Ah…..Life!

I had my last visit with our homeschool facilitator,ever.  Danny finishes grade 12 in about a month or less.  No more prepping for the new year or lesson plans.  It’s a strange place to be.  There are lots of big changes and I can’t say that I am too thrilled about them.  I’m sure they will work out somewhat, but I like to know what’s happening and the result or else I panic.  Needless to say, I’m pretty much always in panic mode.

Danny is job hunting.  He has put in so many resumes and changed them even a couple times.  I sure hope he finds something soon.  The future is so bright for him as an 18 year old.  He has his whole life ahead of him and I’m so happy for him that he is entering this time of life.  He told the facilitator yesterday that he was feeling a little bitter sweet but yeah, so am I.  I guess to me that a sign that what we have done together as a teacher/student duo went well and hopefully he won’t have too many bad memories of this time.

I don’t know what’s next for me or for my future but I guess for now, I will enjoy summer and maybe some ideas will show themselves!

TTFN

Thursday Night Thoughts

Hi, Friend!  I am failing miserably at this whole Joy Dare Thing on here so I will end it for now.  I’m better off stopping now and carrying on rather than beating myself up, which is what I do.  I am just too tired to think.  I haven’t had a decent sleep for weeks ( literally) and depression is at my door the last few days so frankly, all my energy is being used to keep it at bay.  I have never been a good sleeper.  The years that Wally was drinking, I not only didn’t sleep but I had major anxiety too.  I still get night time anxiety but not near as bad as it used to be.  I wonder if this is one of these things that is part of healing?  It seems like it never ends, but freedom is worth fighting for so I keep on keeping on.

I was reading our local obituaries and noticed that a lovely lady that I loved passed away this week.  She was 98 turning 99 in August.  Our birthdays are the same month but she is exactly 50 years older than me.  We celebrated them together two years in a row a few years ago.  It made me kind of sad but it made me remember her too and the time we spent together…going for meals and praying.  She was sweet.  ❤

I guess that’s about it.  I thought I had more to say and maybe I would have if I had written my blog first before listening to an episode of The Inglorious Pasterds. 🙂  Now I am just too bagged.  It is 10:32 and I might just head to bed which is very unusual for me since I don’t usually go to bed until between 12 and 1 am.  I figure there is no point laying in bed staying awake for hours on end.  I have started using oils and night and putting relaxing meditation music on.  Can’t hurt, right?

Good night friend!  I’ll post a couple pics I took last night.  I loves you!

Joy Dare Notes

It’s an interesting thing, this Gratitude challenge.  It is Day 6 and out of 6, I missed 2.  The whole idea of looking for something, in particular, is kind of a hard thing to get used to. After I am done writing this blog I will use my weekly Joy Dare list as the background on my phone; then I will see it and remember.  It’s like starting a new habit.  I won’t chalk this up to failure yet.

It’s a beautiful Saturday here in Central Alberta.  My husband is working today ( and tomorrow).  My kids are both sleeping.  It’s so normal calling them “my kids” and yet when I do that on social media it makes them sound younger than they are.  They are 20 and 17.  I don’t plan to wake them up anytime soon ( it’s 10:30).  No huge plans today.  I might do a load or two of laundry and I need to go into town for a few things.  That’s about it.  I don’t lead a real exciting life.  🙂

Our landlords should be bringing their cows over soon.  We usually get them in Spring until Fall.  We love having them around.  We are kind of cow nerds ( my husband more than I).

Oh yeah.  Yesterday I sent in school registration for the very last time!  Grade 12.  With all the changes happening to homeschooling in Alberta, I am so thankful we are getting out of it now.  It’s way easier to come into these changes rather than being in the system already, set on a certain way of doing things and then all of a sudden having to change.  I agree with some of the changes but disagree with others.  Luckily, for us, we can do things the same we have all the way through high school.

Well, that’s enough rambling for now.  Have a great day friend!  Don’t forget how loved and amazing you are.  I loves you!

Day 14: Why Am I Doing This Challenge?

