Day 4: Someone I Have Always Wanted To Meet And…UGH!

You know, I have wracked my brain on this one. You would think since I picked the questions I would pick ones I knew my answer to already. WHAT was I thinking? Lol I will give a shout out to my friend Rosemary in Australia. I would LOVE to meet her and hopefully one day, that will happen. For now though, I am thankful for the interweb so we can stay in touch. I love her muchly!!

There is only one other thing that comes to my mind regarding this, and that is: another question. I LOVE musicals. Right from the time I was a little kid, I always wished that life was like a musical in the sense that we would sing to each other. I know some of you are way better singers than some of us but if it was a “norm” would we even notice that in that respect? I wouldn’t want to take away from amazing singers but it wouldn’t have to. Singing would be talking and better singers could still do it for a living. The only that would change was every once in a while we would break into song. Yes, I’m a dork.

I’m afraid I don’t have tonnes of inspiration today, even to just sit here and write. It’s a beautiful day but I sense depression on my doorstep. I always know when it is there and as it comes closer so I know now is the time to fight it unless  I’m too late and it comes in. Being in a depression state isn’t the worse thing ( anxiety is WAY worse IMHO). Sometimes I even welcome it like an old friend. It’s so weird. I hate depression yet sometimes I love it. I guess in a way it has become natural. It has become a natural state and when I’m not depressed I sometimes am even lost because it feels so unnatural to me. Depression is different for everyone and where some people ( a lot of people actually ) have chosen to poeticize it, I choose not to because I don’t believe depression deserves that. Just because I welcome it ( sometimes )and just because we talk about it more and “accept“ it, I still believe that, like cancer, it isn’t a normal and natural state. We don’t poeticize cancer, in fact, we HATE cancer. I hate depression and in my mind, in my own body, in my own state, I see it as a weakness in me. I don’t feel that way about others, but I see a weakness and fear in me and the result is depression. Friends, this is my personal opinion on my own depression. There is nothing that annoys me more than when I see the lists of things to do “when you are depressed.“ HELLO. Depression takes so much away including a desire to even get better. Even to learn all that ahead of time, it just doesn’t work. The hardest thing to do when you are depressed is to take that “next step.“ But you know what, that is the only thing I can do and sometimes that next step is just getting out of bed.

Anyway, I’m not sure where that came from. I guess I went with it. I have an appointment tomorrow and I imagine I might feel better or worse after it. I will just repeat to myself that I will not judge myself on my health and the things I don’t do right with it. I will just do better next time.

Toodles friends! Have an amazing day! I loves you!

My Mommy Heart

When you put your child into kindergarten; that first day you follow the bus to their school to make sure the bus makes it there (yes, I did)….you never think that one day they will grow up. We live life one day at a time, getting through the days: wiping noses, changing diapers, driving them here, there and everywhere. All of sudden they have their learners license and then their drivers’ and then they are driving you (yikes!) It’s easy to look back on the years and have regrets and wish you had done (something) different but it’s too late AND you need to remember that you did what you thought was right at the time. Have no regrets.

I made a conscious decision of enjoying every stage my kids were at. I can look back and see some hard times that I wish I had…..but I stop myself. I offer myself grace. “You did the best you could. “ I loved every stage. Being a stay at home mom has had a lot of perks that I am so thankful for. It wasn’t always easy and frankly, I think I missed out on some things. That’s ok though. I can’t understand why woman have to hurt each other because of choices they make staying at home or working out of the home. We make our choices based on so many issues and reasons no one else may even know. Why do we judge each other? Why can’t we just support each other?

My oldest son is 20. He dropped out of high school. He finished grade 10 and is working as a welder with his dad (and the plan is to go to school…hopefully Jan 2108). I homeschooled him through grades 6 and 9 and he went to the local high school in grade 10 because he wanted to play football. What a mistake that was. The very boys he went for, bullied him. That very quickly ended his high school career. He’s a Stand up Comic working on becoming big. He works hard.

My other son is 17. I homeschooled him through grades 4-current. He is in grade 11. We only have one more year to go. He chose not to go to the local high school. I am glad for that. I have a lot regrets about how I homeschooled and yet, I did what I knew, with guidance from a wonderful wonderful facilitator. I would do it different if I could go back and yet…maybe I wouldn’t. My 17 year old is waiting in anticipation to get his driver’s license. He waited so he got it late. He plans to look for a job. He isn’t so interested in working with his brother and dad full-time.

So here I am. Almost done grade 11 and then grade 12. The next year will go so fast. Married coming on 22 years this year. It’s a weird place to be and I never ever thought that first day I put my son in kindergarten, that I would be at this point, looking at two young men who I love as much today as I did then.

My Mommy heart is hurting today but it’s very full. I am so blessed.

Count Your blessings friends. There are many. I loves you!