Being Loved

I had to stop and cry in the middle of cutting vegetables tonight. I became so overwhelmed at how special it was and how special I felt to be so loved by my grandson, Donovan. I went shopping today with him and his mama. I went along so I could keep him occupied in secondhand stores. Frankly, I loved it. He is such a well behaved boy when we are out.

While I was cutting vegetables, I went though my day in my head. I thought of the times that Dono played shy and how it was me that he clung to ( just because I was closest out of me and his mom). I’m not saying he chose me over his mom, I’m saying that I was good enough and that he felt safe with me. That is who and what I want to be and what I want to provide….safety.

I was in a self-compassion workshop this week. We talked about values and we talked about learning to love ourselves the way we are loved by someone else. When I think of the way that Dono looked to me for safety and love today, it really overwhelmed me on this realm as well. Could I really learn to love myself that much?

I think I will stay on this path. It felt really good to be loved that way. Can you even imagine how good it would feel if I could always feel that loved, by me?

TTFN

Lex

Follow up

Good grief! It’s been so long since I’ve blogged here I forget how to use WordPress. To be honest, I never was really able to totally grasp it. When I post a blog, I usually set it up as my feature post so I can find it. I didn’t do that on my last post just before I ate supper. I’ll have to find it and link it here. LOL

I feel I was so hasty and in the “moment ” when I posted that I felt a follow up was needed. Here’s the link to it: https://wordlyrandom.wordpress.com/2021/07/13/still-devastated/

I wanted to follow up to say that yes, I’m devastated still and it’s preventing me from going on Twitter and at the same time, I’m grieving for my friend in healthy ways along with therapy and other means of healing. Steve started me in the journey of healing, as my life coach a few years ago. He encouraged me to go into therapy which has been the best thing I’ve ever done. Maybe I’ll get more into that.

Honestly though, I don’t know what I want to do with my blog. I’m not sure what to write about but I feel me starting to write again ( I have two books I am at the very beginning stages), that it can be my way to pay homage to Steve. I forgot to say, he is an author. I will link some links from amazon of his books.

Catching Your Breath

Hiding in the Pews: Shining Light on Mental Illness in the Church

Anyway, this is my follow up. Hopefully I will post this one properly. LOL

TTFN

Lex

Ah…..Life!

I had my last visit with our homeschool facilitator,ever.  Danny finishes grade 12 in about a month or less.  No more prepping for the new year or lesson plans.  It’s a strange place to be.  There are lots of big changes and I can’t say that I am too thrilled about them.  I’m sure they will work out somewhat, but I like to know what’s happening and the result or else I panic.  Needless to say, I’m pretty much always in panic mode.

Danny is job hunting.  He has put in so many resumes and changed them even a couple times.  I sure hope he finds something soon.  The future is so bright for him as an 18 year old.  He has his whole life ahead of him and I’m so happy for him that he is entering this time of life.  He told the facilitator yesterday that he was feeling a little bitter sweet but yeah, so am I.  I guess to me that a sign that what we have done together as a teacher/student duo went well and hopefully he won’t have too many bad memories of this time.

I don’t know what’s next for me or for my future but I guess for now, I will enjoy summer and maybe some ideas will show themselves!

TTFN

Thursday Night Thoughts

Hi, Friend!  I am failing miserably at this whole Joy Dare Thing on here so I will end it for now.  I’m better off stopping now and carrying on rather than beating myself up, which is what I do.  I am just too tired to think.  I haven’t had a decent sleep for weeks ( literally) and depression is at my door the last few days so frankly, all my energy is being used to keep it at bay.  I have never been a good sleeper.  The years that Wally was drinking, I not only didn’t sleep but I had major anxiety too.  I still get night time anxiety but not near as bad as it used to be.  I wonder if this is one of these things that is part of healing?  It seems like it never ends, but freedom is worth fighting for so I keep on keeping on.

I was reading our local obituaries and noticed that a lovely lady that I loved passed away this week.  She was 98 turning 99 in August.  Our birthdays are the same month but she is exactly 50 years older than me.  We celebrated them together two years in a row a few years ago.  It made me kind of sad but it made me remember her too and the time we spent together…going for meals and praying.  She was sweet.  ❤

I guess that’s about it.  I thought I had more to say and maybe I would have if I had written my blog first before listening to an episode of The Inglorious Pasterds. 🙂  Now I am just too bagged.  It is 10:32 and I might just head to bed which is very unusual for me since I don’t usually go to bed until between 12 and 1 am.  I figure there is no point laying in bed staying awake for hours on end.  I have started using oils and night and putting relaxing meditation music on.  Can’t hurt, right?

Good night friend!  I’ll post a couple pics I took last night.  I loves you!

Joy Dare Notes

It’s an interesting thing, this Gratitude challenge.  It is Day 6 and out of 6, I missed 2.  The whole idea of looking for something, in particular, is kind of a hard thing to get used to. After I am done writing this blog I will use my weekly Joy Dare list as the background on my phone; then I will see it and remember.  It’s like starting a new habit.  I won’t chalk this up to failure yet.

