Day 3: Bucket List?

Bucket List? Nope! Don’t have one and don’t want one. I know they are popular to have. I understand there are things that people want to do in their lives before they die or get too old to do them ( or however they see their bucket list). I am kind of boring. I have no desire to travel anywhere really. I am a homebody with anxiety issues. Home is good. Home is safe. Safe is necessary. Even as time goes on and my anxiety gets better, I have grown used to going with the spirit and seeing where I go and where I end up. Whether it be the Dollar store or the Grocery Store…the Hardware Store or the Bakery. Get my drift?

In saying all this, I know that people put more than just travelling on their bucket list. The way I see life right now, is in the moment. Right now, what can I be doing? I have choices to make and I will make them and life will take me to the next step. I guess in a nut shell what my goal in living life is living it so I don’t have regrets. I try to make the right decisions. I know I will make wrong ones but to live in regret is living in the past. I struggle with that as it is.

This is what I wrote in day 2:

God is good and He has me on an amazing journey that will take me places I can’t even dream about. If I can dream about it, I don’t even want to go there which might give you a clue as far as tomorrow goes and my next topic.” hint hint!”

The truth is I quit dreaming several years ago. I was in a bad spot with my depression and things weren’t going so well between my husband and I. His drinking had really drained me and I let it. There is so much more to that and maybe in future blogs I will share more about it. But…nonetheless, I was in a bad place. All I wanted to do was write and I couldn’t even do that. Nothing came and nothing had come for years before that. I knew I wanted to write, but I couldn’t and yet, I still called myself a writer. Cray Cray! I gave up. I gave up my only dream and that was writing. I gave it to God and said, “whatever…do what you want with this. I’m done.” And I quit.

My youngest son has a Bucket List. I think it’s a great idea in many respects. He gets quite excited about it and keeps adding things to it. I would never discourage that, ever. It is also a great way of keeping track of your dreams and hopes (maybe that’s what a Bucket List is). It’s easy to forget some of these things as we go on through life’s journey.

I haven’t started dreaming again yet, but I have started writing and for now, that is all I need for now. For me, they are a “ two in one deal!”

Keep Dreaming Friends! I Loves you!

What About Me?

I wrote this in November of 2016, a couple weeks or so after we had met Wm. Paul Young (author of The Shack). The anger I talk about here, toward not only Wally, but God as well, happened quite a bit in our marriage and esp the last couple years or so of Wally’s drinking while I was in counseling for depression.

God spoke to me through the testimony of Wm. Paul Young and the music of Alana Levandoski. I have been in an interesting place since Wally quit drinking about a year and half ago. I have been quietly and innerly trying to find healing. I have gone through that process as I have been getting to know my Beautiful and Loving God. There has been much about Him that I have not accepted because I have had a hard time with my journey. One thing that really stands out to me is even when Wally was drinking he always always knew and leaned and prayed to Jesus. He always knew Jesus was love (not saying he knew that God was love, but that is part of the journey we are on together). Anyway, I used to get so mad! I would get mad at God and I would yell at Jesus. I was in my own living hell and here is Wally, drunk as a skunk, loving Jesus and knowing how much he needed Him. I was so jealous. Not jealous of the drinking but of the relationship that Wally had with Jesus. This guy, this f%$#*&g guy, was causing so much grief to me and to my kids. I was so so jealous and I wanted that so bad. I thought my relationship with Jesus was good. I thought He loved me. I thought I loved Him. When the depression hit, all the ideas I ever knew about God and Jesus became null and void. I was useless, broken, unloved and unloveable. That’s all I heard. Any voice of God I heard before….STOPPED. I was done! I was mad, I was angry, I was hopeless and totally helpless. I couldn’t even handle my own life. I quit my relationships with friends and drew away from family. Everything I had ever held truth and close to me became null and void because in my mind and in my heart, they were all lies.

You know, I don’t know why I felt this way. I don’t know what triggered it but all of a sudden all the insecurities I had ever had and ever felt came rushing in all at once and I was overwhelmed and messed up. I had never felt loved in a way that I needed. I don’t even know how that is or why. I was mad at everyone.

I’m glad God meets us where we are at. I Loves you.