Above is a pic of the flowers that are left from the flowers I bought for myself a week and half ago. I have been wanting to buy them for over a year and this is how long it has taken me. I’m so glad I took the plunge. In therapy, I am working through self-criticism and self-hate issues. Knowing what my love language is, is helping me to be nicer and kinder to myself. I don’t think I could have start the journey of self-love without first figuring out why I don’t like myself. That has been another journey and a half but it all makes sense to me now.
This past January ( along with other daily journals I write in) I started something called ” Loving Myself.” Basically, I am cheering myself on and soothing myself when needed. I’m reminding myself who I truly am and that I am indeed worth loving and standing up for. I found myself having to advocate for myself and my importance and worth this week. I was sad and disappointed that I had to do it, especially since it was to someone who is supposed to love me. Nonetheless, I did it because I realize no one else will. I’m glad I did. I hope it worked.
So, do I love myself?
Am I kind to myself?
I‘m not hateful but I have come a long way.
Do I write in my Loving Myself journal everyday?
Yes, but if I can’t think of anything positive to say, I will remind myself that it’s ok.
Will I buy myself more flowers?
You betcha I will! 100%
I started almost two years ago seeing a psychologist. My Dr. referred me and through my provincial healthcare, I didn’t have to pay. I’m still seeing him. In September of 2020 something happened that totally devastated me and the following January 0f 2021 I started seeing an addiction counselor. I’ve had the benefit of one of them being a male and one being a female and honestly, I lucked out and they have both been so good and a great fit for me. My referral psychologist is supposed to be for short term therapy and I can hardly believe I still see him. I do believe though that it will soon come to an end. He promised me a year ago he would give me good notice though so for that…WHEW!!
I understand that therapy is not necessarily meant for life, though, maybe for some, if they can afford it, why not? Talking with my addiction counselor today, we talked about this topic. The goal of therapy is to not need therapy anymore. The goal is to learn coping skills and learn how to deal with things, on your own. It makes sense. I have learned so much from both of these individuals. I feel stronger. I still have so much fear in me and I know I still have a long way to go. I have things happening in my life that are really hard. I guess in some ways, I’m trying to soften the blow of my psychologist and counselor eventually ending therapy. It is something I will talk about in my next session as well, to get my psychologist’s point of view on it too.
But for today, nothing will change in this department. I will continue with my “homework” and learn as much as I can, including basic skills that I feel I should have known already. It’s a kick in the gut to learn that the way you have been living isn’t necessarily the healthiest way of living. But, I’m a big girl and I know that no one can make the changes but me. So I will.
Good grief! It’s been so long since I’ve blogged here I forget how to use WordPress. To be honest, I never was really able to totally grasp it. When I post a blog, I usually set it up as my feature post so I can find it. I didn’t do that on my last post just before I ate supper. I’ll have to find it and link it here. LOL
I feel I was so hasty and in the “moment ” when I posted that I felt a follow up was needed. Here’s the link to it: https://wordlyrandom.wordpress.com/2021/07/13/still-devastated/
I wanted to follow up to say that yes, I’m devastated still and it’s preventing me from going on Twitter and at the same time, I’m grieving for my friend in healthy ways along with therapy and other means of healing. Steve started me in the journey of healing, as my life coach a few years ago. He encouraged me to go into therapy which has been the best thing I’ve ever done. Maybe I’ll get more into that.
Honestly though, I don’t know what I want to do with my blog. I’m not sure what to write about but I feel me starting to write again ( I have two books I am at the very beginning stages), that it can be my way to pay homage to Steve. I forgot to say, he is an author. I will link some links from amazon of his books.
Catching Your Breath
Hiding in the Pews: Shining Light on Mental Illness in the Church
Anyway, this is my follow up. Hopefully I will post this one properly. LOL
Who would ever say that? In fact, we scoff at people who tend to stay in their place of pain and discomfort and say ” they don’t want to get better.” We scoff at people who choose to take medications while AND instead of getting to the issue itself. We seem to scoff at people who choose to deal with their mental health issues different than ourselves. If there is anything I have learned on my own journey is that every person is different, ever circumstance is different and that means that what works for one, may not work for another,
I’m not planning on getting into my issues very deep at this time. I just wanted to say that I can now understand why I stayed in my depression and anxiety for so long without trying to help myself. Counselling really helped me a few years ago, and right now, as the time is right for my healing , I am not only falling back on what I learned then, but I have a couple people who are a huge help to me on the internet. I’ll share more about that another time.
Today’s post is just to say that it was way easier for me to stay in my depression and anxiety than it is now, to find healing from the issues that have caused it. It’s really hard digging into things that I have purposely forgotten about just so I can live. It’s really hard to have the old feelings come up and not know what to do with them. Someone once told me I was lucky to learn about, for instance, changing my bad thoughts of myself into good thoughts of myself. No, I’m not lucky. I’m working fucking hard. I know God is part of this healing journey as well, but at the same time, if you want to heal, you have to make the choice YOURSELF. God will walk any path with you that you choose, even if you aren’t ready to heal. Remember that.
Friends, do I have any regrets in choosing to heal? Some days I do. Some days I totally fail and I just want to forget about it BUT then some days…I win! I feel good. I feel hope. Those are the days I remember when I want to give up.
Keep up friends! Take a day at a time and live your life. As I was reminded today, every hour is a new beginning.
Watch for updates!