One word: Discipline

It probably would have been even better with Accountability but I didn’t want guilt. “A writer should write every day.” That’s what you read everywhere. I don’t. Well, I do now and chances are, with this challenge, I will have the habit of writing daily. I kind of like the idea of a topic too but I don’t want to tie myself too much. Easy does it.

I am one of those many people out there that start something BUT tend not to finish. Intentions are good, but well, that’s all they are, intentions. Feb and March I did the Minimalism Game. The idea is to get rid of your possessions every day; the number based on the date. On the 1st, get rid of one thing, on the 5th get rid of 5 things…all the way to 28 and 31 (Feb and March). I did it! For April I wanted to keep the momentum going of doing something daily. This is what I chose. Not only is it good for discipline but it is good for so much more. See Day 13: “Why Do I Blog?”.

I have to say I am at a place in life that following a Challenge like this is something I actually want to do. I am finding some of the days harder than others. I can’t believe that I didn’t pick questions and topics that would be easy for me. LOL I am also finding that I am being more transparent in ways I wasn’t planning to. I had a plan NOT to be too open and yet as I write on some of the topics/questions I find that I almost have to share something I wasn’t planning because it is part of the answer and it just fits. I will continue on this path. 🙂

ADVICE: On another note….if your husband finally decides he is going to clean the top of his dresser…put aside a full afternoon for changing your bedroom around. While you are at it, when your son decides to do his laundry, don’t forget that you have to pay attention to when the cycle starts so you can turn the water off since it doesn’t do it on it’s own anymore ( well, sometimes it does). If you get distracted then because you are changing your room around (starting from the top of the dresser) you will come out and find water everywhere. BUT, you will be thankful because the water isn’t too dirty and the floor does look cleaner now, though you have tonnes of more laundry to clean because of all the towels and stuff you used to sop up the water. You are VERY welcome for the advice! ❤

Have a great day friends. It is Good Friday. I loves you.

Day 13: Why Do I Blog

Why do I blog? I started in 2007 or 2008. I actually don’t remember why I started blogging but I do remember why I stopped blogging. Facebook.

First of all, I was on it too much to even take time out to write. The times I did take time out I didn’t have anything to say or I would be drawn back in. I guess it isn’t Facebook (itself) fault as much as it was my fault and the way I saw, used and was affected by it.

I think in the beginning I just wanted to write and share. I have always liked writing and what a fine way to portray that; to act that out, than to have a blog. I never had a huge following but I thought what I had to say had some merit. In the years since I started one that whole merit thingy idea has fluctuated, depending on where I was in life and what was going on and where I was with my depression.

I never went longer than a few months without blogging but I definitely didn’t do much in the last few years. There was something almost therapeutic when I deleted my Laundry Queen Blog and started this one. It was like a new beginning to me. I am in a new and different place in life now so it seemed like a change was necessary PLUS my title came from all the laundry I had to do with our family of four, now I only do it for my husband and me. KA CHING! THAT is another perk of your kids growing up! 🙂

I call myself a writer because I write, not because of the way I write. I tend to compare myself to others and I see such professionalism in the way some people write. I write the way I talk and think. If I was to write down my thoughts, well, I guess I am. 🙂 These are the same words I think. Interestingly enough, my son writes the same way. I was I little concerned when we sent our homeschool facilitator his short story. I thought it was fantastic, quite outstanding actually. When we handed it in I was thinking of some writing projects I did in grade 12 that weren’t that well accepted because of the style. My teacher did comment though that I was a good writer with a good imagination (though, I haven’t done much writing in fiction since). Anyway, our facilitator loved my son’s story. He was thrilled.

I blog now because I love to write.

I blog now because the words are coming and I want to type them while I can and while they are there. I blog now because it brings me joy and makes me happy.

I blog now because this is the first time in years and years and years that I have felt this good and I want to take advantage of every moment that I have.

I blog now because I am doing something for me; something therapeutic that is bringing healing to my life and I know I still have a ways to go to complete healing, but in that process, I have found something that I had never had before and that is a piece of who Alexis truly is.

