the same cancer that his Dad did, and less than a year apart. My heart truly broke when I learned of his death. I really felt for his Mom too. She had lost another son years before when he was hit by a train and then in less than a year her husband and son passed away. I wrote her a little note and got the sweetest reply from her.

There you have it. Now I am sad. I have great memories though with both of these men and I will see them again. But for now, the memories will make me laugh and cry and life will go on.

Hug your loved ones close!!! I loves you!