Being Loved

I had to stop and cry in the middle of cutting vegetables tonight. I became so overwhelmed at how special it was and how special I felt to be so loved by my grandson, Donovan. I went shopping today with him and his mama. I went along so I could keep him occupied in secondhand stores. Frankly, I loved it. He is such a well behaved boy when we are out.

While I was cutting vegetables, I went though my day in my head. I thought of the times that Dono played shy and how it was me that he clung to ( just because I was closest out of me and his mom). I’m not saying he chose me over his mom, I’m saying that I was good enough and that he felt safe with me. That is who and what I want to be and what I want to provide….safety.

I was in a self-compassion workshop this week. We talked about values and we talked about learning to love ourselves the way we are loved by someone else. When I think of the way that Dono looked to me for safety and love today, it really overwhelmed me on this realm as well. Could I really learn to love myself that much?

I think I will stay on this path. It felt really good to be loved that way. Can you even imagine how good it would feel if I could always feel that loved, by me?

TTFN

Lex

God Loves You..Yippers He Truly Does!

One of the things that I find so disappointing about Christianity these days is the fact that we are so busy ousting people and working on including people that we aren’t sharing with people who they are and how loved they are. I guess in its own way, inclusion can be considered love. I would put that on the individual person because not everyone and everything promoting inclusion is doing it because they truly love… Having POWER is huge!

Since I have left facebook I have been on twitter and listening to Progressive Christian podcasts. I have enjoyed what I have been learning and a lot of the outrage makes more sense to me but like some of the Conservative Christians who are so angry at the Progressives…some of the Progressives are just as angry at the Conservatives and I personally find that tiresome to read, on both sides ( and friend, I can see and even agree with the outrage on both sides).  I see hate among different kinds of Christians.  It makes me very sad.

One very important thing that I learned in my counselling was that God loves me. It wasn’t said to me as a bible verse or in passing. It was explained to me that He really really LOVES me and if I was the only person on this earth, He would have still died..for just me. When you are in a place that you’ve hit rock bottom. A place that is so dark and all you feel for yourself is hate and contempt…words like that are not easy to hear and definitely not believable. When you hear this every week in counselling and sometimes in a text or two during the week from someone you trust and someone you see living what he is sharing with you…it eventually starts taking possibility in your mind.

Why do I share this? I don’t know. I guess I am looking for something. I guess I am searching for answers. As I write this I wonder to myself “what nerve do I have judging how other people live and explain their journeys? What nerve do I have complaining that I have heard but one person and one podcast episode that address *this? What nerve do I have when I don’t even do it?” It’s easy to complain about not finding something but like the saying goes…and I have said it before as have many others “Be the change you want to see.” Interestingly enough this goes right back to something I have been thinking about the last few days and I started a blog on it. It will be a while until it’s published though. It’s a pretty important one to me that I want to give extra time and care to.

Really though, it comes down to knowing who “YOU” are in Christ and from there the rest will flow. When you know how truly loved you are, to the very core of your soul…when you know that Christ indwells IN YOU…THAT is when you can make the biggest difference. That is when you know what it is like to truly love everyone including those who don’t believe the same way you do. I don’t have it down pat. I don’t think anyone does. I still struggle with self-condemnation and shame. They are the bane of my existence and yet I know they are lies. I know I am truly loved by God for who I am right now. No one can love me like He does. I still struggle when I look at myself in the mirror. I don’t know if I will ever have freedom from these lies and how they make me feel but I know that I have come a very long way in 5 years and I know when I look at others I see them totally different than how I used to. Somehow I can see them through the lens of Christ. I am using my Christ filter. That whole idea that the fruits flow out of us…that the love of God is like a fountain and reaches others…I can see that and I like it. I don’t always know what to do about it. It sucks being an introvert that suffers from massive social anxiety, but I feel that God has a pretty exciting plan for me. I have no idea what it is, but I know it will involve loving others because He First Loved Me.

*You are loved….truly, 100% loved.

Stay tuned as I write more on this. This is what is mulling around in my head so I might as well get it on paper and share. Have a most fantastic weekend friend! I loves you and oh man, God loves you so much more than I can even express to you. Sometimes I feel kind of stupid sharing that because so many Christians do share it, but I mean it from the very pit of my soul where the Christ is in me and I hope that you will hear that from your very soul as well. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Day 22: Something I Would Like to Change About Myself

This is an easy/hard one. Easy in the sense is there are lots of things and hard in the sense of keeping it down to one and not so many details that I put myself out there too much. I was never good at balance…HEY that is the one I will choose!

If I could change something it would be that I would be more balanced as a whole and in little things. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. Always have been and as I’m getting older I notice that it is in everything. It’s like I do one thing in the moment and my whole life has been and will be affected by it for the rest of my days. If I am not perfect at anything (and actually I am not) my way of looking at that is I am not good at ANYTHING. This lack of balance that I have holds me back from trying new things, meeting new people and well, going out anywhere in general. Lack of balance and anxiety but that is a whole different topic. 🙂 See, told ya. Lots I would like to change.

