I had to stop and cry in the middle of cutting vegetables tonight. I became so overwhelmed at how special it was and how special I felt to be so loved by my grandson, Donovan. I went shopping today with him and his mama. I went along so I could keep him occupied in secondhand stores. Frankly, I loved it. He is such a well behaved boy when we are out.
While I was cutting vegetables, I went though my day in my head. I thought of the times that Dono played shy and how it was me that he clung to ( just because I was closest out of me and his mom). I’m not saying he chose me over his mom, I’m saying that I was good enough and that he felt safe with me. That is who and what I want to be and what I want to provide….safety.
I was in a self-compassion workshop this week. We talked about values and we talked about learning to love ourselves the way we are loved by someone else. When I think of the way that Dono looked to me for safety and love today, it really overwhelmed me on this realm as well. Could I really learn to love myself that much?
I think I will stay on this path. It felt really good to be loved that way. Can you even imagine how good it would feel if I could always feel that loved, by me?
I’m tired of my thoughts this week so I thought I would introduce you to some of the things in my life that make me laugh, smile and run. Our grandson was born January 2020, just before the shutdowns happened because of covid-19. We decided that he needed a petting zoo, so we made him one. It’s been a learning curve for my husband and I and to be honest, it’s also given us something to agree with each other about. Trust me, we needed something. So it’s been good on many levels.
Our two pigs are momma and daughter and their names are Penny and Diamond. The black goat is Blackie and the brown one is ( wait for it, wait for it….) Brownie!! We are looking forward to our Grandson and his soon to be brother to get bigger so they can name the animals. LOL The geese are a family of 5; Oscar and Emma and the kids. They will get named eventually. We have 3 adult ducks…Hal and his two wives, Grey and Blue. We are hopeless namers. Thank god we were better when it came to naming our kids. LOL There are 7 adolescent ducks, not named yet. What would you name a duck? We have 3 roosters named Huey, Duey and Lewy. The one here is Huey. He’s king pin and likes to try to chase people. He attacks my legs when I’m wearing shorts ( guess he doesn’t like my white legs) and he has brought down my grandson twice. What a cock. The horse is Daisy and she is blind in one eye. We’ve had her for a while. I think she really likes the company. The dogs are Fergie (the doberman) and Duke. Duke is still considered a puppy. He will be 2 in November. He’s coming around. He’s a great guard dog and loves to party with our neighbors on the weekends. We also have 3 baby turkeys. As they get bigger I’ll get more pics of them.
So this is my life. I like this part of it. In the chaos of covid, my sweet friends here have brought me peace, mostly. Thanks for letting me share. Have a super great week.
Above is a pic of the flowers that are left from the flowers I bought for myself a week and half ago. I have been wanting to buy them for over a year and this is how long it has taken me. I’m so glad I took the plunge. In therapy, I am working through self-criticism and self-hate issues. Knowing what my love language is, is helping me to be nicer and kinder to myself. I don’t think I could have start the journey of self-love without first figuring out why I don’t like myself. That has been another journey and a half but it all makes sense to me now.
This past January ( along with other daily journals I write in) I started something called ” Loving Myself.” Basically, I am cheering myself on and soothing myself when needed. I’m reminding myself who I truly am and that I am indeed worth loving and standing up for. I found myself having to advocate for myself and my importance and worth this week. I was sad and disappointed that I had to do it, especially since it was to someone who is supposed to love me. Nonetheless, I did it because I realize no one else will. I’m glad I did. I hope it worked.
So, do I love myself?
Am I kind to myself?
I‘m not hateful but I have come a long way.
Do I write in my Loving Myself journal everyday?
Yes, but if I can’t think of anything positive to say, I will remind myself that it’s ok.
I started almost two years ago seeing a psychologist. My Dr. referred me and through my provincial healthcare, I didn’t have to pay. I’m still seeing him. In September of 2020 something happened that totally devastated me and the following January 0f 2021 I started seeing an addiction counselor. I’ve had the benefit of one of them being a male and one being a female and honestly, I lucked out and they have both been so good and a great fit for me. My referral psychologist is supposed to be for short term therapy and I can hardly believe I still see him. I do believe though that it will soon come to an end. He promised me a year ago he would give me good notice though so for that…WHEW!!
I understand that therapy is not necessarily meant for life, though, maybe for some, if they can afford it, why not? Talking with my addiction counselor today, we talked about this topic. The goal of therapy is to not need therapy anymore. The goal is to learn coping skills and learn how to deal with things, on your own. It makes sense. I have learned so much from both of these individuals. I feel stronger. I still have so much fear in me and I know I still have a long way to go. I have things happening in my life that are really hard. I guess in some ways, I’m trying to soften the blow of my psychologist and counselor eventually ending therapy. It is something I will talk about in my next session as well, to get my psychologist’s point of view on it too.
