The Story: She was in the shower listening to a podcast. She couldn’t tell how loud it was, she was in the shower. She hears dogs barking and she hears her husband yelling, assuming, at the dogs. Next think you know the bathroom door opens...YOU ARE IN THERE? Yes I am. DIDN’T YOU HEAR ANYTHING? I heard dogs barking. I WAS YELLING AT YOU FROM THE COUCH. Door slams. Another Door slams. She finishes her shower, thinking about what had just happened. “What the hell did I do?” she asks herself. Now she’s mad realizing that her husband was yelling at her from the couch like she was a dog or something. She comes out of the shower. What the hell what that about? Your speaker was too loud. It’s ok now though, it’s good now. You had no right yelling at me from the couch. You could have come and asked me to turn it down. Yes. I know. She fumes in hatred of herself because she didn’t say more. She goes over and over in her mind “should I apologize for having it too loud?” But the other voice in her head says, “no. You didn’t do anything wrong”. The energy is heavy. Forgiveness must happen on her part or she will fume all week about it. He was a fucking jerk but she is considering apologizing. She is worth more than that. Forgiveness is a must, to get over the anger toward him, but apologizing…no. I don’t blame her one bit.
story pissed me off because it very much could have been my household
and I would have reacted exactly the same way. How do you come out
of a space of self hate and
to a place of truly believing you are worth standing up for? THAT my
friends, is the journey I am on.
Something to think about: Comparing Myself
I am part of an online group where we are learning some new stuff. It’s growing daily and people are so excited. I notice how people react to new ideas ( that they like ), a good day, something exciting happening, a new movie out they’ve been dying to see…..you get the drift. Name anything you are excited about and react to it.
Now, how do I react? When people are happy, I am happy for them. I have no issues with the way people react to being happy and excited. My issue is how I react and I right off the bat I compare myself to them. This can have two consequences ( as I see it ). First of all, I can look at them and sneer in my mind. I can criticize them and hurt them, all the time realizing that it’s wrong. Second, I can criticize myself. I am not a huge reactor to things. I don’t even know if I used to be, but I do know that I am not anymore…..on the outside anyway.
What usually happens is I decide to criticize myself and that is why I am writing this blog. I am doing it right now. I know it’s wrong. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know all those things. I do believe if I was more of a reactor I would fit in better, but it just isn’t me and I choose to be me even if I am hurtful toward me.
I share all this to say I’m getting better. I am a supersenstive introvert. I took the Ennegram and I am a 5 (whatever that means). I remember years ago the family went on a mission trip to Mexico. My husband was the bus driver and he was able to take us all. I decided since these were people I had never met before I would try and act like my husband, who is an extroverted talker. I lasted 5 minutes ( maybe not even ). I’ll be honest and say I thought I was over this but apparently I am not.
I don’t have the energy to be someone else. Its too hard both mentally and physically. As an introvert my mind and thoughts are tiring enough never mind adding more to it. So what do I do? I guess I continue to learn about and love myself. I continue to be me and not only that, be happy and content with who I am because of the image I was made as….An ALL Loving God.
I will get this and I will not be so hard on myself. I got this!
Anyone else have this issue? I’d love to hear your story.