That is why I blog.

All the Glory goes to God ❤

Have a Terrific Thursday! I loves you!

Favorite Superhero and Why

This is the toughest one yet.  One of my favorite movie genres ( Musicals being number one ) is Superhero movies.  That is probably not even a genre but for today’s blog, let’s call it one.  🙂  There is nothing better to me than a superhero coming to the rescue of someone in need.  I don’t really have a favorite though.

Spiderman has grown on me over the years.  There have been so many versions of them and my boys have loved watching them and playing the video games too.  I love his smart alecness ( I don’t think that’s a word but you know what I’m saying….right?).  I guess in a way his humor reminds me of the humor we have here at home.

I have always liked Superman.  The only one I have seen is Christopher Reeve playing him.  As a woman, I love everything about his character; from his shy nerdy look in the office to his humble masculinity as he rescues Lois Lane (over and over again).  As a little girl, I always wanted that kind of superman to fly into my life.  I think most of us did.

In this day and age, I see a lot of examples of superheroes.  I think in some ways, we have all had to be one even if we didn’t see ourselves as one.  When we take one more step of courage in depression, pain, or any kind of chronic pain or disease, we are being a superhero.  Think of parents fighting through the illnesses of their children.  Not only do you have the child fighting you have the parents…fighting for them.  How about the addict who is trying to quit?  Even though she fails sometimes, she is still trying.  How about the more obvious ones, Firefighters, Police Officers, and EMTs.  I really could go on and on.  There are superheroes all around us.  Superheroes inspire ( with or without knowing ); they are fighters when they have to be and lovers when they need to be. They are you and me.

There is a good chance, without you even knowing it my friend, that YOU are someone’s superhero.  Have a super duper blessed day!  I loves you!

Day 11: A Habit I Wish I Didn’t Have

I didn’t know what to pick. I have so many. 🙂 I will choose one based on a comment I made at the end of my last post and happiness. One of my worse habits is pushing down my emotions. Truth is, I push them all down whether they are good or bad emotions. It was interesting when I was in counseling, we talked about emotions and I was asked to name some. The only ones I could name were the negative ones. I felt them all the time but the anger I stuffed, as well as any happy emotions. I guess I just didn’t feel worthy of being happy.

I would like to think that this has changed by now but it hasn’t, much. I’m very careful, first of all, about who sees any of my emotions. If I feel unsafe in any way…it’s gone. Pushed deep into me. When I was out walking the other day, it was just my Dukey and I. For that walk I felt so happy and I was tempted to stuff it in, but I didn’t and I was surprised (don’t laugh at me now) that I actually felt happy for a couple hours after. That is not an emotion I am used to at all. I usually stay on a very even keel so I am mediocre or melancholy or angry. I don’t allow myself the in between feelings.

What happens to a person that they don’t allow themselves to feel at all? Why does guilt play so much into it? I know it is a far bigger picture than just not allowing emotions. I know that it goes deep deep into a place that I haven’t explored yet. I also know that time is coming to explore it. It is one of those places I have to go in order to find complete healing. Over the last four years, I have explored many places; many nooks and crannies within myself where I have hidden memories. Some I have been healed of, some I haven’t yet but as I go along this journey, I am learning to offer grace to myself. Meaning, I am allowing myself to take all the time I need for complete healing. @#%t happens that you have no control over and from there life can spiral as you live the only way you know to cope with what has happened. Through that we come up with ways to cope and in that is where we may find some bad habits, hence, mine of stuffing my emotions.

I know this is pretty deep for such a simple question. I am usually like that. 🙂

Well friends, off I go to enjoy this nice day. We have a bunch of snow that is supposed to come Thursday and Friday. Oh the joys of Spring in Alberta! Have a super duper blessed day!

Don’t Worry, Be Happy! I loves you!

Day 10: All About My Pets

I would love to share about my pets. We love them so much! They are definitely part of our family.

