Day 21: 10 Favorite Foods

In no particular order (except for the pizza):

Pizza ( my very fave!)

Breakfast Burritos

Cheese and Bean Burritos

Tacos (real authentic ones from Mexico)

Taco Salad

Tossed Salad

Cheese

Eggs

Guacamole

Avocados

My favorite kitchen appliance is my George Foreman Grill. My oldest son uses it a lot too. He always says that the first thing he will do when he moves out is to buy one. They are so handy and you can use them for anything.

It is another cool and cold April day in Central Alberta. My son has been on Easter Holidays and goes back to school (well, starts school anyway) on Tuesday. We have one more push and then he is done grade 11. We will probably end school in mid-June. This year has just flown by!! Oh how the years go by quickly. I used to think it was a cliche but it is the total truth! ( wow, that’s a paragraph with a LOT of short sentences)

My husband works on Saturday and we will get so see some great friends on Saturday night. That is pretty much our weekend planned.

Have a super duper Friday Friends! Smile, cuz you can! I loves you!

Day 20: Last Time I Cried

It was two weeks ago at my appointment with the Diabetic Nurse. I was ashamed, embarrassed and felt like a complete failure. Originally when I found out I was diabetic it was all about exercising and eating right. What they failed to tell me was it ain’t easy. At the time I found out I was diabetic I was starting counselling for depression, sick and tired of an alcoholic husband and enabling him and worse of all, found out I was in that “perimenopause” time. UGH! Never mind the fact that I wasn’t active before all this. So then, finding out I was diabetic and gung ho on eating right and walking. I was good for a while. Winter comes ( horrible for depression ), motivations goes, Fitbit breaks. So many excuses and yet, it’s life and it happens.

You know, I am not looking for advice when I share this with you. In fact, I don’t necessarily appreciate it because you don’t know what I have tried and why I haven’t tried something else. It’s one thing to share what has worked for you in similar circumstances and I am all for that so long as it isn’t trying to “fix” me.  My story is more than the surface of what I share here. It goes deep into the whys and hows and there is much healing that needs to take place and is taking place, as I speak. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I have no desire to do anything. That is ok. It’s my story, it’s my life. It’s one of the reasons I quit sharing in the past. Anyway, the truth is, this blog isn’t meant for me to look for answers so much is it is meant for someone who is reading it to know that they are not alone. S$%t happens. Life happens. Sometimes there are answers and sometimes we just have to sit back and wait for it to calm down. And sometimes, that is what our whole life is…back and forth.

We can’t sit in this place for long though. We have to remember the part that life does go on. We need to go on. This moment will fade away into another moment and it may be better. That is why we can’t dwell on the yuckiness we feel. It is only very recently that I can say and truly believe, in the moment, that it will be ok. I will be ok.

So, I cried to Leslie (nurse) and she reassured me that I was doing fine and to make small changes at a time. I left there feeling way better. I bought a new Fitbit and I have been making small changes again. A little bit at a time, I am feeling better. Spring is here and that helps. It’s actually sunny today and I can hear all the birds ( and the cows will soon be here!) and last night I was out with one of our dogs and we listened to the frogs, the night time birds and the coyote puppies. Yes, Spring is here and I am so thankful!

Friend, you are Amazing! There is not enough ANYTHING that can measure up to the Importance and the Worth that you are. I know what it feels to feel less than. It is a daily struggle I have. It needn’t be though and I am in healing. You can be too.

Have a Super Duper Blessed day my Amazing Friend! I loves you!

Day 18: Things That Make Me Scared

Keep in mind when I am sharing things on my blog I am sharing them from my perspective and my life and the issues I talk about may look different from how you see them. Even though I am (de) and (re)constructing my religious beliefs right now, doesn’t mean that my faith is not important to me anymore or that my relationship with God is severed or anything like that, it just means, in my mind, that the Truth is becoming realer and righter to me.   🙂

This question can and does go hand in hand with yesterday’s blog.

Things that make me scared:

1.The thought that I will have to live with depression for the rest of my life and go on drugs for it. I don’t like that thought at all and brings some fear to my life. I have a taken a few kinds of antidepressants and they were awful. In my case, I believe my depression goes hand in hand with my religious beliefs and I have found as I am learning new things ( that I am Truly Truly loved) and realizing some of the lies I have been taught, my depression has been less. Maybe it is just wishful thinking but this is one of these issues that..this is how I see my depression.

2.The thought of going back to the lifestyle we had when my husband was drinking. Meaning, Wally drinking again. I hate that idea and it scares me.

NOW…I want to talk about both of these fears. Do you notice I start them with “The thought”? I am already giving these issues fear over me because I am thinking about them. I will go as far to say is I am already formulating ideas in my head as to how to deal with them. THAT my friends is called “future tripping” and it is a bad bad idea! Neither one of these things have happened and to be honest, there is no reason that I can see that they will happen in the unforeseeable future. So, I live my days as if they have or will happen and then if all of a sudden it does, I live through it a second time. It is so stupid and it is something I have done my whole entire life. I have killed people off during these thoughts. It is so nasty and might I say, more common than I have ever known. So many of us are missing out on our lives…the here and now .because we are so concerned about what “might” happen. It totally blows me away. I have no control over either of these issues. Maybe, in a way, the first one, but definitely not the second one. A few months ago I was fretting over my fear of my hubby drinking again. I was in rough shape because it definitely makes me physically ill because of the anxiety. All of sudden I heard “I will always be with you and take care of you.” God reminded me that I was never alone. If the time ever comes, I will be ok.

