I’m doing devotional by Brennan Manning and today’s really jumped out at me. I know this is something I really need to do. There is so much I have gone through that I am not thankful for even though it has made me who I am today. I am just tired of bringing up the past. I guess this is one of those things we have one wrestle through and just decide to do or not to do. It’s another journey…another option. AP
Good and Trouble
Gratitude is inclusive. At an AA meeting in Kinsale, Ireland, a man named Tony said, “If I had to choose among all the diseases that afflict human beings, I would choose mine [alcoholism], because I can do something about it.” At that meeting (as at each meeting) he introduced himself as “a grateful recovering alcoholic.” When asked why, he said, “Because without the Twelve Steps of this program I never would have found God.” Likewise, in the book of Job, that ruined man of God said, “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” (Job 2:10) …
To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives—the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections—that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to this present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for. Let’s not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God.
This is one I was dreading answering especially since I had an appointment yesterday with our local diabetic nurse. She was so sweet and helpful. It isn’t the first time I met her. When I was first diagnosed with type 2 diabetes I went to her and she helped me with what diabetes was and what the numbers meant and put me in contact with the dietitian that’s in the same office. I then called her a few months later and felt like she was brushing me off. It was a few years ago that I learned I was diabetic and I started off really good with learning how to deal with it…how to eat, what to eat, how to exercise and how much and of course checking my sugar. It became such a burden and I would crave sweets and carbs and junk food eat them. I am an emotional eater and I have depression…they do NOT go hand in hand with diabetes. I especially emotional eat when I am all alone (even though I like to be alone). It’s almost like “since no one is here, no one will know” then I wonder why I am sick and why my numbers are high. Unfortunately, the food I choose during these times is not salad or cucumbers (imagine that)! Nope. Chips, chocolate bars and candy, never mind hamburgers, fries and pizza. Ugh. Yes, I even have a junk food stash going sometimes. Last night I threw it out.
I am so filled with guilt because of what I purposely do with my emotional eating AND have diabetes. Seriously though! “Loser city!” I sometimes think. So….I had this appointment today and ever since I made it I wanted to cancel it. My Dr. Suggested that I go and talk to her since my numbers were climbing. I didn’t cancel though because I knew this was a case of doing the opposite of what I wanted. I’m so glad I went.
First of all, I was expecting my numbers to be way high…but they weren’t. They are sneaking up bit by bit so what I needed was to talk and TALK I did. And I cried. I cried for the whole first hour. Not ugly crying, just tears. I hate crying…I totally hate it and see it as a weakness on my part. UGH. I really am so amazed at how hard I am on myself. I would never set these standards for my kids or anyone I loved. I just can’t believe I set them so high for myself. I have tried my whole life to be perfect. I have tried my whole life to be good at something and not just good….PERFECT. It’s crazy really. Back to my appointment. 🙂 Leslie (the nurse) reassured me that I was doing fine and she told me just how NORMAL I was in comparison to other diabetic women that come to see her. I kind of surprised her that I was willing to put all the blame on me (I am in control of my own actions and I do the cooking and grocery shopping in the house). I know what I need to do and I know how to do it. I also told her that I now understand why some cancer patients (including lung cancer) do not quit smoking. I so get that now. I’m not proud of it but it is what it is.
I have to be so careful not to compare myself to others I know who are diabetic. I know some who are soooooo disciplined at everything about it. Leslie reminded me that personality plays into it as well. She also reminded me that I am dealing with pain, depression and perimenopause and encouraged me to look at my diabetes from a daily perspective instead of the big picture. What a great idea! That is how I was taught to deal with my depression too.
After my appointment, I went to buy a Fitbit but the store didn’t have one so they ordered one in for me so it should be here next week. I used to have one and it wore out. I loved it. I was motivated by the numbers. I also plan to take my binder out in the morning and get my butt in gear with some meal and snack planning. Time to reeducate myself, take the bull by the horns, pull up my big girl panties and do what only I can do…and that is take care of me.
I wasn’t planning on getting so personal but there you have it….MOI and my relationship with food!
Happy eating friends!!! I loves you (as I take a drink of my Perrier!)