You Are Worth Standing Up For

The Story: She was in the shower listening to a podcast. She couldn’t tell how loud it was, she was in the shower. She hears dogs barking and she hears her husband yelling, assuming, at the dogs. Next think you know the bathroom door opens...YOU ARE IN THERE? Yes I am. DIDN’T YOU HEAR ANYTHING? I heard dogs barking. I WAS YELLING AT YOU FROM THE COUCH. Door slams. Another Door slams. She finishes her shower, thinking about what had just happened. “What the hell did I do?” she asks herself. Now she’s mad realizing that her husband was yelling at her from the couch like she was a dog or something. She comes out of the shower. What the hell what that about? Your speaker was too loud. It’s ok now though, it’s good now. You had no right yelling at me from the couch. You could have come and asked me to turn it down. Yes. I know. She fumes in hatred of herself because she didn’t say more. She goes over and over in her mind “should I apologize for having it too loud?” But the other voice in her head says, “no. You didn’t do anything wrong”. The energy is heavy. Forgiveness must happen on her part or she will fume all week about it. He was a fucking jerk but she is considering apologizing. She is worth more than that. Forgiveness is a must, to get over the anger toward him, but apologizing…no. I don’t blame her one bit.

This story pissed me off because it very much could have been my household and I would have reacted exactly the same way. How do you come out of a space of self hate and worthlessness to a place of truly believing you are worth standing up for? THAT my friends, is the journey I am on.

Tough Stuff!

TTFN

Why I Quit Facebook

My first week without facebook was the weirdest. I thought for sure I would go through withdrawals and a few friends figured I would as well. It was so nice! Luckily I was also distracted by playing the Minimalism game. I found out I can use Messenger so I can stay in touch with some of my friends. As time went on I himed and hawed about whether I was going to go back to it but then decided that I would make that choice when the time came. For now I would enjoy this time and figure out what in the world life outside facebook was all about and who I was. I spent a lot of time on it. Way too much! Addiction would be a good word and honestly, quite truthful. I became obsessed with what other people thought and then I would become angry about it. It isn’t facebook that caused that, but me. I know that and I accept full responsibility for it. Some people can be on facebook and have no issues but I believe most people have issue with it, whatever it may be. Some of the emotions I had experienced were: anger, envy, arrogance, sadness, dread, hopelessness and I’m sure quite a few more. These emotions would trigger my depression and anxiety.

I found a lot of good on it too. I made some super great friends and it was so nice to be connected to family I haven’t seen for years. Just as I was leaving Steve McVey was making a private group that I would kill to be part of ( ok, not quite lol) and I was tempted to stay just for that but I knew the time had come for me to leave and I knew it was God telling me. Steve even suggested that I could stay away from the places that were toxic to me. I was flattered that he thought I could be part of his group and I will admit, I was tempted again. I didn’t though. I knew what I had to do.

I don’t know what my future on facebook will be but for now, after 6 weeks, I am content without it. I am writing, I am minimizing my life and I am learning who I am in Christ and how to live it. I am reading some great books and I am listening to some great messages. I am trying to get to know me and who I am. Facebook was my social life, now I have none but I am getting smarter for it and I have a feeling this Spring and Summer will bring some new beginnings in this area.

God is good. I Loves you!

What About Me?

I wrote this in November of 2016, a couple weeks or so after we had met Wm. Paul Young (author of The Shack). The anger I talk about here, toward not only Wally, but God as well, happened quite a bit in our marriage and esp the last couple years or so of Wally’s drinking while I was in counseling for depression.

God spoke to me through the testimony of Wm. Paul Young and the music of Alana Levandoski. I have been in an interesting place since Wally quit drinking about a year and half ago. I have been quietly and innerly trying to find healing. I have gone through that process as I have been getting to know my Beautiful and Loving God. There has been much about Him that I have not accepted because I have had a hard time with my journey. One thing that really stands out to me is even when Wally was drinking he always always knew and leaned and prayed to Jesus. He always knew Jesus was love (not saying he knew that God was love, but that is part of the journey we are on together). Anyway, I used to get so mad! I would get mad at God and I would yell at Jesus. I was in my own living hell and here is Wally, drunk as a skunk, loving Jesus and knowing how much he needed Him. I was so jealous. Not jealous of the drinking but of the relationship that Wally had with Jesus. This guy, this f%$#*&g guy, was causing so much grief to me and to my kids. I was so so jealous and I wanted that so bad. I thought my relationship with Jesus was good. I thought He loved me. I thought I loved Him. When the depression hit, all the ideas I ever knew about God and Jesus became null and void. I was useless, broken, unloved and unloveable. That’s all I heard. Any voice of God I heard before….STOPPED. I was done! I was mad, I was angry, I was hopeless and totally helpless. I couldn’t even handle my own life. I quit my relationships with friends and drew away from family. Everything I had ever held truth and close to me became null and void because in my mind and in my heart, they were all lies.

You know, I don’t know why I felt this way. I don’t know what triggered it but all of a sudden all the insecurities I had ever had and ever felt came rushing in all at once and I was overwhelmed and messed up. I had never felt loved in a way that I needed. I don’t even know how that is or why. I was mad at everyone.

I’m glad God meets us where we are at. I Loves you.