So, “if I am not perfect at something I am a failure at life.” That is such a horrible mantra but one that I have brought through life. It is only through counselling that I have been made aware of this and I have been trying to deal with it ever since (the last four years or so). I never felt like I was good enough or measured up. I know why I am this way and it is still a struggle but I have learned it is a “LIE” and some things are only in the eyes of the talker. Just because someone sees it this way, doesn’t make it so. But it gets buried into the deepest of hiding places in your soul and festers. It’s tough.

But I do want to say that I have made some headway in this area. I am learning to balance this out in a realistic and truthful manner and that is helping tonnes! I’m still horrible at balance but I guess that will be a life-long struggle, situation to situation.

I will share with you how I am learning the lies of that horrible mantra. I am learning and starting to believe in tiny bits, who I am in Christ and most of all, that I am loved by Him 100%, no matter what. It doesn’t matter what I say or do…nothing I can do can change His amazing love for me. My whole life I felt unloved (not saying I was unloved but I felt I was), not only by God but by friends and family. It had festered so long that I was unlovable, that I was unworthy of anyone’s love including God’s. So now, to discover how wrong I was and not only that, to discover that even though I thought that about God, it doesn’t change how He feels about me. I am not only worthy and lovable…I am WORTHY, VALUED and LOVED! Once I started to grasp this, it made a huge difference in not only how I look at myself but how I look at others! Friend, you are WORTHY, VALUED and LOVED!

Anyway, that is my story and I am sticking to it. 🙂 I don’t want to turn this blog into a religious one but it is important that you know my faith my identity and worth in Christ is the reason I can and do write this blog. I give Him the glory so don’t be surprised if in the future you see me talk about more faith stuff. For now though, my identity in Christ is what is healing me.

Oh friend, I hope you know how much you are loved!!!! I loves you so much!!!

WHAT IS YOUR NAME? Game Changing Name Changers

Such an Excellent message!!!

A Grace Journey of Learning to Live Loved

WHAT IS YOUR NAME? Game Changing Name Changers: Your name matters.  What others call you, what you call yourself, and what you believe about your name have a direct impact in your life.  Join us today as we discuss some of the names in the Bible and how some were changed, and why.  I trust this mini series will be very encouraging!!  Enjoy.

You may have heard God loves you, but did you know He LIKES you too.  The message the ‘typical’ church sends to the world is that God is really ticked and his anger is building…well….that God doesn’t even EXIST!! And we wonder why people feel condemned by the message ‘the church’ seems to send.

Let’s share the GOOD NEWS for all people TO all people!  God loves EVERYBODY!  No one is excluded!  That is good news!! Now believe it!!  For more info, visit:

• hopefellowshipycc.com
• gracewalkcanada.org
• gracewalk.org

View original post 13 more words

What About Me?

I wrote this in November of 2016, a couple weeks or so after we had met Wm. Paul Young (author of The Shack). The anger I talk about here, toward not only Wally, but God as well, happened quite a bit in our marriage and esp the last couple years or so of Wally’s drinking while I was in counseling for depression.

God spoke to me through the testimony of Wm. Paul Young and the music of Alana Levandoski. I have been in an interesting place since Wally quit drinking about a year and half ago. I have been quietly and innerly trying to find healing. I have gone through that process as I have been getting to know my Beautiful and Loving God. There has been much about Him that I have not accepted because I have had a hard time with my journey. One thing that really stands out to me is even when Wally was drinking he always always knew and leaned and prayed to Jesus. He always knew Jesus was love (not saying he knew that God was love, but that is part of the journey we are on together). Anyway, I used to get so mad! I would get mad at God and I would yell at Jesus. I was in my own living hell and here is Wally, drunk as a skunk, loving Jesus and knowing how much he needed Him. I was so jealous. Not jealous of the drinking but of the relationship that Wally had with Jesus. This guy, this f%$#*&g guy, was causing so much grief to me and to my kids. I was so so jealous and I wanted that so bad. I thought my relationship with Jesus was good. I thought He loved me. I thought I loved Him. When the depression hit, all the ideas I ever knew about God and Jesus became null and void. I was useless, broken, unloved and unloveable. That’s all I heard. Any voice of God I heard before….STOPPED. I was done! I was mad, I was angry, I was hopeless and totally helpless. I couldn’t even handle my own life. I quit my relationships with friends and drew away from family. Everything I had ever held truth and close to me became null and void because in my mind and in my heart, they were all lies.

You know, I don’t know why I felt this way. I don’t know what triggered it but all of a sudden all the insecurities I had ever had and ever felt came rushing in all at once and I was overwhelmed and messed up. I had never felt loved in a way that I needed. I don’t even know how that is or why. I was mad at everyone.

I’m glad God meets us where we are at. I Loves you.