Snickles is the oldest. She is 16 years old and we actually call her Gramma sometimes. She is extremely grumpy and she bites; when she is really angry she will draw blood. She is a nasty girl but when she wants to get pet, she will allow you to pet her head and will act all sweet and stuff until you start petting her somewhere else. She is the ruler of the household. We got her when we moved into our last house. My oldest son was 4 and my youngest was 1. I dread the day that she dies.

Next oldest is Dukey. He is about 8 or 8 1/2. His previous owner was a breeder who had dementia and she ended up getting put in a home and she had several dogs. Duke was one of them. He was about 1 when we got him and he had never been out of a kennel. Needless to say, his one leg is a little deformed but it doesn’t hold him back. He thinks he is the leader of the household until Snickles hisses and then he knows he’s not….for now! He is great for letting us know when we have company; he is a barker ( he is also Momma’s boy).

Next, comes Massey. We haven’t had him for quite a year yet. He was 4 when we got him. He is a Bullmastiff. The reason he needed to be rehomed is because his previous owner’s found out that their child, who was one at the time, was allergic to him. They seem to have really loved him. He is a very nice mild mannered boy and does a few little tricks. He also likes to wander over to the bee farm across our street so we now have to tie him up. He is a great deterrent for would-be thieves. I don’t think he would be that mellow then. He has fit into our family pretty fine. The gentle giant.

Last, but certainly not least, is our Marti. She is about 8 months old and was a barn cat actually. Unfortunately, we had to rescue her because Massey seemed to not like kittens ( or was playing with her). She has been the joy of our winter. Wowsers! She is wild and she literally bounces off the walls. She is so much fun and is so hyper. She super bothers Snickels and Dukey. He and Massey do get along but under her terms. She is so much fun!

There you have it. We have had other pets and maybe one day I will share about our first dog, Gator. She was the apple of our eyes. Oh, how I miss her terribly still. She grew up with the boys and I would tell them that she was their older sister. LOL They don’t seem to be too damaged by it.  🙂

Feel free to share in the comments about your pets if you want. Have a wonderful day friends. It’s a dull, drab, cloudy and cool day here but Spring is springing and I am thrilled! On that note:

Do you know what happens when you allow yourself to be happy? You are truly happy. ( stay tuned for a full post on this!)

Toodles! I loves you!

Day 8: Someone Who Inspires Me

A few people come to mind when with this question. In fact, there are two people in my life that are total inspirations to me that I was going to write about. I have decided not to. They know who they are and I try to tell them and show them often. There are some things and for some reasons that it is too precious and sweet to me to share. Maybe one day.

Instead I will write about three people whom I see daily and that would be my family. The older they all get it seems the more I am inspired by them. I will be honest and say that it’s a fairly new thing for me to be inspired by my husband but when I see how he has overcome alcoholism and I see that others who are still drinking are reaching out to him not only for help it seems but to be his friend( and perhaps have the peace that he does), I am so proud of him. I also see him as a new man since we have been on our spiritual journey…Grace Journey I call it. It just amazes me that he is so patient with me. That is very inspiring to me. I always wished and dreamed for the day that he was “the spiritual leader” in the house and now I see just how ridiculous I was in wanting that. I wanted what I saw that others had as a “spiritual leader.” Now I know that that isn’t the way it is. He teaches me the most by what he stays silent about and what he does talk about he is well informed about. I am so proud of him. He Inspires Me.

My oldest son (20 years old) is a welder in training and a comedian. In fact he took his brother out and was performing last night when I wrote this. I think his biggest fan is his little brother. ❤ Even though I don’t agree with everything he says and does; even though he still stresses me out, I am more and more proud of him asI see how he makes some of his decisions and choices and why he does some of the things he does. He is such a hard worker and from the time he started working for the family business almost four years ago he has grown in leaps and bounds in his welding and other mechanics. He is go getter and since the time he turned 18 he has been chasing his dream to become a famous comedian. He has improved in that as well. Truth be told, I have never seen him perform. I am afraid of not laughing. Oh the joys of being a mom to a comedian. Not only that, I think I give his some good material. Lol He Inspires Me.

