Day 18: 40 Day Grace Journey

via Day 18: Our Focus Determines What We Grow Into

FANTASTIC!  I love this post so much today!  Once again….it’s laid out perfectly.  On the other hand, I have to be careful I don’t see it as a to-do list.  Like Mike explains, this is what will naturally happen because of Christ in you.  That’s such a huge difference to me and yet when I look at it, I can see I am still a child mainly.  I see glimmers of a young adult and that gives me hope but I also can see why I am still at the child stage.  I’m ok with this, mostly.  As long as I see it for what it is then I will be fine.  I sometimes wonder if and how depression  can change some of this.  It’s hard to be focused on others when you are depressed.  You really have to fight your way through it.  Yeah, so I have some questions about it all, but that’s fine.  God is good with that.  🙂

Sitting here waiting for the snow.  We have a snow warning out but I don’t think we will get it as bad as they are saying.  I hope so anyways but if not…what can I do?  Shovel my way out I guess.

Have a super day friends.  Enjoy the end of another week!

I thought this was worth sharing ( talking about the picture)

The thinking patterns and filters for those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety can be different than those who don’t.  Actually, I’m pretty sure they are different.  I had to remind myself yesterday as I was copying out of list of 50 things you can control.  It’s amazing what you cannot control when the filter you see life through is depression.  It’s crazy really.  Anyway, I liked this picture I came across.  It fit well with the majority of my days….esp the high anxiety days.  I hope your day is going well friends!  Take it like I try to do…a day at a time.

It’s Been a Very Long Time!

But I am back and I am going to try something.  I guess it was three years ago now that I started following a new blog at the time called A Grace Journey of Learning to Live Loved.  I had heard of Mike Zenker though Steve McVey and Grace Walk.  He is the head of Grace Walk Canada.  I haven’t gone back and listened or read any of it yet, so I’m not sure if Mike did this series because it was around the Lent season but nonetheless, He started a series called a 40 Day Faith-bit Grace Journey.  I decided tonight while I was lying in bed not being able to sleep that this is what I need to do.  I need to take this journey again and what a great idea for me to share it with you.  I will reblog them daily starting tomorrow.  The first two might be on the same day.  I will try and coincide it with Lent.  I may or may not succeed.  I will also share my thoughts…maybe and I pray that I will be able to do this.  Depression and Anxiety have had a hold on me for so long and stolen so much from me.  I just want it back.  No, I don’t what what I had back, I want more.  The struggle is real friends, but I will do this and as the days go by I will explain to you why it is important for me to do this.  I don’t usually do posts at night and publish them but tonight I will.  It feels nice to type again and maybe through this journey, I can learn to be transparent and actually do some of the writing I so desire to do.  Good night precious friends.  It’s good to be back!

Thursday Night Thoughts

Hi, Friend!  I am failing miserably at this whole Joy Dare Thing on here so I will end it for now.  I’m better off stopping now and carrying on rather than beating myself up, which is what I do.  I am just too tired to think.  I haven’t had a decent sleep for weeks ( literally) and depression is at my door the last few days so frankly, all my energy is being used to keep it at bay.  I have never been a good sleeper.  The years that Wally was drinking, I not only didn’t sleep but I had major anxiety too.  I still get night time anxiety but not near as bad as it used to be.  I wonder if this is one of these things that is part of healing?  It seems like it never ends, but freedom is worth fighting for so I keep on keeping on.

I was reading our local obituaries and noticed that a lovely lady that I loved passed away this week.  She was 98 turning 99 in August.  Our birthdays are the same month but she is exactly 50 years older than me.  We celebrated them together two years in a row a few years ago.  It made me kind of sad but it made me remember her too and the time we spent together…going for meals and praying.  She was sweet.  ❤

I guess that’s about it.  I thought I had more to say and maybe I would have if I had written my blog first before listening to an episode of The Inglorious Pasterds. 🙂  Now I am just too bagged.  It is 10:32 and I might just head to bed which is very unusual for me since I don’t usually go to bed until between 12 and 1 am.  I figure there is no point laying in bed staying awake for hours on end.  I have started using oils and night and putting relaxing meditation music on.  Can’t hurt, right?

