Day 18: 40 Day Grace Journey

via Day 18: Our Focus Determines What We Grow Into

FANTASTIC!  I love this post so much today!  Once again….it’s laid out perfectly.  On the other hand, I have to be careful I don’t see it as a to-do list.  Like Mike explains, this is what will naturally happen because of Christ in you.  That’s such a huge difference to me and yet when I look at it, I can see I am still a child mainly.  I see glimmers of a young adult and that gives me hope but I also can see why I am still at the child stage.  I’m ok with this, mostly.  As long as I see it for what it is then I will be fine.  I sometimes wonder if and how depression  can change some of this.  It’s hard to be focused on others when you are depressed.  You really have to fight your way through it.  Yeah, so I have some questions about it all, but that’s fine.  God is good with that.  🙂

Sitting here waiting for the snow.  We have a snow warning out but I don’t think we will get it as bad as they are saying.  I hope so anyways but if not…what can I do?  Shovel my way out I guess.

Have a super day friends.  Enjoy the end of another week!

Day 8: Someone Who Inspires Me

A few people come to mind when with this question. In fact, there are two people in my life that are total inspirations to me that I was going to write about. I have decided not to. They know who they are and I try to tell them and show them often. There are some things and for some reasons that it is too precious and sweet to me to share. Maybe one day.

Instead I will write about three people whom I see daily and that would be my family. The older they all get it seems the more I am inspired by them. I will be honest and say that it’s a fairly new thing for me to be inspired by my husband but when I see how he has overcome alcoholism and I see that others who are still drinking are reaching out to him not only for help it seems but to be his friend( and perhaps have the peace that he does), I am so proud of him. I also see him as a new man since we have been on our spiritual journey…Grace Journey I call it. It just amazes me that he is so patient with me. That is very inspiring to me. I always wished and dreamed for the day that he was “the spiritual leader” in the house and now I see just how ridiculous I was in wanting that. I wanted what I saw that others had as a “spiritual leader.” Now I know that that isn’t the way it is. He teaches me the most by what he stays silent about and what he does talk about he is well informed about. I am so proud of him. He Inspires Me.

My oldest son (20 years old) is a welder in training and a comedian. In fact he took his brother out and was performing last night when I wrote this. I think his biggest fan is his little brother. ❤ Even though I don’t agree with everything he says and does; even though he still stresses me out, I am more and more proud of him asI see how he makes some of his decisions and choices and why he does some of the things he does. He is such a hard worker and from the time he started working for the family business almost four years ago he has grown in leaps and bounds in his welding and other mechanics. He is go getter and since the time he turned 18 he has been chasing his dream to become a famous comedian. He has improved in that as well. Truth be told, I have never seen him perform. I am afraid of not laughing. Oh the joys of being a mom to a comedian. Not only that, I think I give his some good material. Lol He Inspires Me.

My youngest son is 17. He does not have his driver’s license yet but once he does I think he will be working elsewhere. He isn’t so much interested in the family business. I guess we will see. He is able to get his license in September of this year. I have this fear as a homeschool teacher that he won’t know enough for “life”. Kind of silly but it’s about my own insecurities. My goodness, the things that boy knows just blows me away and come out at the most opportune times. Of course the joke is he learned it on either The Simpsons or Corner Gas. Maybe it’s not a joke. Lol He makes me laugh. He has a great sense of humour like his brother and loves to go to the shows that are not in a bar (since he isn’t 18 years old yet). He loves helping people and has a unique way of making them feel like they are important. I love that about him and it seems that many people do including people he has just met. He Inspires Me.

In this time of life when my family can and do put up with my depression, my moods, my being a worried mom and wife, me just being crazy ole me…I love them more than I ever thought I could love any human beings. I know I drive them nuts most of the time but I know they let me because they want to eat and for me to take care of their home needs (within reason as the kids can do and so much themselves). We have a good thing going with mutual love and respect.

I love where we are at life right now. I love how we can all be friends and yet the respect for me as Mom is still there. I like to think I had a hand in that but I’m ok if I didn’t. I’m just so happy that I am inspired by my family. They Inspire Me.

Have a Great day friends and have fun this weekend!  I Loves You!

Day 5: Someone I Miss

That’s an easy one, unfortunately. It’s a question that is usually asked that brings lots of faces and memories to mind. Whether you miss them because of death or moving or just moving on, whether it brings tears or laughter, it pretty much always brings several of them and always makes us think.