But for today, nothing will change in this department. I will continue with my “homework” and learn as much as I can, including basic skills that I feel I should have known already. It’s a kick in the gut to learn that the way you have been living isn’t necessarily the healthiest way of living. But, I’m a big girl and I know that no one can make the changes but me. So I will.
Good grief! It’s been so long since I’ve blogged here I forget how to use WordPress. To be honest, I never was really able to totally grasp it. When I post a blog, I usually set it up as my feature post so I can find it. I didn’t do that on my last post just before I ate supper. I’ll have to find it and link it here. LOL
I wanted to follow up to say that yes, I’m devastated still and it’s preventing me from going on Twitter and at the same time, I’m grieving for my friend in healthy ways along with therapy and other means of healing. Steve started me in the journey of healing, as my life coach a few years ago. He encouraged me to go into therapy which has been the best thing I’ve ever done. Maybe I’ll get more into that.
Honestly though, I don’t know what I want to do with my blog. I’m not sure what to write about but I feel me starting to write again ( I have two books I am at the very beginning stages), that it can be my way to pay homage to Steve. I forgot to say, he is an author. I will link some links from amazon of his books.
I am part of an online group where we are learning some new stuff. It’s growing daily and people are so excited. I notice how people react to new ideas ( that they like ), a good day, something exciting happening, a new movie out they’ve been dying to see…..you get the drift. Name anything you are excited about and react to it.
Now, how do I react? When people are happy, I am happy for them. I have no issues with the way people react to being happy and excited. My issue is how I react and I right off the bat I compare myself to them. This can have two consequences ( as I see it ). First of all, I can look at them and sneer in my mind. I can criticize them and hurt them, all the time realizing that it’s wrong. Second, I can criticize myself. I am not a huge reactor to things. I don’t even know if I used to be, but I do know that I am not anymore…..on the outside anyway.
What usually happens is I decide to criticize myself and that is why I am writing this blog. I am doing it right now. I know it’s wrong. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know all those things. I do believe if I was more of a reactor I would fit in better, but it just isn’t me and I choose to be me even if I am hurtful toward me.
I share all this to say I’m getting better. I am a supersenstive introvert. I took the Ennegram and I am a 5 (whatever that means). I remember years ago the family went on a mission trip to Mexico. My husband was the bus driver and he was able to take us all. I decided since these were people I had never met before I would try and act like my husband, who is an extroverted talker. I lasted 5 minutes ( maybe not even ). I’ll be honest and say I thought I was over this but apparently I am not.
I don’t have the energy to be someone else. Its too hard both mentally and physically. As an introvert my mind and thoughts are tiring enough never mind adding more to it. So what do I do? I guess I continue to learn about and love myself. I continue to be me and not only that, be happy and content with who I am because of the image I was made as….An ALL Loving God.
I will get this and I will not be so hard on myself. I got this!
Anyone else have this issue? I’d love to hear your story.
It’s an interesting thing, this Gratitude challenge. It is Day 6 and out of 6, I missed 2. The whole idea of looking for something, in particular, is kind of a hard thing to get used to. After I am done writing this blog I will use my weekly Joy Dare list as the background on my phone; then I will see it and remember. It’s like starting a new habit. I won’t chalk this up to failure yet.
It’s a beautiful Saturday here in Central Alberta. My husband is working today ( and tomorrow). My kids are both sleeping. It’s so normal calling them “my kids” and yet when I do that on social media it makes them sound younger than they are. They are 20 and 17. I don’t plan to wake them up anytime soon ( it’s 10:30). No huge plans today. I might do a load or two of laundry and I need to go into town for a few things. That’s about it. I don’t lead a real exciting life. 🙂
Our landlords should be bringing their cows over soon. We usually get them in Spring until Fall. We love having them around. We are kind of cow nerds ( my husband more than I).
Oh yeah. Yesterday I sent in school registration for the very last time! Grade 12. With all the changes happening to homeschooling in Alberta, I am so thankful we are getting out of it now. It’s way easier to come into these changes rather than being in the system already, set on a certain way of doing things and then all of a sudden having to change. I agree with some of the changes but disagree with others. Luckily, for us, we can do things the same we have all the way through high school.
Well, that’s enough rambling for now. Have a great day friend! Don’t forget how loved and amazing you are. I loves you!