Good night friend!  I’ll post a couple pics I took last night.  I loves you!

Day 20: Last Time I Cried

It was two weeks ago at my appointment with the Diabetic Nurse. I was ashamed, embarrassed and felt like a complete failure. Originally when I found out I was diabetic it was all about exercising and eating right. What they failed to tell me was it ain’t easy. At the time I found out I was diabetic I was starting counselling for depression, sick and tired of an alcoholic husband and enabling him and worse of all, found out I was in that “perimenopause” time. UGH! Never mind the fact that I wasn’t active before all this. So then, finding out I was diabetic and gung ho on eating right and walking. I was good for a while. Winter comes ( horrible for depression ), motivations goes, Fitbit breaks. So many excuses and yet, it’s life and it happens.

You know, I am not looking for advice when I share this with you. In fact, I don’t necessarily appreciate it because you don’t know what I have tried and why I haven’t tried something else. It’s one thing to share what has worked for you in similar circumstances and I am all for that so long as it isn’t trying to “fix” me.  My story is more than the surface of what I share here. It goes deep into the whys and hows and there is much healing that needs to take place and is taking place, as I speak. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I have no desire to do anything. That is ok. It’s my story, it’s my life. It’s one of the reasons I quit sharing in the past. Anyway, the truth is, this blog isn’t meant for me to look for answers so much is it is meant for someone who is reading it to know that they are not alone. S$%t happens. Life happens. Sometimes there are answers and sometimes we just have to sit back and wait for it to calm down. And sometimes, that is what our whole life is…back and forth.

We can’t sit in this place for long though. We have to remember the part that life does go on. We need to go on. This moment will fade away into another moment and it may be better. That is why we can’t dwell on the yuckiness we feel. It is only very recently that I can say and truly believe, in the moment, that it will be ok. I will be ok.

So, I cried to Leslie (nurse) and she reassured me that I was doing fine and to make small changes at a time. I left there feeling way better. I bought a new Fitbit and I have been making small changes again. A little bit at a time, I am feeling better. Spring is here and that helps. It’s actually sunny today and I can hear all the birds ( and the cows will soon be here!) and last night I was out with one of our dogs and we listened to the frogs, the night time birds and the coyote puppies. Yes, Spring is here and I am so thankful!

Friend, you are Amazing! There is not enough ANYTHING that can measure up to the Importance and the Worth that you are. I know what it feels to feel less than. It is a daily struggle I have. It needn’t be though and I am in healing. You can be too.

Have a Super Duper Blessed day my Amazing Friend! I loves you!

Day 18: Things That Make Me Scared

Keep in mind when I am sharing things on my blog I am sharing them from my perspective and my life and the issues I talk about may look different from how you see them. Even though I am (de) and (re)constructing my religious beliefs right now, doesn’t mean that my faith is not important to me anymore or that my relationship with God is severed or anything like that, it just means, in my mind, that the Truth is becoming realer and righter to me.   🙂

This question can and does go hand in hand with yesterday’s blog.

Things that make me scared:

1.The thought that I will have to live with depression for the rest of my life and go on drugs for it. I don’t like that thought at all and brings some fear to my life. I have a taken a few kinds of antidepressants and they were awful. In my case, I believe my depression goes hand in hand with my religious beliefs and I have found as I am learning new things ( that I am Truly Truly loved) and realizing some of the lies I have been taught, my depression has been less. Maybe it is just wishful thinking but this is one of these issues that..this is how I see my depression.

2.The thought of going back to the lifestyle we had when my husband was drinking. Meaning, Wally drinking again. I hate that idea and it scares me.

