I had to stop and cry in the middle of cutting vegetables tonight. I became so overwhelmed at how special it was and how special I felt to be so loved by my grandson, Donovan. I went shopping today with him and his mama. I went along so I could keep him occupied in secondhand stores. Frankly, I loved it. He is such a well behaved boy when we are out.
While I was cutting vegetables, I went though my day in my head. I thought of the times that Dono played shy and how it was me that he clung to ( just because I was closest out of me and his mom). I’m not saying he chose me over his mom, I’m saying that I was good enough and that he felt safe with me. That is who and what I want to be and what I want to provide….safety.
I was in a self-compassion workshop this week. We talked about values and we talked about learning to love ourselves the way we are loved by someone else. When I think of the way that Dono looked to me for safety and love today, it really overwhelmed me on this realm as well. Could I really learn to love myself that much?
I think I will stay on this path. It felt really good to be loved that way. Can you even imagine how good it would feel if I could always feel that loved, by me?
Above is a pic of the flowers that are left from the flowers I bought for myself a week and half ago. I have been wanting to buy them for over a year and this is how long it has taken me. I’m so glad I took the plunge. In therapy, I am working through self-criticism and self-hate issues. Knowing what my love language is, is helping me to be nicer and kinder to myself. I don’t think I could have start the journey of self-love without first figuring out why I don’t like myself. That has been another journey and a half but it all makes sense to me now.
This past January ( along with other daily journals I write in) I started something called ” Loving Myself.” Basically, I am cheering myself on and soothing myself when needed. I’m reminding myself who I truly am and that I am indeed worth loving and standing up for. I found myself having to advocate for myself and my importance and worth this week. I was sad and disappointed that I had to do it, especially since it was to someone who is supposed to love me. Nonetheless, I did it because I realize no one else will. I’m glad I did. I hope it worked.
So, do I love myself?
Am I kind to myself?
I‘m not hateful but I have come a long way.
Do I write in my Loving Myself journal everyday?
Yes, but if I can’t think of anything positive to say, I will remind myself that it’s ok.
It’s so easy to look at only the surface people and judge them, just on what we see and hear and that moment. I would say that I have experienced this in a negative way, both individually and as a couple with Wally ( more about that another time).
What makes me think about this is a Podcast that I have grown to LOVE. It is called the Inglorious Pastereds and they are what I would call Progressive Christians. It would be nice if we didn’t have to label people but as I am finding out, there are all kinds of people that call themselves Christians and they are quite different from each other in beliefs. Truth is, I don’t even hardly know what a Christian is anymore. I do know that Jesus wasn’t one.
Anyway, the first time I listened to these guys I was quite shocked and didn’t listen to them for a while. As I started to notice they came up on my feed more and more on Twitter I decided to give them another listen. I am so glad I did. You see…I don’t like cursing or drinking and because of that, I didn’t listen to them anymore. I hear cursing at home all the time and Wally was a drunk (his words) for most of our marriage up until two years ago. I didn’t want to hear it on a podcast. I’m glad I got over the hump and listened to them because they have really changed a lot about me, in the way I think (in a good way) and the way I look at the world and God. I swear that we as a society are just looking for reasons to not like each other. It’s so sad that we don’t even give some people a chance just because they communicate something different than we do and in a different way.
I love what God is doing in me. I love that my mind has become open enough that I can listen to others who communicate their truth in a different way that I do because I am learning new things. The hardest and most painful thing about a paradigm switch is the deconstruction but there is beauty and awe as construction happens in the midst of it and you learn the truth and you know it’s the Truth! I love that it’s the Holy Spirit who guides me into my new and different beliefs and out of my old. That is how I know it is the Truth. I also know as time goes on and maybe I share more, that some of my Conservative Christian friends will have problems with what I believe and I know I may even lose some of their friendship ( as we are already) but as I have learned:
What has been seen, cannot be unseen; What has been heard, cannot be unheard; There is no looking back.
My friend, I loves ya!
Check these guys out if you dare. Consider yourself warned. You might just learn something new and you might die from laughing, all in one podcast. They are on itunes and most podcast places.
It’s not a thing that holds me back, it’s a person and that person is me. My thoughts and fears hold me back.
My thoughts that are lies. Lies that I am not good enough, that I can’t do it for whatever reason. My thoughts that say it’s too late. The “not good enough” lie can show itself in anything. If you believe you are not good enough then that is the way you will act. Friend, that is a complete lie. You are good enough and can do whatever you want to. It’s in your hands. Change your thoughts. Know the truth and believe it.
My fears that are fears. Fears that won’t allow me to try something new. Fears of failure and not making it the first time. Fears that talk way louder than any of my positive thoughts and meld together with the deafening sound of the lies.
They are best friends; my thoughts and fears.
The beautiful thing is that this doesn’t have to be the end. I can change my thoughts and I can fight my fears. AND that’s what I do. I have made it my beginning!
What holds you back my special friend? Fight it!!!