My youngest son is 17. He does not have his driver’s license yet but once he does I think he will be working elsewhere. He isn’t so much interested in the family business. I guess we will see. He is able to get his license in September of this year. I have this fear as a homeschool teacher that he won’t know enough for “life”. Kind of silly but it’s about my own insecurities. My goodness, the things that boy knows just blows me away and come out at the most opportune times. Of course the joke is he learned it on either The Simpsons or Corner Gas. Maybe it’s not a joke. Lol He makes me laugh. He has a great sense of humour like his brother and loves to go to the shows that are not in a bar (since he isn’t 18 years old yet). He loves helping people and has a unique way of making them feel like they are important. I love that about him and it seems that many people do including people he has just met. He Inspires Me.

In this time of life when my family can and do put up with my depression, my moods, my being a worried mom and wife, me just being crazy ole me…I love them more than I ever thought I could love any human beings. I know I drive them nuts most of the time but I know they let me because they want to eat and for me to take care of their home needs (within reason as the kids can do and so much themselves). We have a good thing going with mutual love and respect.

I love where we are at life right now. I love how we can all be friends and yet the respect for me as Mom is still there. I like to think I had a hand in that but I’m ok if I didn’t. I’m just so happy that I am inspired by my family. They Inspire Me.

Have a Great day friends and have fun this weekend!  I Loves You!

Day 5: Someone I Miss

That’s an easy one, unfortunately. It’s a question that is usually asked that brings lots of faces and memories to mind. Whether you miss them because of death or moving or just moving on, whether it brings tears or laughter, it pretty much always brings several of them and always makes us think.

In my case today, the man I miss passed away March 28, 2008 from cancer. My Uncle Ron. He was one of my Mom’s  brothers. I live in Alberta and he lived in Surrey, British Columbia. I actually lived with him and my Auntie Phyllis for a while in my early twenties. I don’t know about you but I tend to feel like an outcast in groups. I think it’s probably because I am shy and an extreme introvert. I have no problem staying perfectly silent all evening. In fact, I learn a lot. I don’t know if it was my shyness or what but for some reason my Uncle always paid attention to me when we were visiting them, even as a kid. He didn’t do it in a nasty way, but in a way that made me feel like I worth something. It’s hard to explain. Instead of trying to change me and make me “not shy” he worked with me where I was at and showed me that I was special. Because of that, I took a shining to him and felt like “I was his favorite.” This was the same as an adult. I never felt like I had to be someone I wasn’t. He never made me feel ashamed of who I was and didn’t compare me to others. He took me at face value and valued me.

I was so devastated when he died of cancer. It’s like a part of me died as well. Not only that, one of the only people that truly accepted and loved me for who I was…introverted and shy and everything on top of that…gone. I’m so thankful that I was able to spend some time with him a year or so before while I was at a retreat in Richmond BC. That’s where the picture is from. It was a super duper great time that I will always cherish. You know what, I still believe I was his favorite and I will always believe that.:) I’m looking forward to seeing him again one day.

An honorary mention is someone I used to know 31 years ago. I met him when we both worked on the Suicide Crisis Line. His name was David and he was such a great guy. Our regular callers loved him and so did all the rest of us volunteers. I loved working nights with him because of the conversation. In fact, he is the person who in a way, introduced me to Jesus. I say, in a way because I was raised Catholic and so I knew Jesus, but not in the Evangelical way. I didn’t know Him personally. Anyway he was an addict survivor. The last time I saw him he had went back to Ontario for his Dad’s funeral (who died of lung cancer) and then next thing I know I was reading an Obituary in the paper that he had passed away of cancer too. He died of the same cancer that his Dad did, and less than a year apart. My heart truly broke when I learned of his death. I really felt for his Mom too. She had lost another son years before when he was hit by a train and then in less than a year her husband and son passed away. I wrote her a little note and got the sweetest reply from her.

There you have it. Now I am sad. I have great memories though with both of these men and I will see them again. But for now, the memories will make me laugh and cry and life will go on.

Hug your loved ones close!!! I loves you!