You know, this moment is the only one I am guaranteed. We never know what will come and when our time on this earth is done. We have right now. Join me friends in living it with Thanksgiving rather than worrying about the future. For now, it will be ok. ❤

Happy Tuesday coming from a very snowy Central Alberta, Canada. Brrrrrrr I loves you!

Day 17: Something I Am Currently Worried About

What am I not worried about? Unfortunately, my worries can turn into fears thus the overthinking and future-tripping. With alcohol being a regular thing that has been around our lives since we were married, I have done so much worrying and future tripping. Maybe I will share more about that in another post just so you can hear one story of a wife married to an alcoholic (might I add…in the church).

I’ll put that on the back burner for now and talk about the here. 🙂 What am I worried about? I worry about my kids getting hurt while driving. I even worry about the guys getting hurt on the job even though they are safe. I worry about what my life will be like after my youngest is done homeschooling in a year and what in the world I will do and where I will fit.

I worry about my health as a diabetic with high blood pressure (and overweight). I worry about what others think of me and how they will react to what I say and do. See, there isn’t much I don’t worry about.

I think when it comes right down to it, I worry about everything I have no control over. I hate to admit it, but I would love to have more control over what happens in my life. I don’t though because other people are involved and some things well, some things are just not controllable by a human being. At the same time, would I really want control of everything and everyone in my life? That sounds like a huge responsibility. Talk about having to take meds. Yikes.

I know that my worrying can and has really influence my health, not in good ways. I have become literally physically sick because of worrying.  It has now become chronic anxiety and THAT is not fun at all!!!

As a Christian, I am told not to worry. “Give it to God,” they say, “you’ll feel way better.” Sometimes that has worked. I am just in the habit of taking it back and worrying double over it. “ If you can worry,” they say, “you can pray” That’s a good one and even might be Biblical. It is said so flippant and in ways that make it sound so easy. It’s not easy. I have considered trying meditation. Not so much the Eastern Culture meditation, though, the same technique but not being emptied and filled with nothingness as compared with being emptied of the garbage and filled with God. Now, that sounds weird to me because God is already in me, but to empty myself of the garbage, I can get behind that idea. I don’t know what stops me from trying that. Maybe it might actually work at calming my nerves. There was one time I was in the Dr. Office ( about 4 months ago) and was having my blood pressure taken. I just sat there calmly chanting “Jesus” over and over again and made sure that was all I thought about. My BP was totally normal and she took me off the meds. I don’t know if my BP normal had anything to do with my meditating but the results, in the end, were favorable.

Anyway, I do know being still will the Lord is calming regardless of what you call it. Maybe I should do it way more and just quit worrying! Wanna join me? 🙂

Have a super duper Monday! Smile because it’s the only Monday of the week! I loves you!

Resharing from Mike Morrell: Easter

Mike’s note: This is one of my favorite poems celebrating the unexpected splendor of new life out of anticipated death. Happy Easter, all you resurrection artists. God is alive, magic is afoot God is alive, magic is afoot God is afoot, magic is alive Alive is afoot, magic never died God never sickened Many poor […]

via God is Alive, Magic is Afoot | Leonard Cohen — Mike Morrell

Day 16: What Kind of Person Am I Attracted to?

I really like this question now that I think about it because it has really evolved over the years. I remember when I was working for Mohawk and I was a single gal. Of course, I watched for “the one” and interestingly enough, I actually found him while I was working there. 🙂 As a cashier the first thing I looked at was hands. I don’t know why. Back in the day, good looks helped (just being honest) and eyes and well, your attitude played a big part in it because if you have ever worked retail, you know how people can be. Yikes…even the most gorgeous of people can become ugly because of the way they act. I met my guy there and didn’t look for men anymore. 🙂

Throughout my life since then, I have been attracted to those who have the same beliefs as I do. While I was attending church, my social life in and out of church was other Christians. I don’t think that is unusual. As we ran into issues in church (My hubby and I have always been misfits) I realized just how unattractive some of those people were that previously weren’t. All of a sudden when some people find out you think different than them (or act differently), they turn into totally different people. I know my depression has turned some people off of us just because I avoided them, but that is a different issue.

It was during counselling for depression that I realized what kind of people/person that I am attracted to. People who are accepting of others no matter what they believe (hey…that’s GRACE) and bigger for me yet….Kindness. I had never even experienced that myself until I was in counselling. Not that people weren’t nice to me. Of course, they were. But there is something special that comes with an understanding of who you are in Christ that shines outward…and THAT is Christ himself in us…Shining out! I had never seen it nor experienced it and wow, when all of a sudden kindness was coming my way in ways that made me feel worth something, I realized that there was way more to God and way more I needed (and wanted) to learn and know.

I have found by meeting and talking to a few people who have this grace/kindness that I am talking about, that it is something I want to and try to emulate and even more so, allow Christ in me to shine outward and let Him do it. I have found there has been a change in me and strangers react to me different than they used to. People that know me??? Since I have trust issues with most of them, I don’t see much of them anymore. It’s too bad and I will blame myself for that but it is what it is.

Anyway….KINDNESS. Be kind friends…you just never know the journey that someone else is on (even if you know that person).

Don’t be dumb, treat them kind anyway. ❤

Happy Easter Friends! He is Risen! I loves you!

Foto Fun 52: Week 1: Resolotion

I resolve to stay in the house as much as I can today because it is snowy, wet and cold! 🙂