Something is Brewing

It’s been a long time since I have been good.  It’s been a long since I could smile and really mean it.  It’s been a long time since I felt I had a reason to live.  Now, not because I don’t have a reason to live.  I have many reasons to live.  I am truly blessed in so many ways. Depression and anxiety have a had a hold on me for a very long time and in recent years it’s been pretty bad.  I have had some really bad spells.  They do not impress me at all.  I don’t share with others.  I have a wall, a barrier if you will, that surrounds my soul.  No one can get in, not even my husband. I don’t know why I am like that, but I am.  I have no energy to desire things and to have passions. I feel nothing most of the time, unless I am having an anxiety episode.

Why am I sharing this now?  I don’t know. But I do know, I finally have a sliver of hope.  Hope that I might actually get well.  Hope, that the second half of century of my life might bring true happiness and that perhaps the fog of depression and anxiety will disperse and for the first time ( that I can ever remember ) I might see life clearly.

This is not only my hope, this is my future.  I will own it now!

TTFN

 

What I Learned From the Inglorious Pasterds

It’s so easy to look at only the surface people and judge them, just on what we see and hear and that moment. I would say that I have experienced this in a negative way, both individually and as a couple with Wally ( more about that another time).

What makes me think about this is a Podcast that I have grown to LOVE. It is called the Inglorious Pastereds and they are what I would call Progressive Christians. It would be nice if we didn’t have to label people but as I am finding out, there are all kinds of people that call themselves Christians and they are quite different from each other in beliefs. Truth is, I don’t even hardly know what a Christian is anymore. I do know that Jesus wasn’t one.

Anyway, the first time I listened to these guys I was quite shocked and didn’t listen to them for a while. As I started to notice they came up on my feed more and more on Twitter I decided to give them another listen. I am so glad I did. You see…I don’t like cursing or drinking and because of that, I didn’t listen to them anymore. I hear cursing at home all the time and Wally was a drunk (his words) for most of our marriage up until two years ago. I didn’t want to hear it on a podcast. I’m glad I got over the hump and listened to them because they have really changed a lot about me, in the way I think (in a good way) and the way I look at the world and God. I swear that we as a society are just looking for reasons to not like each other. It’s so sad that we don’t even give some people a chance just because they communicate something different than we do and in a different way.

I love what God is doing in me. I love that my mind has become open enough that I can listen to others who communicate their truth in a different way that I do because I am learning new things. The hardest and most painful thing about a paradigm switch is the deconstruction but there is beauty and awe as construction happens in the midst of it and you learn the truth and you know it’s the Truth! I love that it’s the Holy Spirit who guides me into my new and different beliefs and out of my old. That is how I know it is the Truth. I also know as time goes on and maybe I share more, that some of my Conservative Christian friends will have problems with what I believe and I know I may even lose some of their friendship ( as we are already)  but as I have learned:

What has been seen, cannot be unseen; What has been heard, cannot be unheard; There is no looking back.

My friend, I loves ya!

Check these guys out if you dare.  Consider yourself warned.  You might just learn something new and you might die from laughing, all in one podcast.  They are on itunes and most podcast places.

The Inglorious Pasterds

Brennan Manning: Liked By God

This is soooooo good!  I loves you friend!

Liked By God!

Several years ago, Edward Farrell, a priest from Detroit, went on a two-week summer vacation to Ireland to visit relatives. His one living uncle was about to celebrate his eightieth birthday. On the great day, Ed and his uncle got up early. It was before dawn. They took a walk along the shores of Lake Killarney and stopped to watch the sunrise. They stood side by side for a full twenty minutes and then resumed walking. Ed glanced at his uncle and saw that his face had broken into a broad smile. Ed said, “Uncle Seamus, you look very happy.” “I am.” Ed asked, “How come?” And his uncle replied, “The Father of Jesus is very fond of me.”

If the question were put to you, “Do you honestly believe that God likes you?”—not loves you, because theologically he must—how would you answer? God loves by necessity of his nature; without the eternal, interior generation of love, he would cease to be God. But if you could answer, “The Father is very fond of me,” there would come a relaxedness, a serenity and a compassionate attitude toward yourself that is a reflection of God’s own tenderness. In Isaiah 49:15, God says: “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!”

Personal Space: Writing Prompt

Personal space:

To what extent is your blog a place for your own self-expression and creativity vs. a site designed to attract readers? How do you balance that? If sticking to certain topics and types of posts meant your readership would triple, would you do it?

I love this question. I will admit, I like the idea of people following my blog. If I didn’t I would write a journal or a diary. Obviously, in my own mind, I would like to think that I am not the only one that struggles with the issues I struggle with and just simply try to live life in and among the chaos of life and this world we live in. So far on my blog, I have been somewhat transparent about some things but I am hoping as time goes on I will be able to do that more. Not for the readers so much, but for me in my own healing of my past.

Also, as my faith and spiritual life are deconstructing and reconstructing with the new and amazing, I would love to share that kind of stuff too but fear will hold me back because I know some (most)  of my evangelical friends will not understand and think I am going bonkers. Yes, fear still has a hold on me in areas but I am learning that it takes time for some of this stuff to change in me.

Since this blog is still kind of new, I’m still not sure what I want of it and how I want it to evolve. I guess all I can do is be me and just continue writing the way I write and share as I see fit.

I love the last question: If sticking to certain topics and types of posts meant your readership would triple, would you do it? I would not do it if the topics did not define who I was. As much as I like numbers of who follows my blog (I think I am at 33…THANK YOU!) I don’t think I would be able to sacrifice me, my beliefs JUST for a bigger readership. I use this blog to work things out in my own mind too. My thinking is maybe someone else is there too.

As a summary, I don’t know where this blog will go. I don’t know what it will become and I don’t even know who it is for, really. I have it because I want to write and as I write I learn and as I learn I write ( sometimes ). I say sometimes because I have problems writing things I don’t totally understand because my words don’t come out very good. Since I write the way I think, it sounds all muddled and stuff. Maybe I will get the nerve to eventually share and write more of what I am learning right now, but for now, I will go on a day by day basis. Every once in a while an idea hits me for a blog post ( I write it in my book). This one is a prompt and it nudged me to think. I like that.

Hopefully, you can make your way through this and understand. If not, I’m sorry. My mind is muddled and guess what, it’s quite normal for me! I loves you!

Day 25: Things That Hold Me Back

It’s not a thing that holds me back, it’s a person and that person is me. My thoughts and fears hold me back.

My thoughts that are lies. Lies that I am not good enough, that I can’t do it for whatever reason. My thoughts that say it’s too late. The “not good enough” lie can show itself in anything. If you believe you are not good enough then that is the way you will act. Friend, that is a complete lie. You are good enough and can do whatever you want to. It’s in your hands. Change your thoughts. Know the truth and believe it.

My fears that are fears. Fears that won’t allow me to try something new. Fears of failure and not making it the first time. Fears that talk way louder than any of my positive thoughts and meld together with the deafening sound of the lies.

They are best friends; my thoughts and fears.

The beautiful thing is that this doesn’t have to be the end. I can change my thoughts and I can fight my fears. AND that’s what I do. I have made it my beginning!

What holds you back my special friend? Fight it!!!

I’m Cheering you on my friend!  I loves you!