In my case today, the man I miss passed away March 28, 2008 from cancer. My Uncle Ron. He was one of my Mom’s  brothers. I live in Alberta and he lived in Surrey, British Columbia. I actually lived with him and my Auntie Phyllis for a while in my early twenties. I don’t know about you but I tend to feel like an outcast in groups. I think it’s probably because I am shy and an extreme introvert. I have no problem staying perfectly silent all evening. In fact, I learn a lot. I don’t know if it was my shyness or what but for some reason my Uncle always paid attention to me when we were visiting them, even as a kid. He didn’t do it in a nasty way, but in a way that made me feel like I worth something. It’s hard to explain. Instead of trying to change me and make me “not shy” he worked with me where I was at and showed me that I was special. Because of that, I took a shining to him and felt like “I was his favorite.” This was the same as an adult. I never felt like I had to be someone I wasn’t. He never made me feel ashamed of who I was and didn’t compare me to others. He took me at face value and valued me.

I was so devastated when he died of cancer. It’s like a part of me died as well. Not only that, one of the only people that truly accepted and loved me for who I was…introverted and shy and everything on top of that…gone. I’m so thankful that I was able to spend some time with him a year or so before while I was at a retreat in Richmond BC. That’s where the picture is from. It was a super duper great time that I will always cherish. You know what, I still believe I was his favorite and I will always believe that.:) I’m looking forward to seeing him again one day.

An honorary mention is someone I used to know 31 years ago. I met him when we both worked on the Suicide Crisis Line. His name was David and he was such a great guy. Our regular callers loved him and so did all the rest of us volunteers. I loved working nights with him because of the conversation. In fact, he is the person who in a way, introduced me to Jesus. I say, in a way because I was raised Catholic and so I knew Jesus, but not in the Evangelical way. I didn’t know Him personally. Anyway he was an addict survivor. The last time I saw him he had went back to Ontario for his Dad’s funeral (who died of lung cancer) and then next thing I know I was reading an Obituary in the paper that he had passed away of cancer too. He died of the same cancer that his Dad did, and less than a year apart. My heart truly broke when I learned of his death. I really felt for his Mom too. She had lost another son years before when he was hit by a train and then in less than a year her husband and son passed away. I wrote her a little note and got the sweetest reply from her.

There you have it. Now I am sad. I have great memories though with both of these men and I will see them again. But for now, the memories will make me laugh and cry and life will go on.

Hug your loved ones close!!! I loves you!

My Mommy Heart

When you put your child into kindergarten; that first day you follow the bus to their school to make sure the bus makes it there (yes, I did)….you never think that one day they will grow up. We live life one day at a time, getting through the days: wiping noses, changing diapers, driving them here, there and everywhere. All of sudden they have their learners license and then their drivers’ and then they are driving you (yikes!) It’s easy to look back on the years and have regrets and wish you had done (something) different but it’s too late AND you need to remember that you did what you thought was right at the time. Have no regrets.

I made a conscious decision of enjoying every stage my kids were at. I can look back and see some hard times that I wish I had…..but I stop myself. I offer myself grace. “You did the best you could. “ I loved every stage. Being a stay at home mom has had a lot of perks that I am so thankful for. It wasn’t always easy and frankly, I think I missed out on some things. That’s ok though. I can’t understand why woman have to hurt each other because of choices they make staying at home or working out of the home. We make our choices based on so many issues and reasons no one else may even know. Why do we judge each other? Why can’t we just support each other?

My oldest son is 20. He dropped out of high school. He finished grade 10 and is working as a welder with his dad (and the plan is to go to school…hopefully Jan 2108). I homeschooled him through grades 6 and 9 and he went to the local high school in grade 10 because he wanted to play football. What a mistake that was. The very boys he went for, bullied him. That very quickly ended his high school career. He’s a Stand up Comic working on becoming big. He works hard.

My other son is 17. I homeschooled him through grades 4-current. He is in grade 11. We only have one more year to go. He chose not to go to the local high school. I am glad for that. I have a lot regrets about how I homeschooled and yet, I did what I knew, with guidance from a wonderful wonderful facilitator. I would do it different if I could go back and yet…maybe I wouldn’t. My 17 year old is waiting in anticipation to get his driver’s license. He waited so he got it late. He plans to look for a job. He isn’t so interested in working with his brother and dad full-time.

So here I am. Almost done grade 11 and then grade 12. The next year will go so fast. Married coming on 22 years this year. It’s a weird place to be and I never ever thought that first day I put my son in kindergarten, that I would be at this point, looking at two young men who I love as much today as I did then.

My Mommy heart is hurting today but it’s very full. I am so blessed.

Count Your blessings friends. There are many. I loves you!