NOW…I want to talk about both of these fears. Do you notice I start them with “The thought”? I am already giving these issues fear over me because I am thinking about them. I will go as far to say is I am already formulating ideas in my head as to how to deal with them. THAT my friends is called “future tripping” and it is a bad bad idea! Neither one of these things have happened and to be honest, there is no reason that I can see that they will happen in the unforeseeable future. So, I live my days as if they have or will happen and then if all of a sudden it does, I live through it a second time. It is so stupid and it is something I have done my whole entire life. I have killed people off during these thoughts. It is so nasty and might I say, more common than I have ever known. So many of us are missing out on our lives…the here and now .because we are so concerned about what “might” happen. It totally blows me away. I have no control over either of these issues. Maybe, in a way, the first one, but definitely not the second one. A few months ago I was fretting over my fear of my hubby drinking again. I was in rough shape because it definitely makes me physically ill because of the anxiety. All of sudden I heard “I will always be with you and take care of you.” God reminded me that I was never alone. If the time ever comes, I will be ok.

You know, this moment is the only one I am guaranteed. We never know what will come and when our time on this earth is done. We have right now. Join me friends in living it with Thanksgiving rather than worrying about the future. For now, it will be ok. ❤

Happy Tuesday coming from a very snowy Central Alberta, Canada. Brrrrrrr I loves you!

Day 6: My Relationship With Food

This is one I was dreading answering especially since I had an appointment yesterday with our local diabetic nurse. She was so sweet and helpful. It isn’t the first time I met her. When I was first diagnosed with type 2 diabetes I went to her and she helped me with what diabetes was and what the numbers meant and put me in contact with the dietitian that’s in the same office. I then called her a few months later and felt like she was brushing me off. It was a few years ago that I learned I was diabetic and I started off really good with learning how to deal with it…how to eat, what to eat, how to exercise and how much and of course checking my sugar. It became such a burden and I would crave sweets and carbs and junk food eat them. I am an emotional eater and I have depression…they do NOT go hand in hand with diabetes. I especially emotional eat when I am all alone (even though I like to be alone). It’s almost like “since no one is here, no one will know” then I wonder why I am sick and why my numbers are high. Unfortunately, the food I choose during these times is not salad or cucumbers (imagine that)! Nope. Chips, chocolate bars and candy, never mind hamburgers, fries and pizza. Ugh. Yes, I even have a junk food stash going sometimes. Last night I threw it out.

I am so filled with guilt because of what I purposely do with my emotional eating AND have diabetes. Seriously though! “Loser city!” I sometimes think. So….I had this appointment today and ever since I made it I wanted to cancel it. My Dr. Suggested that I go and talk to her since my numbers were climbing. I didn’t cancel though because I knew this was a case of doing the opposite of what I wanted. I’m so glad I went.

First of all, I was expecting my numbers to be way high…but they weren’t. They are sneaking up bit by bit so what I needed was to talk and TALK I did. And I cried. I cried for the whole first hour. Not ugly crying, just tears. I hate crying…I totally hate it and see it as a weakness on my part. UGH. I really am so amazed at how hard I am on myself. I would never set these standards for my kids or anyone I loved. I just can’t believe I set them so high for myself. I have tried my whole life to be perfect. I have tried my whole life to be good at something and not just good….PERFECT. It’s crazy really. Back to my appointment. 🙂 Leslie (the nurse) reassured me that I was doing fine and she told me just how NORMAL I was in comparison to other diabetic women that come to see her. I kind of surprised her that I was willing to put all the blame on me (I am in control of my own actions and I do the cooking and grocery shopping in the house). I know what I need to do and I know how to do it. I also told her that I now understand why some cancer patients (including lung cancer) do not quit smoking. I so get that now. I’m not proud of it but it is what it is.

I have to be so careful not to compare myself to others I know who are diabetic. I know some who are soooooo disciplined at everything about it. Leslie reminded me that personality plays into it as well. She also reminded me that I am dealing with pain, depression and perimenopause and encouraged me to look at my diabetes from a daily perspective instead of the big picture. What a great idea! That is how I was taught to deal with my depression too.

After my appointment, I went to buy a Fitbit but the store didn’t have one so they ordered one in for me so it should be here next week. I used to have one and it wore out. I loved it. I was motivated by the numbers. I also plan to take my binder out in the morning and get my butt in gear with some meal and snack planning. Time to reeducate myself, take the bull by the horns, pull up my big girl panties and do what only I can do…and that is take care of me.

I wasn’t planning on getting so personal but there you have it….MOI and my relationship with food!

Happy eating friends!!! I loves you (as I take a drink of my Perrier!)