It’s a beautiful Saturday here in Central Alberta.  My husband is working today ( and tomorrow).  My kids are both sleeping.  It’s so normal calling them “my kids” and yet when I do that on social media it makes them sound younger than they are.  They are 20 and 17.  I don’t plan to wake them up anytime soon ( it’s 10:30).  No huge plans today.  I might do a load or two of laundry and I need to go into town for a few things.  That’s about it.  I don’t lead a real exciting life.  🙂

Our landlords should be bringing their cows over soon.  We usually get them in Spring until Fall.  We love having them around.  We are kind of cow nerds ( my husband more than I).

Oh yeah.  Yesterday I sent in school registration for the very last time!  Grade 12.  With all the changes happening to homeschooling in Alberta, I am so thankful we are getting out of it now.  It’s way easier to come into these changes rather than being in the system already, set on a certain way of doing things and then all of a sudden having to change.  I agree with some of the changes but disagree with others.  Luckily, for us, we can do things the same we have all the way through high school.

Well, that’s enough rambling for now.  Have a great day friend!  Don’t forget how loved and amazing you are.  I loves you!

Day 14: Why Am I Doing This Challenge?

One word: Discipline

It probably would have been even better with Accountability but I didn’t want guilt. “A writer should write every day.” That’s what you read everywhere. I don’t. Well, I do now and chances are, with this challenge, I will have the habit of writing daily. I kind of like the idea of a topic too but I don’t want to tie myself too much. Easy does it.

I am one of those many people out there that start something BUT tend not to finish. Intentions are good, but well, that’s all they are, intentions. Feb and March I did the Minimalism Game. The idea is to get rid of your possessions every day; the number based on the date. On the 1^st, get rid of one thing, on the 5^th get rid of 5 things…all the way to 28 and 31 (Feb and March). I did it! For April I wanted to keep the momentum going of doing something daily. This is what I chose. Not only is it good for discipline but it is good for so much more. See Day 13: “Why Do I Blog?”.

I have to say I am at a place in life that following a Challenge like this is something I actually want to do. I am finding some of the days harder than others. I can’t believe that I didn’t pick questions and topics that would be easy for me. LOL I am also finding that I am being more transparent in ways I wasn’t planning to. I had a plan NOT to be too open and yet as I write on some of the topics/questions I find that I almost have to share something I wasn’t planning because it is part of the answer and it just fits. I will continue on this path. 🙂

ADVICE: On another note….if your husband finally decides he is going to clean the top of his dresser…put aside a full afternoon for changing your bedroom around. While you are at it, when your son decides to do his laundry, don’t forget that you have to pay attention to when the cycle starts so you can turn the water off since it doesn’t do it on it’s own anymore ( well, sometimes it does). If you get distracted then because you are changing your room around (starting from the top of the dresser) you will come out and find water everywhere. BUT, you will be thankful because the water isn’t too dirty and the floor does look cleaner now, though you have tonnes of more laundry to clean because of all the towels and stuff you used to sop up the water. You are VERY welcome for the advice! ❤

Have a great day friends. It is Good Friday. I loves you.

Day 13: Why Do I Blog

Why do I blog? I started in 2007 or 2008. I actually don’t remember why I started blogging but I do remember why I stopped blogging. Facebook.

First of all, I was on it too much to even take time out to write. The times I did take time out I didn’t have anything to say or I would be drawn back in. I guess it isn’t Facebook (itself) fault as much as it was my fault and the way I saw, used and was affected by it.

I think in the beginning I just wanted to write and share. I have always liked writing and what a fine way to portray that; to act that out, than to have a blog. I never had a huge following but I thought what I had to say had some merit. In the years since I started one that whole merit thingy idea has fluctuated, depending on where I was in life and what was going on and where I was with my depression.

I never went longer than a few months without blogging but I definitely didn’t do much in the last few years. There was something almost therapeutic when I deleted my Laundry Queen Blog and started this one. It was like a new beginning to me. I am in a new and different place in life now so it seemed like a change was necessary PLUS my title came from all the laundry I had to do with our family of four, now I only do it for my husband and me. KA CHING! THAT is another perk of your kids growing up! 🙂

I call myself a writer because I write, not because of the way I write. I tend to compare myself to others and I see such professionalism in the way some people write. I write the way I talk and think. If I was to write down my thoughts, well, I guess I am. 🙂 These are the same words I think. Interestingly enough, my son writes the same way. I was I little concerned when we sent our homeschool facilitator his short story. I thought it was fantastic, quite outstanding actually. When we handed it in I was thinking of some writing projects I did in grade 12 that weren’t that well accepted because of the style. My teacher did comment though that I was a good writer with a good imagination (though, I haven’t done much writing in fiction since). Anyway, our facilitator loved my son’s story. He was thrilled.

I blog now because I love to write.

I blog now because the words are coming and I want to type them while I can and while they are there. I blog now because it brings me joy and makes me happy.

I blog now because this is the first time in years and years and years that I have felt this good and I want to take advantage of every moment that I have.

I blog now because I am doing something for me; something therapeutic that is bringing healing to my life and I know I still have a ways to go to complete healing, but in that process, I have found something that I had never had before and that is a piece of who Alexis truly is.

That is why I blog.

All the Glory goes to God ❤

Have a Terrific Thursday! I loves you!